Angry sister

New to Carers Connect
1

My older sister, who is 74 fell in her flat recently, she lives alone and is fiercely independent. She has no close friends or neighbours to call on.

Following her fall she called me, unable to get up and my husband drove us both to her flat about 100 miles away to help. We had to alert neighbours, at 12am, to get into her block of flats as there is an entry phone, and we didn’t have a key.

After ringing 999 two paramedics came and assisted her up. She is in a great deal of pain, has limited mobility due to lymphodema and walks with two sticks. The paramedics checked her over throughly and she was not admitted to hospital.

After a couple of days, with her agreement, she came to live with us. We all adjusted and probably experienced a honeymoon phase. The local GP surgery won’t take her as a temporary resident, because of COVID, and she won’t register as a permanent resident because she wants to remain with her home practice.

After being unable to manage her pain using her prescribed medication, of codiene paracetamol (for arthritis) and nurophen plus, which she has been advised not to take because of kidney problems. I rang the 111 service for advice, and she was prescribed oramorph which managed her pain

She takes half a teaspoon every four hours, which makes her very drowsy and last night began hallucinating. She is very frightened and upset but now won’t take any more.

We have talked about this, and it is her choice. I had hoped she would rest and recover with me. She wants to get better, but is very angry. She is rigid in her thinking, is frightened of being alone.

I am helping her wash, and dress but cannot continue I am physically exhausted. She insists she doesn’t need help. She was taken over our home, sits in our living room watching tv programmes that she enjoys, but sulks if we want to watch programmes we enjoy. We have a bedroom with a tv for her but she won’t use it, says she feels lonely on her own.

We had an argument last night. I had missed seeing my two year old grandaughter who I normally care for once a week, because she didn’t want to be on her own, and I don’t see how this will change.

My sister has alway been determined, and probably needed to be. I am resentful, I cannot become exhausted by her needs. I have cared for our Father and Mother, and younger brother, while she remained distant, saying she couldn’t manage, didn’t have my patience…only coming to my brothers funeral for a short time and going home by train the same day.

I found this forum, and it is helpful to know I am not alone, I retired from work in March at the beginning of COVID, I know I miss my colleagues, who would have laughed with me, and I could have worked through this. I know that things must change, but at the moment I am not able to see a way through.


Sue

2

Does your sister still have her own home?
I’m sure you realise now that it was a BIG mistake to have her come to live with you, if you don’t do anything, you are going to be stuck with her until she dies.
She could have had emergency care in her home.
What Covid tier are you in, and your sister?
A friend cared for his mum until she was 104!
Did she own or rent her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? This is the rough Social Services limit for help.
What does she say she wants to do now? Staying at your place is NOT an option.
She must either take responsibility for herself or move into residential care.
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Has she had a recent assessment from Social Services?
What would she need to keep her safely in her own home?
Top of the list should be a pendant alarm and a key safe.
Given her behaviour when you could have done with help with parents and brother, she has forfeited any right to help from you, in my book.
Meanwhile, stop making her so welcome. It is YOUR television, YOUR lounge.
Maybe it’s time for your husband to step up and tell her she must leave by the New Year?

3

Hello,

Yes my sister owns her own home.
She has resisted all support, in the past, saying she can manage.

I was a social worker before I retired so thankfully know a bit, but my sister has to agree to assessment and services.

I can only try and link her up with her own local services, through her GP.

She is agreeing to having a key safe and a pendant, but I think if she goes home she will change her mind, until she needs emergency care again.

I’m not sure about my own carers assessment, as we live in different local authorities, should I request one in my own authority or the one she lives in?

As far as finances go, I don’t know about her savings, but could ask. She isn’t claiming attendance allowance as at the moment, but could make a claim. However she sees herself as getting better and not needing any help.

Thank you for your reply.

Sue

4

Then take her back to her place asap.
Every day you leave it she’s going to get more settled in, stop being so nice, when did she ever care about anyone other than herself?
If she thinks she can manage on her own, but can’t, don’t fill in the gaps again!!

I know this sounds brutal, but my comments come from my own experiences.

5

Well Christmas came and went.

My sister refused to go to bed, and slept in a chair downstairs. Last night she fell again. Didn’t hurt herself this time.

