Coping with Mum's dementia

Hi all, my 80 year old mum has mixed dementia and is frequently deliberately nasty. I suspect this isn’t actually new, just that the social acceptability filters have failed. There’s not much we can do about mum but does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can cope because it’s getting me down. She had carers in 3 times a day but she won’t let them do much, she doesn’t have dementia and looks after herself perfectly fine. My brother ran for the hills as soon as she got bad and is totally out of the picture. She’s forgotten she divorced my dad 30 years ago and wants to know when he’s coming home. Her mother and sister died 25 years ago and again she’s waiting for them to come home because she spoke to them all this morning. Her cats died of old age years ago and I’ve been and had them put down because they were in this morning. I’m a recovered alcoholic and I’ve started going back to AA meetings because I’m getting the urge again. When I’m really down the idea of beating her up and getting arrested sounds good because if I’m in prison it means I’ll be away from her. Help.


caring for your Mum sounds really tough. I am sure Lockdown has made it even more intense.

There is no point trying to help her understand/remember the divorce, who has died etc as this is her reality now. It’s better to just go along with what she is saying, distract her etc e.g. tell her her husband is at work and will be home later etc

Re the carer workers - I would keep having them for now, even if she won’t let them do much. Ideally they should have experience of someone with dementia and should be able to support her. Use the time they are there to escape and have some time to yourself.

Unfortunately, dementia is progressive. Options to consider are whether she could attend a day centre once these are open again? Or, perhaps the time has come to consider residential care for your Mum?


Do you live with mum?