I'm really struggling

Hello, I only just found out about this forum this morning while doing a Google search, I wish I’d known there was a specialised forum like this earlier! Whether anyone can help or not, I really just want to get some stuff off my chest. I’ve been fraught for a long time, so I’m sorry if this won’t be very well-structured.

So, to begin. I am 28, and I’ve been a single carer for my disabled mother and sister my entire adult life ever since leaving High School 10 years ago (my father left us when I was 2). I have no offline friends, have never been in a real relationship or had a ‘normal job’, have few qualifications (school was not exactly a good time, either), I almost never go outside and I have no outlets other than digital entertainment like video games and forums. I don’t feel like my life is ‘on hold’ so much as I feel like it never even started in the first place. And I just feel so frustrated, both with myself and my situation.

My mother has severe chronic bad back that makes it hard or impossible to go about daily life, agoraphobia and a host of other mental illnesses that prevent her from functioning well in day-to-day life. My sister has chronic low blood sugar, a weak constitution and her own host of mental health issues. I myself have Asperger’s syndrome, depression and anxiety, so working as a carer is particularly difficult for me as I’m dealing with a lot myself. But they’re dealing with worse, and I get carers’ allowance, so I have to step up and do what I can. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing up, shopping…the usual.

But here’s where things get really…complicated. I don’t normally tell anyone this, and it’s something I hate talking about, but…my mother abused me as a child, both physically and verbally. I’d rather not go into the details (it wasn’t sexual abuse, at least), but it seriously hurt me as a child and left me with next to no self-esteem. To her credit, she’s far, far better these days and has been for years, shows concern for how badly I’m struggling as a carer and supports my ideas for my future, but…it’s so hard to let go of the bitterness, resentment and trauma from my childhood. And this is the person I’ve given up my entire adulthood so far to care for. I’m sorry, I’m sure this must sound so selfish, and I feel frustrated with myself for feeling like this about my own family, but I just need to finally say how I really feel. I just don’t know how to let go of all the resentment over my childhood that I’ve kept bottled up my whole life.

I have things I want to do, you know? I’d like to start taking dance classes and go to gym to learn new skills and improve my fitness (I get very little exercise or fresh air), I’d like to go to College and redeem my education and make some friends, I’d like to learn German (my only real friend is German and I want to visit the country to meet up, and I’m considering the idea of one day studying in Germany to become an English teacher there; I’ve helped my German friend out with her English and found it fulfilling, so I’m considering making a career out of it eventually). But I feel so held back, both by the pandemic and my perpetual lack of energy. Neither my mother or sister can go outside, so we haven’t been able to get them vaccinated (tried over and over for a home visit but it keeps going nowhere) so I’m terribly frightened of tracking the virus in and putting them in serious danger if I go out. And my constant stress and exhaustion mean I have very little energy to do much anything else productive, even struggling to entertain myself with a game most days. Plus, my Asperger’s and own mental health struggles mean I’m already predisposed to isolating myself and being a bit of a loner. So, I just feel so trapped, rooted to the spot and like my life is going nowhere fast. And I’m approaching my 30s, so I’m also feeling a creeping and ever increasing sense of paranoia that I’m running out of time and won’t get to start my life until I’m old. I know, I know, I’m still young, but…it’s hard to believe that when I’ve never made anything of my youth. I just feel so thoroughly at a loss…

I’m sorry for the long and selfish ramble. But I just wanted to get this off my chest to people who would understand where I’m coming from. Thank you.

Alex

Well you have found it now.
There’s no limit on size of posts.

You have been and are going through so much.
You seem to have strong resilience and strong sense of self which are great positives.

Are social services involved? have you had a self assessment for your needs?
What if you pack up and go to Germany?

I have no experience of social services so I am not the best person to advise.
But you certainly need to know options for your mother and sister and to be able to pursue your own aspirations and life.

As others will tell you, while you are willing to do the care yourself the authorities will be more than happy to let you do it.

