Caree rejects respite care

[Denis_1610]

I have been contributing to this forum for a few years, and have been grateful for occasional helpful advice I have received regarding my own family problems. I feel prompted to submit this following Kate1’s topic, “First time posting and new here”. (Link follows.)

First time posting and new here

Kate1’s caree told social workers that she did not want carers coming in, and Kate was not consulted. Melly1 commented:

@Melly1

. . . A lot of elderly people say they don’t need/want carer workers and they either can manage or their relative can do it all. However, it can ease the pressure on the carer and the relationship between carer and caree. Just worth thinking about. Carers who have been in the position you are in now have come up with cunning ways to help their caree accept a care worker - which they can share with you if you decide to have some help.

My position is somewhat similar. We have registered with a scheme that provides emergency care in the event that I have an accident or illness or am unable to care for some similar reason. This care however lasts for only three days.

I want to extend this and register with a respite caring service, for when I am away for reasons other than accident or illness. My relatives have suggested that to have carers coming in during periods when I am away could help to build up a relationship between the caring service and my caree. So if an emergency were to arise she would be dealing with familiar people, beyond the three days provided by the emergency service.

My caree resists this idea. She comes up with various objections. One is that she is worried about security. She thinks that carers may be married to crooks, who would then have access to our house. I don’t feel that I can take these fears too seriously, and wonder if there is some underlying reason that she feels unable to talk about. Kate1 suggested privacy. Do others have ideas?

I don’t think I ask for much in terms of time away. There are two events a year that I particularly like to attend. These each entail two or three nights away from home.

We have a long-standing friend who lives some distance away, and on some occasions he has visited during the periods I have been away, to look after cooking and general domestic matters. He treats the visit as a holiday. My caree is happy with this, but we cannot rely on his availability every time that suits us. He has his own ailing relatives.

I am not asking for nursing care. Recently, our friend came to visit during my intended visit to an event. My caree took ill and I had to cancel my visit. My caree needed care of a personal nature and I could not expect our friend to deal with that.

Afterwards, my caree thanked me for staying to look after her, and that she felt bad that I had missed the event. But she is no nearer to agreeing with respite care.

I should be interested in hearing from others with a similar problem of a caree reluctant to visiting carers - particularly from those that have successfully surmounted this problem.

[Michael_1910123]

Hi @Denis_1610, this is a interesting topic and many of us have had this sort of problem. Some of it down to us being told by police on crime watch and other crime prevention programmes over being careful who you let in. But some people might have had a bad person before and it made them afraid of letting others in and some might feel like they are in hospital and perhaps they don’t want to be reminded of the place. There are so many answers and questions to this. The worst one for me is paying for the person that you care for in a place and are called to do their job or sending them to a place to sort of being taught how to redo things but when they get back into their own home that they can’t do what they have been doing in rehabilitation place due to something simple as a different type of flooring and they can’t move about like they were in the other place.

[Denis_1610]

Thanks for your reply, Michael. You have a point - we hear a lot of advice over crime and visitors, but sometimes people over-react. My caree is a worrier, and, like most worriers, worries about the wrong things.

For example, a few years ago we put up a sign on our front door saying, “We do not buy anything at the door; no cold callers please.” I then decided that I should do more, so I fitted a chain to limit the opening of the door if I did need to answer the door to someone unknown and unexpected. I thought my caree would approve of this, but soon after she said, “I don’t like the idea of a chain; it indicates that ‘old people’ [her words] live here”. Nevertheless I have found it to be helpful. If I do get a cold caller they tend to be much less persistent if they need to talk through a door kept slightly ajar.

I do not think of myself as a worrier, but I do like to Be Prepared, as the Scouts would say. Heaven forbid that I should suddenly be unable to care. My caree cannot cook and needs help with dressing, etc. She has an active mind and does voluntary work for a society she belongs to, making much use of a computer. But she is unable to sort out a printer jam, and almost daily calls for my help when she gets an unusual error message, or simply cannot set out the text in a manner she wants. If I were to stop caring she would grind to a halt in a day.

I have talked this over at length with the caring liaison officer at our GP surgery. She is more than willing to visit and discuss things with my caree and allay any fears. But my caree will not make that first, essential step.

