This may be an odd title, but how is it that the person(s) you are caring for always seem to know when you have planned a holiday/event/time for hobbies and they have a medical emergency which always seem to coincide with your planned enjoyable activity? Everything can be going along nicely for ages, then BOOM!! Interested to know other people’s experiences of this as it’s happened a couple of times to me in the past few months and I have a situation going on right now. What did you do? Did you manage to still get your planned time off? Did it entail white lies or going off the radar completely to get your ‘me time’?
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I was in hospital having major abdominal surgery. Mum fell over while I was in hospital. Doctor demanded I looked after her, I couldn’t even drive for 6 weeks and had a son with learning difficulties, so husband would have to look after a family of 4 over Christmas. Displeased doctor sent mum for an x Ray, turned out her leg was BROKEN!
In the weeks that followed she nearly had it amputated, but after 5 months was finally ready for discharge. Then the Ward sister tried to bully me into caring for her for a few days, again I refused. I couldn’t carry my own shopping, certainly unable to do mum’s! Clearly my own health didn’t matter!
In the end my husband was so concerned that I would never get better at this rate that we went to Australia (where we used to live) for 5 weeks, he said they’d have to leave me alone then.
Sadly, he died of a heart attack 18 months later.
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@Den54 Interesting post. I tend NOT to tell my husband I am going out for a Coffee or on very rare occasions lunch until JUST before. There have been so many times when he has said he is feeling ill/going to call GP just before I am due to leave. I think the people we care for are mega manipulative in my case. In others, maybe they are feeling vulnerable and do not want to be left alone? Unfortunately I never know if my husband in genuinely feeling ill or just using it as a method of ‘control’ I usually give him the phone number of the Cafe or restaurant as I do not leave my mobile switched on. It does of course have a negative impact on my very few hours of precious freedom.
I am usually not too far away from home - sadly this is not really by choice just that I tell him in an emergency I will be able to get a lift home. I also am reduced to putting cats in bedroom and spare bedroom because once when paramedic went to get equipment she left the door open.That said I do not think nowadays a paramedic would arrive in the time it took for me to get home. Also because a friend would have to drive me I would have a witness and husband would not like that!
No one would work under these conditions - no time off or bank holidays or holidays. Yet we are expected to be available 24/7. I will never be articulate enough to express how bitter and angry I feel at ‘the system’ especially how ‘mental capacity’ is defined.
I think you HAVE to go out as planned and leave a contact number. Ideally the person you care for would have an alarm pendant if you were going away for a while? If you are local then as long as they are able to use the phone, you could home quickly? Unfortunately once you give in, it becomes more and more difficult to plan escapes which are mandatory to the Carers mental health.
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Interesting to hear someone else’s perspective on this. Your life does sound very limited, but as you said, it is essential for mental health! Maybe the person is feeling lonely or just being manipulative, but what amazes me is that Dad didn’t even know I was going anywhere (nor did he know about 2 previous events), yet amazingly all 3 times he managed to fall just a day or two before each event leaving a situation of not knowing if I could ‘escape’ for a few hours. Dad is in a care home now, but do not have enough staff to be go with him when he falls and ends up in hospital (which is where he is right now). I did get my event as planned (I just went, knowing that it was unlikely an 86 year old with a head injury is going to be discharged within 24 hours). My sister visited him which took the pressure off, although I did get a frustrated mobile phone call from the nurse on my way home from the event, who was having difficulty getting him to stay in bed and he kept saying he was being ‘held hostage’ in the hospital and asking whether I had checked on his house in both the morning AND the afternoon!
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Terribly sorry what a struggle you had! Even more important than enjoyable activities for mental wellness, surgery is a planned event that is necessary for your own physical wellbeing. Ridiculous that even with that, you somehow ‘don’t matter’ and are forced to continue caring regardless. Going to Australia seems extreme but hey, if it worked!
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I absolutely hear you! In 2019 I fell down some stairs at work and smashed my leg to pieces. Major surgery with metal rods etc. etc. On the way home from hospital two weeks later my phone rang…… it was a car salesman telling me Mum had burnt out the clutch again on her latest car and needed me to sort out a new car for her. Errrrrrrr……I explained I was out of action which resulted in the salesman appearing on my doorstep that afternoon with my mum in tow, so I could sign the paperwork for the car she had chosen - way out of her price range.
No empathy and no concept of how seriously hurt I was, my injuries were actually life changing, getting her an another new car shifted everyone’s attention from me back to her. Ever since, I’m afraid I never told her when I was away, or else I extended the dates of my “break” and turned my phone off. She’s going into permanent care this week and forgive me for saying it, I CAN’T WAIT for her to be someone else’s problem
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@JayneyT Really pleased you have found a place for your mother. It will be an upheaval but she will hopefully adjust. You just could not go on as you were doing and so glad the GP was supportive. Everything crossed for you and hope you can get some kind of life back.
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I would suggest going away for a week from the day she is admitted!
Definitely have your answerphone on to avoid a barrage of calls.
You have done enough. Feel proud of how long you kept her out of a care home. Without you it would have been inevitable long ago.
Have you been given a care contract by the home?