Your feelings are normal, have you had counselling?
It is natural to want your life, to carve your own career.
All of that is normal. What isn’t normal is you being the carer for your mother and sister to the detriment of your own welfare needs and life.

First thing, set yourself a goal of a doing a walk around the block every day for a week, then double it for two weeks, increase it the fourth week, get some air and good endorphins flowing and absorb some vitamin D. Walking is low impact exercise and you can speed walk a little, you can start having a backpack on with a can of beans in it and gradually increase the weight. This is something you can just go out and do - it’s not like your mother and sister will run out and drag you back indoors.
You can do it at your own pace and it will get your leg muscles going to prepare them for other exercise and for dancing.

Dancing - can you find any free dance lessons on youtube to follow? depending on type of dancing and it being conducive to being done in your bedroom, kitchen or living room?
Even if it isn’t the style you want to do, you are doing some dancing, some moving to music and getting those endorphins going. A friend of mine loved line dancing because you get a cup of tea and a biscuit halfway through which you don’t get in ballet or aerobics!
I put music on and salsa or freestyle and get that feelgood buzz.

Hi Alex, your mother and aunt sound awful they are probably too old and set in their ways to change. They have done nothing to deserve your loyalty.
Either you keep trying and never succeed to change or please them, a life ruined by continual frustration; or you admit to yourself that they are beyond help and have to get on with things themselves, for better or worse.

You have had a rubbish young life but it doesn’t always have to be like this.

When I was widowed, I found a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff, mainly aimed at divorcees, but also helpful to me, trying to build a new life. It might help you too.
When your life has been focussed totally on others, it’s really difficult to work out what you want for yourself.
I married a man and his steam roller, later we shipped steam engines round the world, bought a lorry, went to steam rallies almost every weekend, then one thing led to another and I spent 25 years managing an engineering business and a lorry club with my husband! Rather odd for someone who loved wearing dresses, and dress making.
The book will help you work out what you want to do with the rest of your life. It’s never too late to go to college, I studied for a degree when my children were young. If you go to evening classes you will meet others who never had the chance to thrive at school, and meet new people. I just wanted to be “me” at college, very few people knew I had a brain damaged child with severe learning difficulties at school. If mum and aunt were horrible to you, undermining you, then think about having some counselling.
I had a good marriage, now I have a very different life.
I’ve rediscovered my love of travelling, and go on holiday to Crete, where I have a new group of friends. We eat, swim, laugh, and walk our way round Western Crete, and I come home so happy feeling 10 years younger.

You know what you want to do, you just need to find the ways to achieve it, don’t let the start in life you were given stand in the way of it. Easier for me to say than for you to do.
Contact a local college to ask about languages and go in and see them, talk about your career goals.
Don’t be hung up on one country, you need to look at a few languages and find one that suits you.
When you start learning language(s) to teach English you will make friends and when you move abroad to teach you will make friends there.
You need to know about visas, tax etc in the countries post Brexit, a view of their economy prospects and demand for English post Brexit and with the cost of living crisis currently affecting European nations. More reasons to speak with a college about learning language for your aspirations.

I see you mentioned Germany - I lived in Germany most recently for 30 years, and 20 of them I was teaching at a translators’ college. My German was fluent before I went. But there are certainly jobs for people with not much German but UK EFL teaching qualifications, some of which are short courses. The education system varies a bit depending on which of the sixteen (?) federal states you are in. Sometimes there seem too many formalities if you want to study within the German system. I would suggest that you do a German course locally and see how much you like it. You could also try something like italki, which is a system through which you exchange language teaching online with a foreign language speaker. You could choose a German textbook you like and ask the other person to help you follow it, do the exercises etc.
Just take one day at a time, you have too much on your plate, but see how you get on with it and you may always changed your mind in future.

Greta’s reply shows the information you can get when you start asking and finding out about it one thing leads to another.
Networking - you have a great reply from Greta.