We rang 111 again, doctor thought this was not a health issue, but social care. Everything seems closed, both our GP practice and my sisters.

We are waiting for Tuesday until everything opens up again to try to access care, but I am worried she will fall again, or will fall in her own flat, when she goes home.

I’m trying to be calm, but my emotions are in turmoil.

6

If she falls and can’t get up, that’s an ambulance service job, do NOT pick her up.
Social Services should have Reablement Care available to keep her out of hospital.
A Lifeline should be fitted quickly, a key safe should be available easily too.
Then the Lifeline people and the GP can be given the key safe number.
Does your sister have a very bent back, by any chance?

7

She is walking bent over, yes, as if she is trying to avoid anything she might fall over. Her sight isn’t very good, even with her glasses and her hearing is not good. She is better if she can lip read.

The ambulance crew who came to help in London spoke about a re enablement team to avoid admission, but of course we brought her to Somerset.

How would I find out if this is available out if this is available for her?

Sue

8

She needs to go back to London. Authorities will argue over who is responsible for her if she doesn’t!

If she has osteoporosis, and a bent back, that may be why she keeps falling, because without warning the spine squashes the nerves to her legs. This is what happened to my mum, in the end she was told not to even try to walk, and had to be hoisted in and out of bed for the rest of her life.

Do you really want to be responsible for all this???

It’s sink or swim time for her. Either she goes home, or into residential care. Staying at your place is NOT an option, if you want a life of your own!

9

There should be a community care team in her home town, who give help and support to the elderly/disabled, to try and prevent hospital admission.

10

It’s one of the requirements of the Care Act.

11

Well, Christmas over.

My sister want to go home. We are ringing her surgery tomorrow when they are open to put together support for her at home.

She has agreed to a key safe and a pendant.

We would like her to see her doctor, but again, she has to agree.

She lives a 100 miles from me, I am worried she will fall again, when she is alone, and hurt herself badly.

Our Mother fell when she was in hospital and fractured her pelvis and didn’t walk afterwards. So I do tend to think of the worst scenario.

Still, thinking this way isn’t helpful to either of us, I want to try to give her what she wants, she has throughout her life always helped me.

Sue

12

No, she didn’t!

Read your earlier posts again, was she there when you needed her when dealing with mum or dad or brother?

13

No…

She always listened, to me when I had problems, but wasn’t good at practical hands on stuff.

Both my brother and her said they got too upset seeing mum and dad struggling. Because of my professional work as a social worker I did know about services and care. I was appointee and managed finances.

My younger brother and older sister left me alone, didn’t disagree with decisions about which care home for mum. Thought I knew best. Emotionally I was a mess.

When my brother died in the hospice she didn’t come to say goodbye at the end, even though she was asked to come.

Sue

14

Exactly.
What you do in your work life and what affects your family is very different when emotions are involved.
It is time for you and your husband to put yourselves first. That is your absolute right.

15

What a change in 24 hours!

My sister is now registered with the local GP practice, has spoken to a local care home and can move in.

She was linked in to a rapid response team, who came and were to begin personal care today.

After ringing the GP surgery again, a doctor came and assessed her (first time she has been seen, since her fall). The argument being she had social care and not medical needs.

The doctor visited and decided she needed to go to hospital for tests. She was very upset and frightened. She’s been there for five hours, my anxiety is lower. I am hoping to sleep better tonight.

Thank you for reading this and for the support that has been available to me.

Sue
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16

I sense a huge sigh of relief. Try to rest now. If that is difficult commit all the things buzzing round in your head to paper, making lists if needed. Works for me.

17

Yes relief, and guilt.

I am so relaxed today.

I think most carers would identify with those twin emotions.

Sue

18

Whenever the Guilt Monster rears his ugly head, tell him that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, as you did not cause your sister’s problems, but have done your best to support her.

19

I don’t ever feel guilty, but I’m looking forward to some relief: got no idea where it’s going to come from, if it ever does, one of us may have to die for that to happen. :angry:

20

I am so sorry that life is so difficult for you.

I have only experience a few weeks of anxiety about my sister. She still has the ability to understand how difficult it was for all of us all when she was living with us, so she has made the choice to move to respite care from hospital.

I know it is not possible for everyone to have these choices, we are lucky.

Sue
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