[Melly1]

@Denis_1610

My caree resists this idea. She comes up with various objections. One is that she is worried about security. She thinks that carers may be married to crooks, who would then have access to our house. I don’t feel that I can take these fears too seriously, and wonder if there is some underlying reason that she feels unable to talk about.

I expect this is the best reason she could come up with at the time. However, if it is a genuine reason - you could tackle it with practical solutions. eg have a safe for valuables, have a web cam or security cameras, have a key safe and regularly change the code.

Perhaps it would be better to have care workers coming once a week when you are there in the first instance, rather than when you are away. Then, when she is more comfortable, you could pop out when they are there etc

Others on here (Anne001 who is now a former carer) and @susieq (if I remember right) amongst others have found ways around the not wanting a care worker issue. Had hoped they’d post.

From memory - other carers have - said the care worker is there to help THEM (not the caree) ie with household chores, then gradually the worker has started to do more for the caree as trust builds; another said it was part of a training programme for care workers (can’t see your wife falling for that one) but this has worked for others. Or maybe a regular care worker could take you wife out once a month on a fun outing that would build up trust.

[susieq]

@Melly1 I think it was Anne who used the excuse of “here to help me” but I can’t remember if she had much luck !

The only time my Mum had carers was after she’d had her first knee replacement and we had the obligatory 6 week re-enablement care to help her get up, washed and dressed in the mornings (and they had to be paid for because Mum had too much in savings to qualify for it being free/reduced rate !)… We didn’t have them at at any other time.

[mscoachbeth]

I got a carer in at first twice a week - to help with housework. When my husbands Parkinson’s progressed, it was easier to persuade him to up the carers to every day. I also had a very good excuse… I hadn’t seen my 93 year old mother in a year and he accepted I really needed to see her. To make that possible, I booked in carers three times a day. I am also fortunate that my 19 year old son lives with us and he was also there as well… but I didn’t want my son to be burdened with having to do all the meds and everything.

Anyway, they now come in five days a week, twice a day and my husband still calls them the cleaners even though they are doing his meds, some personal care and his food… and the company we use tries to ensure they are the same care staff everytime… the point someone made about familiarity is key… it really helps that he knows them even if he sometimes grumbles that they are too chatty and slighly patronising!

[Denis_1610]

Thank you, Melly, Suzieq and mscoachbeth for your replies. There is certainly something to think about there.

As I pointed out in my original post, I have upped the security a couple of times, and there is room to tighten it up further.

We do have a cleaner - not a carer - who comes in once a week and this takes a burden off me.

I’ll see how many of these ideas I can put into practice. This will take a bit of time. I’ll report back periodically on how things are getting on.

[Denis_1610]

Hello again, everyone. I said I’d report back so here goes.

I did investigate home burglar alarm systems. I have checked out three firms that instal such systems. However I have not asked them to go ahead and quote as yet. This is on hold pending another enquiry.

My caree would be a little happier with such a system, I think. I would be looking for an external siren, cameras and an internal movement detection system.

My caree acts upon trusted recommendations. We have done this with all the cleaners and gardeners we have had over the years.

She has a friend with whom she has a type of business relationship. This friend works in a caring industry of sorts, and used to run a care home. My caree is therefore prepared to consider visiting carers, but wants to ask this friend for recommendations. She normally sees this friend once per week.

Unfortunately, she has missed the last three weeks owing to being unwell on the appropriate day.

So it looks as though it is still going to be a while. At least there is an element of possible acceptance there.

[bowlingbun]

From my experience burglar alarms are a waste of time. One went off in a road near me, surrounded by other houses. After at least 4 hours my patience expired, and I rang the Police. No one else had contacted them about it!

[Melly1]

@Denis_1610 just my suspicious mind but the feeling unwell wasn’t because of asking the friend about paid carers?

I really hope this works out for you Denis regarding your wife accepting paid carers and building this up until you get a proper break.

[Denis_1610]

Thanks, Melly. I am not suspicious. My caree enjoys her weekly engagement with her friend, and is sorry when she can’t make it. If she did not want to ask the question she simply would not ask it - not throw a sicky. I’ll just need to be patient.