Language - if German doesn’t work for you, try another.
Country - considerations - visa, insurance, mental health support, prescribed medicines, medical health support in lieu of NHS, the economy - cost of living and wages, flight costs etc.

Keep an open mind, follow Greta’s information and start making enquiries.

Hello, I am sorry for the somewhat late reply, I’ve been quite busy and when I tried to post yesterday, I wasn’t able to as I got a message saying I can’t post in this forum for some reason. Oops.


Thank you, I appreciate that. I haven’t always had a strong sense of self, but I’ve been reflecting a lot over the past couple of years, and meeting my German friend helped a lot.


Are social services involved? have you had a self assessment for your needs?
What if you pack up and go to Germany?

Not yet, I need to ask about that. I would definitely like to seek some professional help to see if I can get some advice on what I can do going forward. I’ve also been in touch with the managers of my local estate to see if they can help, as well.

I don’t think it would be a good idea to go to Germany right away; my study of the language is still in its infancy, and I’m not yet conversational and wouldn’t be functional day-to-day, so I want to make sure I can manage on my own before I go there.


Your feelings are normal, have you had counselling?
It is natural to want your life, to carve your own career.
All of that is normal. What isn’t normal is you being the carer for your mother and sister to the detriment of your own welfare needs and life.

I have had counselling before, but that was back in 2019 and I wasn’t yet ready to be entirely candid with my feelings or situation, so it wasn’t as helpful as it could be. That is something I will look into as I seek help with the living situation. I have a Carers’ Centre nearby, but I’ve always been afraid to go due to the virus, but I think it may be time now to swallow my fears and go for it. I know they have all sorts of employment, living and mental health counsellors, so I will ask around and see what I can do.


First thing, set yourself a goal of a doing a walk around the block every day for a week, then double it for two weeks, increase it the fourth week, get some air and good endorphins flowing and absorb some vitamin D.

Yep, I decided to go for walks the past couple of days after seeing this, and it was nice! I have had on-and-off habits of going for walks over the past two or three years, but it would always be in the wee hours of the morning on sleepless nights, and I finally went for light afternoon strolls for the first time in years.


Dancing - can you find any free dance lessons on youtube to follow? depending on type of dancing and it being conducive to being done in your bedroom, kitchen or living room?

Unfortunately, my rooms are all very cramped and narrow, and I’m a tall guy with long limbs, so I tend to crash into things. I wish I had more space. I wonder if it might be worth paying a visit to my local dance center/gym and enquiring about the current safety status of joining them.


Contact a local college to ask about languages and go in and see them, talk about your career goals.
Don’t be hung up on one country, you need to look at a few languages and find one that suits you.
When you start learning language(s) to teach English you will make friends and when you move abroad to teach you will make friends there.

I have been in contact with and checking back with my local college for a while, and they currently don’t have any German courses on offer, but I found out yesterday that a new wave of courses will be available mid-June. I have registered my interest in taking German, so I have my fingers crossed they’ll have what I’m looking for!


You need to know about visas, tax etc in the countries post Brexit, a view of their economy prospects and demand for English post Brexit and with the cost of living crisis currently affecting European nations. More reasons to speak with a college about learning language for your aspirations.

Very true, I will definitely ask around about these issues when I can. It would be very helpful to have professional advice so I can form a plan and see if this is definitely the right way to go.


I see you mentioned Germany - I lived in Germany most recently for 30 years, and 20 of them I was teaching at a translators’ college. My German was fluent before I went. But there are certainly jobs for people with not much German but UK EFL teaching qualifications, some of which are short courses. The education system varies a bit depending on which of the sixteen (?) federal states you are in. Sometimes there seem too many formalities if you want to study within the German system. I would suggest that you do a German course locally and see how much you like it. You could also try something like italki, which is a system through which you exchange language teaching online with a foreign language speaker. You could choose a German textbook you like and ask the other person to help you follow it, do the exercises etc.
Just take one day at a time, you have too much on your plate, but see how you get on with it and you may always changed your mind in future.

