I have been caring for my mum for the past four months as she is nearing the end of her life due to metastatic cancer. I have made modifications to my home to have bedroom downstairs, have taken months of work to care for her myself. I have three young children who I’m also caring for (1,3,6) and a partner who works everyday (self employed). My mum requires all personal care, dressings, medications, help with mobility etc and I have been doing this alone.
I have 2 sisters, I’m the middle child. They basically have busy lives, can’t take time off work etc etc. occasionally phone, rarely visit- you guys prob know about this!
My mum is deteriorating quickly now, last week we had an hospital visit because of infection and confusion. I recognised the symptoms, got the right help and got her to hospital. When there the consultant had a very difficult discussion about if carrying out treatment was in her best interests etc. consultant said that I had down a good job looking after her and I guess when they heard that something changed . my sisters who came rushing in screaming and shouting about this. My mum responded to fluids and by morning was alert and aware of where she was. After some treatment- a pd drain to get 9.5 litres out of abdomen that I asked about- we brought her back to mines.
Everything fine for couple of days, I’m still doing mostly everything although my two youngest are in the middle of chickenpox infection and everything seemed fine.
Woke up on Saturday with blinding headache, district nurse had come by and needed some info that of course the didn’t know. Partner had arrange time off as he saw how unwell I was. They said don’t worry we’ve got mum u go back to bed which I did. Got up later and they all in mums room all night. Wake up next morning to discover I have chicken pox also, come downstairs into to see mum and they have all her belongings packed up- literally everything and she’s going with them because she and I need a break. I asked for how long, don’t know. Mum there just agreeing. They get her dressed, put everything in the car and just left- no good byes to me or hubby or her 3 grandchildren who are heartbroken. I have literally cried since then and can barely write this now, I’m so devastated! She may only have days left and they want to take her shopping etc- she’s on string driver and has sub lingual tablets for movement and still screams in pain. It’s so unrealistic! She could have done that months ago but now out of some guilt they are “helping” now.
I don’t know if I’m being over emotional and dramatic. I haven’t heard a thing from them since the left yesterday lunchtime and I’m too upset and angry. AIBU
Hi Stressed Out,
I’m not surprised you are upset and angry; as you were not involved in any of the decision making and are naturally worried as your Mum is now on palliative care.
However, you do sound like you need a break; and it will be safer for your Mum because of the chicken pox.
Who wants to take your Mum shopping? Your siblings? If they hardly ever see her they are probably in denial over how ill she is. Hopefully they’ll quickly realise.
Has your Mum been taken to a nursing home/hospice?
Can you husband visit her to reassure you?
Would she be able to facetime with you until you are no longer contagious?
Melly1
You are correct in your thinking to my mind, but however, be kind and gracious, they’ve had a massive wake up call and are doing their best to try and make up for it, this is time that they cannot buy back, this is their consciences saying sorry. Yes you are right to be aggrieved, but this is an emotional time for all of you and what they are doing is probably the last thing your mother needs but she’s probably just elated they’ve found some time for her.
You’re ill with chickenpox, you need to rest and recover to regain your equilibrium and a more balanced view of things as you are probably a little off kilter. However the fundamentals will still remain and you will still feel the same but with some generosity towards them amidst your annoyance.
Play nicely for what time your mum has left, bite your tongue to avoid tensions while your mum is still here, it will keep, let them have it afterwards, serve it cold.
They have no idea at all, but this is probably an indication of just how guilty they have been feeling, but true to form only considering themselves and their own feelings. Concentrate on getting yourself well again. Mum will not have been fooled for one moment, I’ m sure, by their sudden interest! Could it be financially motivated??
I very sympathize with your situation, your feelings are normal, thanks for sharing
There is nothing like a guilty conscience to prompt actions.
Your mother is probably going along with it for the sake of it and some time with them, complex stuff.
I hope you are well soon and able to have your mother return to yours.