Mums been in a care home for a year and Ive just sold her house. Now the care home have said her behaviour is so bad (shouting and screaming) and wanting constant attention they want her to leave. She has a psychciatric disorder and also (undiagnosed as she wont undergo assessments) dementia now as well as limited mobility and personal care needs. Im at a loss. Shes already in a home for advanced dementia patients so if they cant cope theres no point moving her to similar. Shes self funding so no social worker but her funds arent such that are going to last long. Ideally she probably needs a specialist psychiatric placement but is there a place?? Where to start?
Self funding does NOT mean no social worker!
You are NOT responsible for mum.
I suspect the home know exactly what the procedure is in these circumstances but itâs easier to guilt trip you into doing something.
I would contact the Care Quality Commission and let them know what is going on, they regulate care homes. The home may need âfurther trainingâ!
If the home part of a larger group, contact the HQ. A mention of going to the local paper may concentrate their minds?
Were you given a âprospectusâ at the time of admission? What does it say about this sort of situation?
The home should be arranging an urgent doctorâs appointment, psychiatric assessment and move to a psychiatric ward or similar, funded by the NHS.
Tell the home that in future all contact must be by email, not by phone!
Then you have clear evidence of what they are saying (which you can easily forward to CQC!)
Thanks so much your advice. It sounds like I need to take a step back, not least because there isnt anything I can do.
The advice re emailing is a good one as Ive had phonecalls just offloading how much of a problem mum is. I do have a job so this has been quite disruptive.
Unfortunately they told my mum and maybe even gave her a letter (although she cant read anymore) which wont help.
Thank you again for replying, It is very kind of you to offer support and I can see you have troubles of your own. I have received a formal letter today (although it is dated 31/07/2025)! Whether mum actually got a letter or not is debatable (never able to tell what is real or not unless its something I definitely know is not real). She had certainly been told which I think was inappropriate as she has enough understanding to be triggered and I think they should have waited until they had something in place.
Since the original post she was taken into hospital (now discharged) due to drop in blood in blood pressure and difficulty breathing. The ambulance crew raised a safeguarding concern as they found mum on the floor (fallen out of bed) and the buzzer to her room which was wired in had been pulled out of the wall. Mum wouldnât have been capable of this as she doesnât have the strength in her hands due to severe arthritis.
I did go to see mum this week but she was very zoned out. I was quite shocked at her appearance compared with only 3 weeks ago. She looks like sheâs actively dying and I donât think she has much time.
I will be having conversations with CQS once mum is safely out of there. I do have problems with the doctor (sorry just offloading now) who astoundingly wouldnât diagnose her as she ârefuses to co-operate with their assessmentâ and prescribed pyschiatric medication which unsurprisingly did no good at all
Whether or not they have handed you a letter, you are not responsible for mum.
Unfortunately many of us have had dealings with TU (Totally Useless) doctors!
My next suggestion will be upsetting, but important. Google Signs of Dying and you will find lots of helpful information about how the body slows down, towards death, I did this, with tears streaming down my face, when my mum was ill, but it was so helpful. One day mum would be fine, the next seemed to be really ill, for months.Consider contacting the Practice Manager and send the relevant information about their obligations regarding Continuing Healthcare. I had to do this.
@DaisyJo so sorry for you, @bowlingbun has, as usual, given great advice, sadly learnt from experience. I struggled with my Dad at the end, the âcareâ home took him to A & E with âa fallâ and took his belongings with him and refused to have him back. But I refused to have him and despite making me feel guilty they had to step in with provision of care.
Be strong, take the advice to step back and let them deal with it, you have been paying a fortune I am sure for them to care, so now they need to earn that money.
Useless GPs are becoming all too common now, they will have to deal with it
Thank you for your kind words. I also have problems with social services who will tell me its up to me to find somewhere for her. Any advice on that will help
Daisy Jo, if you go to the LA website, then ASC/Adult Social Care, then Complaints, you can make a formal complaint that goes to a dedicated Complaints Officer.
Tell them that you are not responsible for your motherâs care, that the local office is wrongly harassing and bullying you, and this must STOP.
Ask for a formal written apology for the distress this has caused you.
As mumâs condition has clearly worsened she should have an urgent Needs Assessment.
As the care home was unable to cope the time has come for them to arrange an urgent referral to the NHS Continuing Care Team.
Hi @DaisyJo they will pressure you, and they are good at it. They do it all the time, but as @bowlingbun has said you need to be firm. I was given a list of places and I looked at them but I didnât have to, I know now.
My Dad was sectioned when he became violent, and it sounds like your Mum is like that. Then he came under NHS care. It is really hard to step back, I had just lost my mum and didnât have the fight in me, or this forum for support. I wish I had.
If she wonât go to assessments then they assess her where she is. Hard to do when they hassle you but stop engaging with them, you have your own health and life to think of.
Also I agree, stop taking any calls, or tell them to give you time to record the conversation for records for a complaint, they soon stop calling I have found in my most recent care situation. You want things in writing so you have an audit trail for your complaint.
I have found my complaint to CQC was handled really well and they were very supportive. They do not take individual cases but I found they really helped my recent issues.
keep strong, I hope you have people around you who can support you
Thank you for your reply, Yes, I am trying to stand firm. The care home have told me now I need to get a social services assessment - Iâve said there is nothing I can do. She doesnât need another care home and as she is already in a specialist facility who cannot just be found another home by a non professional. As she is still resident at the care home and they have given notice I think it is their responsibility to get the social worker to visit and do an assessment?
Yes, absolutely their responsibility to work with Social Services and arrange an assessment and alternative placement. They need to make it very clear that they CANNOT cope with her any more.
Thanks. The support on here is really invaluable. Everyone seems to just want to âpass the problemâ to someone else. If I knew of a care home that would look after someone with her type of behaviour I would in a heartbeat but shes already in a specialist home
Itâs important to decide on what she NEEDS, not what she or anyone else wants.
The home want her out, as she is a problem, and Social Services want you to deal with it to save them work, but it is their job, not yours to sort things out, and they know that. Maybe point out to SSD that they might need to plan for some Emergency Respite if things arenât resolved quickly?
Ideally, the next move should be able to meet her needs, whatever happens, for the rest of her life. Thatâs in everyoneâs best interests.
@DaisyJo I am glad you are standing firm, @bowlingbun is giving such good advice. If you take on the responsibility they will let you but you donât have to. The care home needs to arrange her to be a place where her needs are met, it is not for you to hunt them out