66 year old Carer

I’m 66 years old retired and have been married to a good husband for 48 years. I care for my 85 year old widowed mother every day. She is totally reliant on me to the point she can’t even make a cup of coffee for herself. I often get tired, depressed and frustrated at the level of care I provide whilst neglecting my husband and missing out on what should be our twilight years together

Hi Joan,

it sounds like your Mother needs a lot of support, no wonder you are exhausted.

Refer her to social services for a Needs Assessment Needs assessment | Carers UK

Do you think she would cope at home with visits from a care worker or has the time come for her to have residential care?


Hello Belady and welcome to the forum.

Please may I suggest you change your username so that it doesn’t include your email address (to protect your privacy) details on how to do this are here


It is time for you to retire. Mum cannot expect you to sacrifice your own life like this. She needs a team of carers in residential care, or her own home. Start by asking Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for her and a Carers Assessment for you.
My husband died before mum went into care. All our dreams gone forever. Don’t let this happen to you.
It should be our Golden Wedding Anniversary next year.

I forgot to ask earlier if you are aware of NHS Continuing Healthcare, that’s FREE care, everything needed, however it’s something of a postcode lottery. Start by looking at the CHC Checklist Assessment.
Is mum living alone?

Hi, I’m new to Forum and also a 66 year old carer for my 94 year old father who lives with us, we converted the house 4 years ago. My sister (who is single) and I share the care of Dad at our home.

My husband has had enough of our care situation and wants to get on with our retirement, our home is not ours, he’s very angry. He’s now returned (part time) to work and lives in our caravan 100 miles away. We’re both so upset to be apart, but husband’s mental health and blood pressure paramount to me, also less stress at home and not walking on eyeshells. He’s received counselling through work which I didn’t think helped at all, just said you shouldn’t be putting up with this.

Dad is no problem and amazing for his age, with no serious health issues, just slow mobility and deafness, increasing forgetfulness and muddling, ie forgot he has a microwave/what’s it for, how to put on TV etc.

My question is my guilt, We are able to get away for breaks but feel guilt constantly I’m pulled all ways and under pressure to be all things to family, husband, and Dad, have just gone through bowel cancer in last couple of years. Anyone else has similar conflicts with partner/elderly parent care?? I should mention husband has been great through lockdown with Dad, just wants us to get on with our lives in the fast lane! Thanks

Dad is no problem???
Yes he is! You are separated from your husband.
When are you going to put your husband, your lives, your marriage before dad?
I was widowed suddenly at 54, husband was 58. Don’t plan for the future. Live and love for today. You might not have a tomorrow!


Im really sorry about the situation youre going through. I dont have advice for your specific circumstance but if you do find that sharing your own experiences and hearing the experiences of similarly situated individuals makes you feel better, Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for unpaid carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. You may find it quite helpful.