Hi. My Mother passed away almost a year ago (31st July 2023).
She was 94, a few months away from 95, and had numerous health issues. I was her Primary Carer for the last 10 years of her life. We lost my Dad when I was 19.
The main thing was, I was with her, holding her hand (so was my Sister) as she passed away. I just hope she knew we were there.
I’ve read lots of messages on here and many brought me to tears… Is it normal to feel this way so long after? Is it normal to have flashbacks of that time and to feel ok some days and not others? I just wondered how other people felt almost a year after they had lost someone.
Hugs x
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Hi @Pauline_1702, welcome and so sorry for your loss.
It doesn’t matter how expected someones death was, it can still be a shock when it actually happens. Apparently the hearing is the last sense to fail, so it is likely your Mum knew you and your sister were there with her.
It is common to have flashbacks afterwards, and unfortunately there is no set time limit for how long they can continue for; but they are simply your body’s reaction to a traumatic event. If they persist for a long period of time, get worse or if you are worried about them, I would recommend seeing a counsellor who can help you to process the grief and deal with the flashbacks, but they may well dissipate on their own with time.
Above all, there is no time limit for grief, it takes as long as it takes and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and above all, be kind to yourself.
I have includes a link below to a website which has lots of information which you may find helpful.
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Yes, all this is quite normal. When I was widowed 18 years ago, I went over and over everything until there was nothing left to go over any more. Now it’s time to move on. I recommend a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. When did you last have a proper relaxing holiday?
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Hi
Many thanks for your reply and apologies for the delay replying - I’ve had a bit of a scare since I posted - found a lump in my boob, but I’ve seen the Dr and been to Hospital and am having a Mammogram and Scan on Monday. They think its just a harmless Cyst like I’ve had before, but I was really scared it was an Abscess (also like I’ve had before) or something worse.
I had a Migraine come on really suddenly in the evening of Mother’s Anniversary - I know I had been really stressed about the day approaching - maybe it was a kind of relief that the day was nearly over.
Thank you very much for the advice and also for the link to Cruse.
Pauline
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Hi
Many thanks for your reply and sorry for the delay in replying. I’ve had a bit of a worrying time since I posted - I found a Lump, but I’ve seen the Dr, been to Hospiital and am having a Mammogram and US Scan on Monday - the Hospital thinks its just a harmless Cyst like I’ve had before.
I had a Migraine suddenly come on in the evening of Mothers Anniversary - I know I had been really stressed about the day approaching, so maybe it was a kind of relief that the day was nearly over.
Thank you for Book title, I am going to look into a copy. I did have a ‘mini break’ (3 days) last Summer, but yes, I know I feel like I need a decent holiday - something to plan and look forward to.
Regards
Pauline
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I try to escape twice a year. A cottage after Christmas with my sewing machine for company, and then to Greece somewhere for single travellers only. So much more friendly.
sorry about your Mother, I hope you take comfort from the care you gave her and that you and your sister were with her at her passing.
I can recommend Cruse, they helped me after my Dad died unexpectedly and I realised I needed support to process things. Its better that the tears fall than the grief gets trapped inside of you.
Goodness, not easy to be dealing with health problems at this time too. Sending you cyber support and (((hugs))).
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Good evening, There is a Former carers group on here . the next meeting is in september. it was my brain child as there is not much help, & i feel its important to help each other through. & sign post as well. Remember to look after yourself regards Amandah
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Hi Amandah
Thankyou for your reply.
How do I join the Former Carers group - I seem to be going round in circles trying to find it?
Regards
Pauline
You can find the group here: Care for a Cuppa | Carers UK
The group for former carers is listed on that page, just click on “book here”.
hi Are you a member of carers uk.? The Former carers group is held every other month. the next one is due this month. under share & learn. hope this helps. regards Amanda Harrison
Hello
My apologies I could not Book onto the Former Carers September chat - when is the next one please?
Many thanks.
Pauline
Sorry to hear you were unable to book on the September former carers meet up which happened today.
It looks like the next date hasn’t been put on the website yet.
I have flagged your post to Admin for a response.
Thank you for that. 