I don’t post very often, but had some really helpful people contact me after my last post, which helped me cope and get by. So fast forward about 8/9 months. My wife, is in a much better place having not made any attempts on her life in a long while now, to the point that I am meant to be going back onto my Teacher Training Course that I had to defer in January this year due to having to be there to care for wife and kids.
This should be a good thing, as the earning potential, both as a student and when I have qualified is far better than living on benefits. However, right now I am in a really low place personally, and not sure how to get myself out of it. There are multiple reasons (I am not expecting people to give me sympathy or anything, just needing to get things out). I don’t know if its the seasonal affective disorder thing, but always seem to have a dip in my mental health around this time, so never a good starting point. Added to this, if I had my way I would look after the kids and my wife would go to work, I don’t enjoy work and as a whole I don’t like people, from experience they use you to better themselves/company and then never give the same support back. Unfortunately for me, due to the abuse my wife received as a child, she never really accomplished much academically, so her earning potential is significantly lower than mine. As such i have to be the bread winner, something I accept but wish didn’t have to be that way. So the thought of after having a sustained period off looking after the family is really hard to take. This is made worse that I found the course hard (I know higher education shouldn’t be easy, but even my previous degree I managed to come out with a good grade without putting in as much work as I should) this was obviously made more difficult by my wifes impending breakdown and the cracks that were beginning to appear in the months leading up to it. I am just really scared that I won’t be able to pass the course, and if I do pass the course, that I won’t be a good teacher!
I know this sounds silly, but I have been messed around by previous employers, and it has left me questioning myself and the overall work environment.
Ultimately and unsurprisingly, the emotional strain of having to support my wife during her low times, has taken a toll on me emotionally, having to try and convince someone who honestly feels the best option for everyone is for them to die, that they are wrong is hard, so is having to safety proof the house like you do for a toddler, but for someone who can reach and climb and open safety locks. Worrying when you lay in bed, that they might not be asleep (even though you’ve watched them for an hour) and they have a stash of tablets or a knife you had missed and what you would wake up to. I have spoken to people and they say how well I am doing, but (and I don’t really know what I am wanting) just feel like they are saying what they think they should rather than really being able to understand how it feels. Probably why I take the thoughts and opinions of all of you more seriously, as you have actually been there and know what I am talking about, rather than studying it in a text book so unable to really emotionally relate.
In short, I don’t feel that I am good enough, as a father and husband, as a student and ultimately employee. Yes I can keep my family safe, but I don’t trust other to do it when I’m not there. So I have this constant feeling of being completely overwhelmed by the future, and the fear of having to face it. So to be brutally honest I have contemplated both self harm and suicide. As such I have contacted Wellbeing, and they are organising some counselling, so fingers crossed that helps.
Its all not helped by the fact I have a long standing ACL and Meniscal Tear, which I am waiting to be operated on. Apparently I am urgent on the list, but haven’t been seen since January! I know the NHS is over-stretched and I am so thankful for all they do, as they kept Fee alive on several occasions, not to mention the support that she has received. However, as anyone who has ruptured their ACL knows, you have no stability in your knee, and now the ground is getting slippy, I am falling over regularly as I can’t stop myself if my good leg slips. The last time, I was carrying my youngest daughter, and cut my knee open to avoid dropping her. But that is a moan for a different forum.
I apologise for this post being all over the place, but that is how my brain is at the moment, one of our girls has got some viral illness so her sleep is all over the place and as such running on fumes.