Hi, I never thought Ide find myself posting on this forum again. Bit of background, I cared for my mum for 5 long difficult years before she died in 2019 and after covid and all the madness I have got my life back on track. This forum was invaluable during that time.
However, my husband and his brother and sister are now caring for their mum (MIL) who is mentally fine but physically is becoming frail. She has told the GP that she wants a DNR (thats fair enough) but also that when the end is here wants to be nursed at home . The only issue I have is that was decided with no consultation with the family and my question is WHO is going to provide this nursing. My sister in law (SIL) does most of the caring with a lot of support from my husband and his brother, they do more practical things and we all make sure she has good meals and is clean.
She refuses to have carers or a social worker but the children have power of attorney.
Has anyone any experience of end of life at home or maybe even some kind words. I feel I’m in a difficult position
Thanks for listening
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hi @What_Katy_Did , it is a akward one even with power of attorney. I think it will be a hospic she will be needing but that is down to someone else like the hospic place to say yes or no. I would speak to the GP or a medical lawyer on this. you can try the carers helpline as they might have some sort of idea but it really is a a catch 22 sitiuation. hope you get some answer.
Thanks for the reply, I don’t think we are at that point yet but the difficulty is she is beginning to refuse medical treatment, even for things easily addressed, without starting WW3. I totally get the DNR but I didnt think it applied to minor ailments!
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No one can be forced to care.
Unfortunately the end of life often comes slowly over years. I would suggest you Googled Signs of Death. Lots of helpful information about how the body slowly shuts down.
Those providing the care have to make their own individual choices, don’t get dragged into it all. A lot of help and support is available if she chooses to take it, but she can’t refuse and then tell others what she wants them to do.
The only power she has over them is the power they let her have!
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Hi @What_Katy_Did I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this position. All I can say as reassurance, as BB says above, you cannot be forced to care. This may be your MIL’s wish, but it is not legally enforceable. I currently have 4 members of my and my husband’s family in Care Homes and my dad was too for two years before he passed away in 2021. ALL of them stated clearly on their respect forms, that they wanted to be nursed at home and it just wasn’t possible for any of them. Additionally, my Aunt who passed away in 2022, literally begged nursing staff to let her go home to die and they refused, as it was not what was best for her. So, I would try not to worry. It may be a wish but no one is bound by it. I explained to all my family members that I had tried to fulfil their wish but it just hadn’t been possible…….sending you strength 
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Ultimately everyone has to focus on what the patient NEEDS, not wants. I want to be kept pain free, clean, warm and cosy. Above all, pain free, regardless of the consequences. I have drummed that into my eldest son so he never forgets!
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@What_Katy_Did I also just noted that your MIL is refusing carers and a SW. When my mum did this repeatedly, I struggled on and on, at her beck and call. She wouldn’t let me call for help when she had a series of falls and when I defied her and called an ambulance, she told the crew I panicked too easily and was controlling. At that point, I literally walked away and refused to care for her any more. When left with no support, she had no choice but to go into a Care Home. It’s really hard, but once you down tools and refuse flatly to support, the professionals have to take over and your MIL will have no choice in the matter.
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Thanks for your kind words. The main issue I have is that this was all decided with no consultation, my husband was told after the fact. I am worried I will be guilt tripped into pitching in and I’ve done this once, on my own, never again. I would arrange day care, carers, the lot but it’s not my mum. I will be offline for a couple of days now so don’t be offended it I don’t acknowledge any replies.
Thanks again
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@What_Katy_Did Hi, I think you are worrying about something you don’t need to worry about. The TEP (Treatment Esculation Plan) that you are talking about has several options such as resusitaion, going to hospital or not if there is an option etc. It just records the patients wishes should there be an option and they are unable to communicate what they would like to happen, if they can communicate then it doesn’t come in to play. Regarding care thats a whole different ball park, I have 2 siblings that are unable to help due to one being in Australia and one being unwell. My brother asked me if he should come down to visit dad, it would be very difficult for him, my view is when everything reaches its natural conclusion the only important thing is that you are happy with what you did, and maybe your husband is happy with your actions as well. Good luck
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Thank you all for your replies, I have been unable to post recently so I apologise for the delay. I think I just needed to vent with people who understand. Friends and family don’t always
Thanks again
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