I’m struggling, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong but I can’t be around it.
My partner is going through a psychotic episode, inpatient in a psychiatric ward under a section.
He is highly irritable, struggling with delusions, hallucinations and voices. He thinks there is a plot to harm him, that we all (including they but we don’t know who they is) want him either dead or locked up. He also accuses me of cheating, getting him raped and repeatedly says hurtful things.
He started flirting with our mutual friend (my closest friend) and the student nurse on the ward. Asking our mutual friend to have a threesome and wishing they weren’t gay and I have watched him flirt with the student nurse when I point it out he just smirks at me. It’s awful, the whole ward are aware and observing it too and I feel humiliated.
He has does this in the past, flirted and sexually messages other girls and normally it’s around the time he isn’t stable.
I had to leave the ward twice in a row now because I can’t watch it, it’s too painful. He then tells me he isn’t flirting, everyone is a liar and everything is my fault and he didn’t want to be with me any way because I’m childish and controlling and speak to him like a psychologist while asking our mutual friend to move in with him.
I’ve told him I won’t be visiting and his behaviour is disgusting. But am I allowed? Am I being unfair because he is unwell. He has BPD so obviously me distancing myself creates a fear of abandonment and he did ring me saying “you are just creating lies to justify you wanting to break up with me” but I can’t cope with it. Hurtful words I can but not the flirting, especially because I know he’d allow it to escalate given the opportunity he’s already snuggled up to my friend.
I just need some guidance as to whether being stern and taking space is right or if I’m being unfair? Is this even part of him being unwell (he has bpd formally diagnosed)
Hi Abigail welcome to the forum
My husband had a stroke then eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia. He had a delirium stage, and constantly phoned me with accusations of adultery etc. In the end I stopped engaging in such conversations. Would say bye bye and put the phone down and switch it off. Eventually the accusations stopped. (I loved my husband very much)
I realise its different for you, as the diagnosis is different. Allow his treatment to continue without you. Try not to engage for a while. In the meantime, consider if you really want to continue with the relationship. That sounds harsh I know. You are important too, and takes strong love to continue with toxic times.
As Ajay said, of course you are allowed not to visit! The staff may even feel its better for him,whilst he needs treatment. At least have a break,.
I do feel for you knowing how painful it can be.
Abagail, it’s a really difficult situation. I’d suggest counselling to help you decide what is best for YOU.
A good counsellor won’t tell you what to do, but help you work through your thoughts to find what you truly want.
Are your finances independent of each other, or joint?
Who owns the house, joint names? If so, take legal advice asap.
Much better to protect assets to stop them going, rather than try to get them back later. Your husband is so unstable that you MUST protect your own interests.
When I was new to caring, I found keeping a mood diary helpful. I last updated it when he was 1 but I found it today sitting in a drawer. I wrote about everything for about a year and a half from decision day back in June 16 to December 2017 when we adopted him officially. Try that and see how it helps! And it will. Please see a counseller.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Do not let him or anyone else guilt you into hanging around. Marriage is built on trust. Once that is gone, you will forever be questioning his honesty.
If you continue to visit and go back on your word, he’ll see you as a door matt and the only one that will lose out is you.
I understand he is mentally ill. But you are also a person with feelings and whoever these friends are that are welcoming his advances are not worth your time nor your forgiveness.
You have done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. And I’m not sure how much of this is due to his mental health issues or whether he is like this anyway. But you have to be safe and secure in yourself. You have no obligation to be put through that kind of disrespect and treatment from someone who is supposed to love you. Do not enable him any further and do whatever feels right for you alone. Good luck.