Hi everyone, I’m new here and wanted to introduce myself and tell my story so far. I’m just really wanting to share, and get it all off my chest and if anyone can offer any emotional support, then that would be gratefully accepted.
I’m a 48 year old woman, (mostly) happily married, no kids. I have a great job, which is very high pressure but I love what I do. Over the past 5 years or so I’ve been caring for my dad, and it’s getting to the point now that I am completely at my wits’ end. I’m overwhelmed, overburdened and frankly, exhausted with it all. I feel manipulated and taken advantage of and resentful, but I also feel a dreadful sadness and guilt.
Having read some other people’s posts, I do feel quite bad as it’s clear that some of you are carrying a way heavier burden than I am, but I’m just emotionally wrung out from it all. It’s affecting every area of my life, but yet I feel so guilty for feeling like I should put myself first, despite what other people tell me.
I’ve always had a bit of a strange relationship with my dad. There’s no doubt at all that he is incredibly self-centred. He was my grandmother’s golden child and he grew up being admired and told how special he was. He and my mum married when she fell pregnant with me, but it didn’t last long because he just couldn’t adapt to family life. He wasn’t interested in having kids and after I was born he just carried on the same life as he’d had when he was a single man. Once they’d split up he’d have access to me and my sister once a week, but would either take us to the pub so he could meet his mates or leave us with his parents whilst he went off and did other things. I’m sure a phsychologist would have a field day with me, but it ended up where I would do anything to make dad happy, even to the extent of ignoring my own needs, and he was happy to let me do that. Ether that or he was so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t realise the damage it was doing to me.
So I grew up, moved off to University and managed to make a life for myself. I moved back to my home town after getting my degree to be closer to my family and my relationship with dad seemed much better. He was more interested in me as an adult. As long as I agreed with whatever he said, and allowed him to be top dog. He wasn’t that keen on me having opinions of my own. He was working at the time, and playing in a band, which took up pretty much every weekend. He was fiercely independent and living the life that he wanted to live.
Then things started going wrong. About 6 years ago he had a stroke. He retired from work, and at this point he wasn’t playing in the band anymore, but he still was heavily involved with his music. He seemed to recover fairly well, but despite medical advice he continued to smoke and drink heavily. Then he was diagnosed with COPD. Then about 2 years ago he had another stroke, during which he had a nasty fall and spent a long time in rehab. When he came home it was clear that his mobility was going to be affected but that he would get better if he worked with the physios and tried to remain independent. We also finally got him to quit smoking.
But by that time the damage was done. He has become house bound and relies on me to do things that he can’t, or doesn’t want to do. I do believe that there is an element of that to it. He stopped washing, or changing his clothes. He wears Tena pants but sometimes just goes to the toilet in them rather than try and move to the downstairs toilet or commode, and he doesn’t change them for days. When I go round to visit, all I get is a list of jobs that he wants me to do. He has carers who go round once on a morning but he just sends them to the shop for him to get his breakfast. They could do house work for him, or help him to wash, but he doesn’t want them to. He orders me around like some kind of PA. And he gives me the guilt trip if I don’t comply. He asked me recently, more than once, to empty his commode for him. I told him that his carers would be round to do it, and I would rather not, but he responded with “it would make me happy if you would”. I mean WTAF is that all about? Is he getting some kind of satisfaction from getting me to do that for him, even though he has carers who are paid to do it?
Once when I went over to see him he threw a wobbler because I wouldn’t go to the shop to buy him bin bags. He had a few left and I said that I would get some the next time I went over, but he demanded that I went there and then. And I complied to keep the peace. That’s what it’s like all the time. I’m not even scratching the surface here. I feel as though I don’t have a relationship with him as a daughter - I’m just an unpaid skivvy.
He’s been assessed by the mental health team who have said that he has capacity and so he has to be able to make decisions himself. I get that, I really do, but how do I go about protecting myself when I spend my entire life in a state of anxiety that he’s going to call or text me and say that he needs me to go over immediately because he needs something. I don’t have a life anymore. Because of my job and running around after him I’m constantly exhausted. I’m emotionally spent. My husband doesn’t really understand either. Once upon a time they were really friendly but my husband’s view of my dad now is very negative as he’s seen his behaviour over time. He tells me that I’m being manipulated and that I should just tell him to eff off and start sticking up for myself. It’s putting a strain on our relationship. But I look at my dad and I just feel so sad for what he’s become. I’m his only family member locally now and he literally has no one else. And I feel guilty for feeling resentful.
About a month ago dad had a fall and broke his hip. He went into hospital and had an operation to have it pinned. Since then he’s refused to engage with the staff, refused physio, isn’t eating or drinking much and is just being utterly, infuriatingly unreasonable. He says he wants to be out of hospital but when I say that in order to do that he needs to start moving around or eating or whatever he gets belligerent with me. He’s been assessed by the Psychiatry team, who don’t think that he has dementia but is obviously suffering with his mental health. It was a struggle even to get that far as he refused to see them until I offered to be there when they visited. So I thought we were making progress.
Last night, when I went to visit he wanted me to go and get him a coffee. So I had to walk to the nearest coffee shop to get him one as the one in the hospital was closed. I asked him if he wanted something to eat but he said he wasn’t hungry. I told him he needed to eat and he got short with me and said that he had no appetite. I came back from the shop with the coffee and he asked me what I had got him to eat. I reminded him, tactfully, that he’d said that he didn’t want anything to eat. He said that he’d changed his mind and could I go to the supermarket for him to get him a ready meal. I asked the nurses and they said that I could heat it up in the microwave. I just thought that if it meant that he ate something, I’d do whatever. So I drove to the supermarket, bought him some food, came back to the hospital, went to the ward. And he said he was sorry but he didn’t want to eat it now.
Half the time I feel as though I’m going crazy. Is he really manipulating me? Is it just some kind of weird display of control - that he can get me to jump whenever he demands it. Does it make him feel important? Loved? Does he ever think about the impact it has on me?
I have to admit that I’ve been lying to him of late. In order for me to have some time away from his constant demands, I’ve been telling him that on a Wednesday I do a college course. It means that I can’t get over to see him (this was before he was in hospital) and that I can’t answer my phone. I told him when I saw him earlier today that I wasn’t going to be over tonight because of “college” but whilst I was at work I got a voicemail from him saying that I needed to leave work and go and see him straight away because today had been really “freaky”. I know he’s been having some delerium but the hospital are aware and (I hope) are treating this. But I lied. I sent him a message to say that I couldn’t go because I had an exam for my college course. I just couldn’t face it. I just need some time to think about something else. I want just one day be put my own needs first. I know he’s in the best place, and that if there are any issues they can be dealt with in a medical setting, but I can’t get over this feeling that somehow I’m a really s**ty person. I’m really torn.