It is helpful to hear from someone who has lived and worked in Germany, thank you for your advice! My current study focus is learning the grammar rules using an online course called German with Laura, who focuses her lessons around tackling German grammar in an easy to follow and logical manner, and reading children’s stories that I am familiar with from my own childhood, such as Goldlöckchen und die drei Bären (Goldilocks and the Three Bears), Die Drei Kleinen Schweinchen (The Three Little Pigs) und Rotkäppchen (Little Red Riding Hood). It’s both nostalgic revisiting old stories from my childhood in a new way, and helps me understand some basic vocabulary and learn the language’s structure in prose.

I had a chuckle about your long limbs and dancing in a cramped house.
I can see that being rather an issue.

You don’t owe anyone any explanations or responses or to state in full.

There is a world out there with some great and helpful and wonderful people to study with and work with and they are missing out on you, deprived of you.

You have options, find out about them, get prepared, you will know when you are ready.

Sounds great. Good idea to practice grammar. It should fall into place eventually. Enjoy!

Hello Alex - I too stumbled upon this fantastic forum by accident a couple of days ago, and already it’s helping. I’ve had some lovely people offer advice and suggestions and that’s the whole purpose of a platform such as this. So I’m starting to pay that kindness back…

Secondly, please don’t feel you have to apologise for anything. You have laid bare some traumatic and challenging events and have described the way they have impacted you. Your feelings are just that ‘yours’ - and nobody should seek to deny or rationalise them and you certainly don’t have to explain or defend them.

Thirdly, a couple of suggestions:

  1. Have a look at the work of Dr Jonice Webb on Chronic Emotional Neglect - About Emotional Neglect | Dr. Jonice Webb
  2. A good companion piece is https://www.amazon.co.uk/They-You-Up-Survive-Family/dp/0747584788 They F*** You Up - by Oliver James
  3. If time permits, also delve into Transactional Analysis - a branch of Therapeutic Treatment - a great, accessible introduction is Counselling For Toads - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Counselling-Toads-Psychological-Robert-Board/dp/0415174295 - Transactional Analysis has helped me understand what happened during my formative and adolescent years, to contribute to who I am now, and why I am who I am. It may also help you understand neglect and cruelty and how it was hard-wired into parents and significant others. It’s been quite liberating and revealing for me, and I can’t recommend it highly enough

Good luck

Please follow Philips suggestions.
Transactional Analysis is powerful, I came across it on training courses at work, do look into it.

Hi, I know my response is late but I’ve only just seen it.
From what I’ve read of your issue, both your mother and sister should be fine to be left for a couple of hours so that you can do something for you. I’m guessing your sister has diabetes due to the chronic low blood sugar issue you’ve mentioned if so, then she needs to engage with the diabetes clinic who should be supporting her to manage her diabetes. Where is the mental health support team for them both, have you chased it? It’s easy to get stuck in a rut being a carer believing it’s all on you (trust me I’m in the same position) but there is help and support out there, try calling SANE (Contact us - SANE) they provide emotional and practical support for carers dealing with mental health. You need to ask for help for your adult relatives, it won’t come until you do. Also, encourage them to ask for help for themselves, don’t be taken advantage of, unless they’re mentally incapacitated then they are quite able to pick up the phone for themselves. The way I see it (and apologies for the brutality of this) perhaps a good place to start will be to ask yourself is why you feel you can’t let go and allow your relatives to fend more for themselves? If it’s guilt then…. You’re not doing anyone in this situation any favours because resentment eats away at situations and reduces the quality of care you are able to give. A good carer will take time for a break for themselves, it doesn’t make you a bad person, at the very least refer yourself to Talking Therapies (NHS talking therapies - NHS) it’s a free service offered either in person, on line or over the phone so, there’s no excuse not to do it. If you want your life back you have to go for it so… what you waiting for…. Go for it.

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