I’m sorry to bother you with this but I know that you all have lots more experience than me so may know what to do/how to handle the situation. I think I am just exhausted and too emotional to think straight.
Yesterday for the first time in over 20 years I forgot to leave £40 in the morning for my fathers carer. It was completely my fault (I had a lot on and simply forgot) . I give the carer the money each week as she says the Council do not pay enough. She works two hours a day four days a week so its not a lot:more a token of our appreciation. Her husband is very well off so she doesn’t need the money but obviously that isn’t the point . I made a mistake - I said I would leave her something and should have done. Completely my fault. I have now left the money for her to pick up when she is back on Monday.
Unfortunately my father didn’t put the phone down properly after they had called me. For over an hour I could hear her fury. She told my father I was stupid, everyone hates me, no one likes me (said all horrid things that the other carers and neighbours have said) , that Im not married because I am ugly and unloveable , that I can’t have children as a punishment from God, that I am barren - it went on and on. My father didn’t say anything much at first (for about half an hour it was all her ) but then started to join in - he said he knew I wasn’t loved , that I was difficult(easily upset and stubborn) but I was his daughter. He also said he was concerned that I had money worries ( I am broke- all my savings have gone on visiting my father in hospital, paying for additional care and legal support for him). Worryingly he then told her that he thought that since he had been out of hospital I had spent £1k of his money on me. She exploded. Fortunately all the money in his account is itemised in bank statements so it is easy to prove that it has been spent since June on his food, bills, transport etc. He has given consent to everything that has been spent but I think has simply forgotten /doesn’t appreciate the value of money now/ how much a weekly shop costs or the extent of telephone/electricity bills etc. I’m not very worried by this (easy to prove everything is as it should be) - more concerned that he thought I would do something like that to him?
I was left devastated by the call. I should have simply put the phone down but didn’t. The carer later texted me to say that she will be off on Tuesday - she put all kisses and friendly emoji on her message. I didn’t say anything and just thanked her for letting me know. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what she thinks of me, once my father has gone I will never see her again ( she didn’t come to see him once when he was in hospital for nearly six months) but I was so hurt by my father’s reaction. I know he is very ill and I do love him - we all make mistakes so obviouslyI will forgive him ( I am sure he can’t even remember what was said and may just have joined in to keep her happy. To placate her he said he would give her £500 at Christmas - last year he gave her £300 : I just got a card! - not that it really matters and I understand they have a different relationship but it does hurt. Unfortunately I just can’t stop crying about it. I feel like such a fool. I visit him every day , clean his flat, sleep on his floor when he isn’t well, take him to appointments, toilet him, buy his food, sort his meds, take him out etc…My life is on hold. I don’t expect thanks. I do it because I love him, it is my choice, but this has left me hurt. I feel such a fool.
I feel I can’t do anything right - everyone keeps criticising me. I assume the carers are unhappy as I complain if they don’t turn up/ are very late/don’t do what the care plan says - but he needs help, he’s not safe without support and I can’t keep filling the gaps. The social worker is unhappy with me as he thinks I should be doing more or he should be in a residential home. The hospital think I should accompany my father to more appointments. Work think I send too much time caring for my dad. Friends and family have disappeared. It’s so lonely and been just an awful year.
I didn’t go to see my father last night or today (first time since December ) as I can’t stop crying - but I know I need to go tonight (his medication needs sorting and I need to buy him milk, bread etc). I need to get over this as he is terminally ill and I will regret not going if anything happens to him. I do love him. I’m just very hurt. I don’t know how to stop crying and what , if anything , to say to him? He thinks I am in work - he’s very upset that Im not with him but says he understands. What would you do? Any tips on how to pull myself together? Thank you.