Hello, I only just found out about this forum this morning while doing a Google search, I wish I’d known there was a specialised forum like this earlier! Whether anyone can help or not, I really just want to get some stuff off my chest. I’ve been fraught for a long time, so I’m sorry if this won’t be very well-structured.
So, to begin. I am 28, and I’ve been a single carer for my disabled mother and sister my entire adult life ever since leaving High School 10 years ago (my father left us when I was 2). I have no offline friends, have never been in a real relationship or had a ‘normal job’, have few qualifications (school was not exactly a good time, either), I almost never go outside and I have no outlets other than digital entertainment like video games and forums. I don’t feel like my life is ‘on hold’ so much as I feel like it never even started in the first place. And I just feel so frustrated, both with myself and my situation.
My mother has severe chronic bad back that makes it hard or impossible to go about daily life, agoraphobia and a host of other mental illnesses that prevent her from functioning well in day-to-day life. My sister has chronic low blood sugar, a weak constitution and her own host of mental health issues. I myself have Asperger’s syndrome, depression and anxiety, so working as a carer is particularly difficult for me as I’m dealing with a lot myself. But they’re dealing with worse, and I get carers’ allowance, so I have to step up and do what I can. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing up, shopping…the usual.
But here’s where things get really…complicated. I don’t normally tell anyone this, and it’s something I hate talking about, but…my mother abused me as a child, both physically and verbally. I’d rather not go into the details (it wasn’t sexual abuse, at least), but it seriously hurt me as a child and left me with next to no self-esteem. To her credit, she’s far, far better these days and has been for years, shows concern for how badly I’m struggling as a carer and supports my ideas for my future, but…it’s so hard to let go of the bitterness, resentment and trauma from my childhood. And this is the person I’ve given up my entire adulthood so far to care for. I’m sorry, I’m sure this must sound so selfish, and I feel frustrated with myself for feeling like this about my own family, but I just need to finally say how I really feel. I just don’t know how to let go of all the resentment over my childhood that I’ve kept bottled up my whole life.
I have things I want to do, you know? I’d like to start taking dance classes and go to gym to learn new skills and improve my fitness (I get very little exercise or fresh air), I’d like to go to College and redeem my education and make some friends, I’d like to learn German (my only real friend is German and I want to visit the country to meet up, and I’m considering the idea of one day studying in Germany to become an English teacher there; I’ve helped my German friend out with her English and found it fulfilling, so I’m considering making a career out of it eventually). But I feel so held back, both by the pandemic and my perpetual lack of energy. Neither my mother or sister can go outside, so we haven’t been able to get them vaccinated (tried over and over for a home visit but it keeps going nowhere) so I’m terribly frightened of tracking the virus in and putting them in serious danger if I go out. And my constant stress and exhaustion mean I have very little energy to do much anything else productive, even struggling to entertain myself with a game most days. Plus, my Asperger’s and own mental health struggles mean I’m already predisposed to isolating myself and being a bit of a loner. So, I just feel so trapped, rooted to the spot and like my life is going nowhere fast. And I’m approaching my 30s, so I’m also feeling a creeping and ever increasing sense of paranoia that I’m running out of time and won’t get to start my life until I’m old. I know, I know, I’m still young, but…it’s hard to believe that when I’ve never made anything of my youth. I just feel so thoroughly at a loss…
I’m sorry for the long and selfish ramble. But I just wanted to get this off my chest to people who would understand where I’m coming from. Thank you.