Carer for alcoholic aspergers partner, end of my tether =(

All about caring
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my partner of 3 years, whom i’ve officially cared for for the last 2, suffers from aspergers and is an alcoholic, more
recently so as he is fighting in court with his manipulative ex for access to see his young daughter, now living over 100 miles away.

i too suffer from anxiety and depression myself in varying degrees particularly as i am a cancer survivor of 4 years, which took
saved my life but took away my sense of accomplishment at work (had to leave my job) self worth and belief. after quite (and yet another) nasty argument my partner has left for an undisclosed time to his parents house in another city, seeming very cold and distant before he left even though my heart was breaking at the state of where we are lately with each other and i was very very tearful. i find i am feeling very lost and on my own.

at the moment i do feel very broken down by everything. he does drink an awful lot and will not face the fact that he has definite problem, i have seen him in some horrible states in the past. he becomes very aggressive verbally and insulting if a discussion takes a wrong turn, no matter how i word my views, i end up losing my tempter too in the end and it doesn’t end well. we both like a drink but my awareness of when to stop is much MUCH better than his. i cannot stop him buying it, when he is an absolute foul mood, he will drink until he drops.

i am by nature a very caring and loving person, and forgiving. but i had to type out how i’m feeling and wonder if anyone
else has a partner with aspergers and alcoholism. i don’t know anyone anywhere who is dealing with this kind of relationship,
my family are far away and worriers, i cannot put this on their plate any more than i have, which they don’t really understand, other than saying he is making me ill and driving me insane with the frustration of dealing with him and all that goes with him.
it’s been said of me that ‘my spark has gone’ when i’m usuallly a very outgoing and humourous person, that person isn’t really
there any more. i don’t have any friends in town who i can share this with. i have rang the samaritans on occasion, which is unbelievable to me that i needed to do that.

i am so very sad that i fear i may have to end it, due to financial ties together here, i would have to leave and go… don’t know where.

thank you for reading, i would appreciate any messages on this subject and how it is/was for you.

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Hi Beverley
Just noticed your post and felt I had to say hello and welcome although I am not the specific person you are looking for having had no experience such as yours.
I am a cancer survivor myself which is something we have in common. I too changed my job but more because I needed more ‘of duty’ time rather than a loss of self worth.
After such an ordeal as having cancer and all the treatments and traumas that go with it, it’s no wonder that you couldn’t immediately go back to ‘as you were’. Your concentration levels, stamina and patience were all lower than before and would have taken a long time to rebuild. The problem is that once you are back at work, colleagues unconsciously expect the same performance as before along the lines of ‘OK you’re better so now get on with it’.
You were not fully recovered when you took on your partner’s care and that has been very hard on you and not rewarding so it’s no wonder you feel down, probably both mentally and physically.
Perhaps now is the time to reflect on what you would like out of life. No rose tinted glasses please. Do you think partner will return sober, free of his disability and all will be wonderful?
Make two lists. One with all the things you hate about living as you do now and one with anything good. Reality, not wishes or maybes.
Then write a description of your life as you’d love it to be. Perhaps with, perhaps without him. What could be achieved? How could you go about it? Be realistic. No villas in Spain or lottery wins. Just better than now. Maybe get some advice about those financial ties.
You are important. Your life could be worth living without the stress and strain of your present arrangement. You say he has left. Do you want him to come back? Examine why. Be honest with yourself.
I hope you can dig deep and find that outgoing personality and confidence again. It’s still there, just temporarily buried under present circumstances. Perhaps you can change the circumstances and start digging.
Remember no one has to care for another adult whatever the relationship.
You can say ‘no more’.
Sorry I haven’t answers to give you from a similar situation and sorry if nothing I’ve written helps.
I wish you well
KR