Anyone else anxious about their own future?

All about caring
1

Hi
I’m very aware that this may come across as me being selfish, or feeling sorry for myself… or possibly both, but here goes, I just need to share and then maybe it won’t feel so ‘big’ a worry.

Some days I just feel SO anxious about what my own future is going to be when the inevitable happens - what I am going to do and how.

I live with my Mother (the person I care for), its her house and presumably one day it will be split between my and my Sister.
My Sister has her own little set up with her husband and lives a few minutes drive away.
I did have a partner, but the relationship has fallen apart with Caring time taking over the majority of things, and also in part due to my Sister not being will to stay over with our Mother at night (she said she’d do it once, but only as a one off), and also in part due to the fact that my partner was having treatment for Blood Cancer but still managing to work in the daytime when I could possibly have still seen him and maintained some sort of a private life.

Some people tell me that my Sister may want me out of the house, some people tell me she may want rent for her half. I got so stressed about this last year that I spoke to a Citizens Advice person. They assured me that if she and her husband did want me out, then it would be a lengthy and expensive process for them. And that I could probably go on a housing list.
I worry that if my Sister did want rent, how would I find it? I worry that even if I am able to stay in the house, I’ll not be able to pay the bills, have any work done on it, etc. I’ve not worked for 6 years (coming up to 7, the first 2 years after my Redundancy were spent trying unsuccessfully, to get a job. Since then I’ve been my Mother’s Primary Carer and not been able to work apart from a 2 hour a fortnight(!) Cleaning job. Sometimes I really worry how I’d pay the bills, feed myself etc.

Some people tell me not to worry because there would always be Benefits and Housing Benefits. But I do worry - maybe I’m just made that way - I think that Benefits, rules and regulations etc etc will probably all change.

My main worry is that I feel like I should be doing a bit of planning my future so that I feel a little more secure and less anxious in general, but I don’t know what I might need to plan for, or when, and I don’t know how to plan for something that I don’t know exactly what it is.

Anyway, sorry to waffle… I’ll shut up now. Time to get Mother’s (and my) tea. I just thought that if I wrote something on here there may be other people in the same boat that maybe have a similar situation and a plan of how to cope.

Thanks for reading.
Best regards.

2

What happens to the house depends on what Mum has put in her Will. If she hasn’t made a Will then she should immediately , taking a solicitors advice.
You should talk to Mum about your fears and concerns and she may then make better provision for your future. She may not realise how precarious your position is.
There may also be concerns if she should ever have to go into residential care, and at that point your age becomes a factor, so can you tell us how old you are?

All this assumes Mum still has mental capacity to make financial decisions, does she?

Kr
MrsA

3

My mum changed her will in my favour when my useless brothers did nothing. I inherited half the value of the house, my brothers got a quarter each.

It would be a REALLY good idea if mum gave you half the house immediately, as a thank you for caring for her. It would also ensure that the council couldn’t ask for it to be sold if mum went into care.

4

But that would then be counted as deprivation of assets if mum has to go into care. Better wait see what age Pauline is and for her to get urgent legal advice

5

Hi Pauline
That’s pretty much what happened to me. I’ve stayed put but spent a year doing up the house to get lodgers in to help pay for the upkeep. I wouldn’t say life is easier post care, just different . Life goes on and you will manage, there are different options, none of them ideal but try not to panic.

6

Pauline, what happens to the house if mum needed to go into care is quite complicated.
However, if you are over 60, and living with mum, with no other home, the value of the house MUST be disregarded. This is why Mrs. A has asked how old you are.

7

Hi all

Thank you all for your responses.
I’m the grand old age(!) of 54 and my Mother is 90. She has made a Will that says everything should be split between me and my Sister.
I don’t think she will ever go into a Care Home - that is something that neither my Sister, my Mum or Myself would ever want. But who knows what the future holds.

8

Pauline, don’t say “Never”. It’s obviously not what anyone WANTS, but may be what someone NEEDS.

What you need to start feeding into discussions is that
You are getting older
Mum’s needs are increasing

The more help mum accepts from outside, the longer you will be able to care for her. What happens so often (I saw it with all four of our parents) is that they can muddle along until something unexpected happens, which turns out to be a Life Changing Moment.

For my mum in law, it was simply tripping over a step and grazing her shin. It wouldn’t heal, she needed a skin graft, which didn’t take, her dementia got worse rapidly in hospital. She was discharged with no warning, was at home with her husband just for one terribly difficult night, and then residential care until she died.

The “Very Elderly” - classed as over 85’s have rapidly increasing needs, and develop the inability to see how much others are doing for them, becoming totally “self focussed”. Gradually the roles reverse, so you take on the role of parent.

9

In your original post you used the word “selfish”. It’s not in the least selfish, in fact it’s absolutely vital that you look after your own long term interests, as well as mum.

When writing this, it always reminds me of the safety talk at the beginning of any flight. Put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help anyone else.

10

I think this is a question on every carers mind, what happens if the worse happens.

Not to mention the usual sibling annoyance, my Sister told me if anything happened to Mum in the Nursing home, I was to blame. Mums been home 19 days, my Sister has visited once for a measly hour along with her usual apologetic text for her “No Show”! She lives 5 minutes from us:-(

The carer does all the work, then when the inevitable happens, everyone else appears demanding this and that, you ask where were you when I needed you?

“I couldn’t get time of work”
“We had a holiday booked”
“We were all really poorly”
"I COULDN’T BE BOTHERED, NOW SHES GONE I CAN CLAIM MY INHERITANCE!

Simples:-(

11

Good day, Pauleen. So your mum has made a will in what she sees as an equitable arrangement.

Siblings can, and often do, share a jointly owned house perfectly happily. Things can get tricky if, for instance, one sibling later wants to move out while the other wants to stay put. The problem is that in real life we do not always live in equitable circumstances. This is what applies to you and your sister. If she becomes the owner of half a house, to what use can she put it when she has a home of her own already?

It is time to worry less and consider how you might deal with the future. How approachable is your sister? I think that it would be well worth your while to discuss with her what would be her intentions when the time comes. Would she really want to kick you out or charge you rent? (Don’t ask her that directly of course, but she what response you get to open discussion.)

I should also get advice from a solicitor or other suitable legal advisor, and consider what your options would be. There is probably a way whereby you could continue to live in that house within your means.

Forewarned is forearmed - and can allay many of your worries.

12

Anxious about my future ?
At 86 I probably haven’t got one. :laughing: