Nobody can ever appreciate how tough being a carer is until they have experienced it. Outsiders looking in, even friends, rarely see how draining it can be both physically and emotionally. Currently caring for three family members - dad in a home with dementia, mum struggling with mobility and loneliness issues and an adult brother with learning disabilities. Reaching out to vent as my wife is the only person who sees and hears about the real impact, which is unfair to lay on one person. Can become incredibly low but kick my self back by hitting the saddle and heading out for long cycle rides whenever I can. Struggle to accept that this is now my life as deep down it is not the life I want. Guilt, family loyalties and a fear of letting each of them down drags me down, particularly in the morning when I wake up realising what is ahead of me. In many ways I am fortunate as not looking after any of them full time like many on here but the responsibilities are huge and you never know what the next phone call, e-mail or letter might bring. Seeing that I am not alone in this and hearing about other carers’ experiences really helps as there is no-one I know who is in a similar position - classic experience of looking around and seeing friends and neighbours enjoying themselves and making the most of their retirement as I always thought I would do. Notice that many carers on here are ladies which makes it even more isolating for us guys as we just don’t see other fellas in the same situation. Trying to do all the things I know we should like regular exercise, time out to enjoy things as and when we can, creating boundaries around how much care each of my families get but put this all together and it gets pretty exhausting and you wonder how long you can keep it all going before everything crashes down around you. Bit long and rambling but hope that some of this resonates with others. Read many of the posts and replies on here and find them useful and often encouraging. If there are any guys on here who want to chat, feel free to give me a shout.
Hi Mark - ramble - vent - shout - scream - curse (but you may get your message blocked by the system!! 
) all you need - WE get it. Families mostly don’t and friends really don’t see what it means to be a Carer.
As you say ‘you have to do it before you know’. I never believed it would be as hard as it was til I was thrown in at the deep end.
Well done for getting out on your bike. I used dog walks as my escape - because he HAD to be taken out daily.
Oh wow! You’ve hit the nail on the head ‘never know what the next phone call or letter will bring’. Yet another medical appointment with no clear indication of what it is for. Repeat appointments without explanation. One medic not talking to another so you have to repeat yourself til you are blue in the face! Changes in medication, then change it back, then change it again…
The evening after Graham’s funeral a “friend” stood with six others and said “I never knew Graham was so ill !” He had visited 2 months before and I’d had to keep asking for privacy in the lounge so I could change G’s wet pads or clean him up when he lost bowel control - and he JUST DIDN’T SEE !!! Two friends came to me and said they wanted to hit him as THEY knew the score!
As you can tell by the comment above I am no longer a Carer but happy to chat if I can help as a shoulder for you. Like just about everyone on here, I don’t judge or tell you what to do, but I can empathise with waking up and feeling that dread of what is in store with ‘no escape’.
By the way - the ladies on here are really lovely and supportive too and they will all ‘call a spade a spade’ so don’t worry about them being the “fairer sex” - oh I am soooo setting myself up for a slapping from the Sistahood!!! (you’ll find out what the means, I am sure!)
Thanks for a great reply Chris and hope that you are starting to rebuild a good life after losing Graham - sounds like like you cared for him incredibly well. Will keep in touch.
I know those feelings only too well. At one stage 5 relatives entitled to highest disability benefits, one too proud/stubborn to apply. Still saying “I’m not disabled” a month before he died!
Counselling helped me later. Think of the jobs YOU have to do, and what another pair of hands can do equally well. Flatten the garden, buy a dishwasher and tumble dryer. Where is brother living? He’s entitled to exemption from council tax.
Thanks @bowlingbun support workers help with my brother and yes he is exempt from council tax.