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@bowlingbun Yes we are off to Suffolk for a week once Mum is in BB to recharge our batteries, getting her house on the market when we get back 
All paperwork being done when I take her in on Monday. Yesterday she asked me if I had hired a removal van to take her things to the Care Home. I think she is under the impression she is taking over the whole floor of the place.
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My mum wouldn’t hear of leaving the contents of her bulging double wardrobe when she went into a care home for her final year, although she knew she would never walk again and couldn’t even roll over in bed! Mum never threw anything away, her house was rammed full, it took me and my two strong sons a year to empty the place! Nightmare, especially as her furniture was almost all Ercol. We emptied all her personal effects from her lounge and then gradually sold everything from there, rather like a showroom. Mum wanted to approve prices for everything! The rest of the family were “too busy” to help! You need to tell the insurers that the house will be unoccupied.
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Sending healing thoughts to you …. what horrendous behaviour from that Doctor. So sorry for your loss. Carers aren’t respected in this World. I truly pray that you receive peace and a supportive environment 
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I care for my husband, who has mobility, anxiety, mild Parkinsons issues. I am in that same situation , went out for one hour, first time on my own for months, he seemed fine when I got back, but today is in full anxiety mode. I am just not sure what is generalised anxiety or just because whenever I do something for myself he feels out of control, he always seems to be extra anxious etc when he sees me doing something for myself, which is seldom. Do not know what to do, feel I am being cruel if I do something for myself, so don’t even try anymore.
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@Elisemig No you are NOT being cruel. You are taking the necessary steps to keep yourself mentally healthy so that you CAN go on caring. I would literally beg you to carve out some kind of social life for yourself. Yes you may have to make BIG compromises. I am frankly very upset I cannot go to evening events with my social group. You could leave a phone number and stay local. Please do not allow him to ‘control’ you as it will only get worse.
Sorry do not mean to sound hard but my husband almost drove me to clinical depression. He does not like me going out alone as ‘Wives should not go out without husbands’ but I will keep on doing so as it is the ONLY way I can keep my sanity.
I find it hard because I never know if he is really feeling ill or just using it as a form of ‘control’. But I now tell him on the day I am going out. Helps as he is very forgetful so if I tell him the day before he does not always remember. So many times he has stopped me by saying he needs to phone the GP and I have to be there as he is so deaf. I have to round all the cats up before I go to keep them safe.
It actually helps that I no longer like my husband and see it as a business arrangement. But I do my best to keep him safe even though he is non medically compliant. I would quite literally ‘lose the will to live’ if not able to get out for a coffee or an afternoon tea event.
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Everyone needs to have a corner of their lives for themselves, This means that there is something new to talk about, think about. For health reasons I’m a part time carer now, my brain damaged son lives 14 miles away, but rings me every night, usually with an other job! He has carers but they don’t understand steam engines, his passion in life. He can’t read, write or do any maths but can light up and drive our 10 ton steam traction engine, by himself!
In total I’ve had 10 carees, all four parents and all four of my brother’s family. At one time 5 of them were entitled to highest disability benefits at the same time. I was widowed 18 years ago. There was no time left for me to be myself. Counselling made me realise that I had a right to do things for myself, I love sewing, and for 2 weeks every year I now escape to Greece, a hotel just for single travellers. An entirely different group of friends when I can relax and be as active or idle as I want. One of my friends is also a carer, I never thought I’d make a new best friend when I was 70. We can’t get together in the UK but often share things we see on the internet the rest of the year. We go home revived and refreshed, feeling 10 years younger.
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It helps to know I am not alone in feeling this way. I think I need to do things without him to give him confidence, but it is hard dealing with what happens.Hope you can keep yourself syrong, and a little bit free to be you.
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You sound so sensible and focused, your plan to keep time for yourself seems to be an excellent choice.
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@Elisemig I am not underestimating how tough it is but you really do need to claw some kind of a life for YOU. If he loves you he will want you to stay as happy as you can in these difficult circumstances. Sometimes even a visit to the library and walking back is enough. I get a huge amount of happiness chatting to the dog walkers and I always go and get the paper each day - makes me do my hair and makeup and I chat to the staff. Please do not ignore YOUR needs. Cyber hugs.
We do have Roll Call. We share the ups and downs of caring and yes, sometimes some (black) humor creeps in. Just ‘lurk’ if you wish and post when YOU feel ready. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Been a life saver for me.
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So sorry to hear about your injuries. It does seem that whatever happens to you as a carer, no matter how bad it is, the sudden unfortunate circumstances of the caree seem to trump whatever your problem! Annoying! Glad to hear you have found a permanent care placement. I just hope you can enjoy some much needed breaks from now on.
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@Den54 thank you that’s really kind. The reality of Mum actually being in care hasn’t hit me yet, there were times when I thought I would never be free of my caring responsibilities and that I might even die before her from the strain of it all. She has given me permission to put her house on the market, so she seems to have accepted that there is no going back. I keep waiting for the hammer to fall, but maybe it won’t 
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Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly 
. It may not go entirely as expected and there may be ups and downs particularly with adjusting to being in a home (I experienced that recently with Dad after being in a home after about a month or so when the ‘honeymoon’ was over), but I hope mum settles in okay.
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