Where do folk draw the line? Mum isn’t looking after herself & fiercely Independant. Recently has a health scare meaning me & my partner pulled out literally every stop to help which any daughter would do in the same situation… however…
Mum always pushes back “I’m fine” “stop worrying I’m more than capable” regularly making me feel like I’m over the top and should “chill out” when I see she is becoming more and more of a risk to herself (lives alone, hoarder, dysphasia, alcoholic etc).
So after not sleeping for 33hrs straight for an a&e trip as she’d suddenly lost functionality of her limbs through some mystery illness… my partner who himself is off with a bad back, having to physically lift mum in & out of his sports car bucket seats to n from emergency appointments (I don’t drive) while I’m at work in a new job.
Had to take the day off from said new job which puts it (in my mind anyway) at risk… fast forward to now, my partner has had to cancel his daughters first stop over this weekend (with his granddaughter) which we have both excitedly been looking forward to as he’s physically & mentally drained - as was I, so I’m now racked with guilt!
It turns out that mums hospital trip was entirely self inflicted - I’m always ‘nagging’ her to do things she’s ‘quite capable of’ such as taking meds and physically eating, her a&e trip was caused by her not looking after herself!! She failed to take vital prescribed drugs for a newly diagnosed condition.
When we wheeled mum into a&e every bump in the wheelchair caused pain and discomfort, they dosed her up on oramorph THEN had a physio assess her ability to mobilise herself alone for safe discharge… of course… she was more able!!! The overwhelmed hospital with no beds gave her the ‘all clear’ to go home ignoring my pleas that she’s unable to eat (dysplasia) or take her medication and REFUSES carers or cleaners (did i mention she’s a hoarder & her home is a death trap?) So mum is home with meds I know she will forget to take with food she doesn’t eat and meanwhile my in life is going down the pan?
I love my mum but at what point when someone touches a hot stove consistently do you think, do you know what, crack on then… if you think you can care for yourself, off you pop then, I’ll take care of me and my own & you do you.
I’m torn between a duty of care and feeling like I’m being taken advantage of… but also mum not acknowledging the concern? She regularly minimises my concerns to others ‘she’s a fretter’ or ‘stop stressing out you’ll make yourself ill’
Never has ‘divorcing’ your own mum & walking away felt like such a viable self care choice?
I feel like the a**shole and overwhelmed.
She refuses carers or cleaners and literally doesn’t listen to me… whenever the strained healthcare professionals visit she knows exactly what to say to get them out their hair and they’re under so much strain they lap it up & sign her off.
As she’s an alcoholic she’s a very competent liar BUT she’s my mum, if she were just a distant friend and it weren’t cruel to walk away, I totally would but I feel like she’s ruining my life right now.