Hello - Looking for any advice & tips - keeping it very simple.
My elderly mother-in-law (82) is the carer for her husband (also 82) who suffers from dementia.
She gets some extra help (paid for by them) for carers to come to their house a couple of times a week to help shower her husband and any other chores needed whilst there.
Bottom line is now that the mother in law needs help herself (she is finding things getting too much and that things are just getting on top of her)
Unfortunately we donāt live local to them and help as much as we can remotely & visit whenever possible but itās the sort of daily help that the mother in law needs.
Can anyone offer any advice suggestions or ideas please.
Many thanks in advance
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Hi @Ianjul99, welcome to the forum. You can try the carers advice helpline and they give you more information. It would be for your aunt to contact social services and have them to help out.
Hi @Ianjul99 Welcome to the forum! Glad to see youāve joined and posted - youāll find that there are lots of lovely people here who can share their experiences.
If I may, can I ask a few questions so that we can hear more from you and offer best advice possible?
Your MIL sounds like sheās been looking after her husband for a long time given his dementia and that theyāre over 80yrs of age - YAY them and especially her.
Has he been suffering dementia for a long time, and how advanced is it - could you share how severe the dementia is. Please donāt share if you feel uncomfortable - but understanding his needs is also key to better understand your MILs needs. E.g. Does her husband have behavioural issues, does he need close monitoring or heās able to orient himself within familiar surroundings?
Do they have friends and family closeby?
If sheās been caring for her husband for a long time, Iām thinking that she may have āhelpā organised in terms of how she gets shopping, how she getās a lightbulb fixed or prescriptions picked upā¦
From what youāve written - āthings are starting to get on top of her nowā makes me think she has a system, a routine and pretty good house-routine-adminā¦??
Is she very anxious about things right now, or stoically pragmatic?
When you say things are getting on top of her - did she tell you that? Can you share more details? Is she feeling ill, have health issues herself?
All this to say - definitely do as @Michael_1910123 suggests - orient yourself to local services and whatās available for your MIL BUT also
have gentle open conversations with them, over a planned visit over a few days - is my recommendationā¦
If you can hold space to listen to MILās needs, maybe probe how she āusuallyā gets shopping, help and support IF anything in her local community, or from neighbours etcā¦
Write a list of the plumber/electrician/gas/electricity/shopping/pharmacist etc etc and the ātrustedā people they knowā¦
THEN - you can see if thereās immediate interim additional support you can rally amongst people they already know, asking people for help is not easy for anyone who is older, like them BUT better to see if others they know, can help WHILE you discuss more permanent, bigger changesā¦
The bigger changes social services etc take time, and a lot of discussion and disruptionā¦
SO, if you can plan a small trip to START thie conversation, orient yourselves to their routine, thatād be huge first stepā¦
Just donāt expect to do everything in one conversation, they and you need time, space and curious open heartsā¦
LONG noteā¦hope something there helps
Oh darn - I shouldāve said - Hellooooo Iām Victoria 
I initially helped my Mum care for my dad - he had vascular dementia, bladder cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, Congestive heart failure and a few other issues, incl mobility and general issues with gnarled arthritic hands and feet. He passed in 2020, just after Mum was diagnosed with 2 separate, different cancers. so 16days post his funeral, Mum had surgeries then chemo then radio therapyā¦I say all that fast cos 2020 was a lotā¦Iām still caring for Mum but life is a LOT easier these days (touchwood)ā¦
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Itās really important to look at what the caree NEEDS not what they want. People with advanced dementia will need a team of carers giving round the clock care. The first question I would ask is ācan you go on like this or is it getting too much?ā If they want to keep going, āwhat would help.ā It might be a shower room, a dishwasher, time to go to WI, anything at all, itās what the carer wants that matters. Not what an outsider wants. Accepting the idea of needing residential care is hard and takes time, but sadly as dementia progresses itās the only option left. Not a sign of failure.
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