Brief (not really) introduction

New to Carers Connect
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Thank you so much @Victoria_1806 for your such kind words. I like to think I am a very resilient person. Like @Teddy123 I roll up my sleeves and get on with it. But I’m taking onboard the advice of those who have experienced this before me and trying to stick to my guns.

Another day and another trip to the pharmacy for yet more medication. MIL has now received an additional appointment on Monday with haematology. That means she has 3x appointments at 3x different locations on the 4th March. I’ve encouraged my partner to take the day off work as it would surely fall to me to take her if he doesn’t…

We’re not sure what this appointment is for so MIL’s had a bit of a wobble worrying about that.

She is better-ish this afternoon. She got involved in a virtual AA meeting that she had steadfast refused to participate in, we had to encourage her and set the whole thing up; however another member on the call had a very similar story to her and she could relate, so she started talking, and came away from it very motivated towards change. We’ll see if that lasts…

Ultimately, with the right support in place I think she could improve and start taking more care of herself. She’ll need carers for life but some of the day to day I think she would be capable of doing herself (safely), if only the family can continue to reach for that point.

Incontinence is a common occurrence around here. I’ve taken to regularly talking about poo with MIL. A habit from my nursing but also the incidents have somewhat reduced as she’s taking more notice of when and how she needs to go. What size, shape, colour, and frequency. Helps to head off any unwanted scenarios.

I would strongly encourage anyone to talk about poo. I’d shout it from the rooftops! And to anyone reading that might be interested, Gut by Julia Enders is a fantastic book about how our bowels are our ‘2nd brain’. I would highlight recommend.

Updates to come on where I decide to go for my time off. I’m thinking log cabin with a hot tub, or a mini-city break in Europe somewhere. I’d love to fly to Nice and get the train to Monaco like I did several years ago.

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First an action bit - no idea if you have the contact numbers for these appointments - BUT there’s no harm asking if it can get done in 1 place or 2 - you guys can’t clone yourselves to be in all places at once!
a hospital can do bloods and other checks in 1 go…I say that but we ALL know how logic often has nothing to do with ‘the system’

I’ve heard a lot about AA meetings and addiction from a friend of a friend…1 step forward, 3 back, up sideways, down and for MIL this is all compounded with ill health…so I agree IF she gets the right support she can improve but like you said, it takes a CONCERTED, together effort of her family, not just you - the phrase ‘paradigm shift’ or step-change comes to mind…but again so much easy to say than do, especially with the lack of - or accessibility to - or delay to - ANY resources

Ohhhh I need to tag in @Chris_22081 if we’re going to talk poop!
I used to work in pharmaceuticals, and on a therapy for Irritable bowel syndrome so we talked Bristol Stool Scale 24/7!
Poonami’s and so much more is talked about here :wink:
We may not shout about it but we have lots of poop-talk!

I lived in Antibes for a whole so if you do decide on flying to Nice I can share some tips of where to go…
Or easyjet to Basel Switzerland if you’re looking for a city-trip Or Eurostar to Brussels…
FYI I did 18 relocations across 10 countries over my work to full circle here.

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Erm @Victoria_1806 you tag me in - does that mean you think I am an expert on :poop: or a personal comment??? Or perhaps it’s just cos I live near Bristol and we have discussed the Bristol Poo chart before… You should have seen my Dad’s face when they presented him with a laminated chart and asked him to say which number applied to his deposits… It was a picture - he was SO shocked…

Seriously G has major issues with bladder incontinence so that’s more my line… Still trying out different pads/pants/bed pads and the double size washable ones seem to be holding their own at the moment, but he still pads up every night… However, the quantity of washing has reduced. (Just had our water bill in - we are metered - usage has increased over 15% in this period. Just shows how much more washing we’ve had to do). I need to order some more so I don’t have to keep rotating them quite so quickly. Thanks for the memory jogger.

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Awww I just like having you banter with us in any conversation @Chris_22081 I think I was thinking of you because the conversation on poop started with a mistype by @MBrown

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It’s been hard work but it’s almost like MIL has had a full MOT. Kidneys, Liver, Adrenal glands, Lungs, medications review, all checked! I even managed to sign her up as a new NHS dentist patient (which is like gold dust) and get an Opticians appointment as well! Feeling very proud of myself for managing to get those and MIL attended them with no issues! Well she needs a Glaucoma follow-up and a new bottom set of dentures but no major issues. My partner booked the time off work and took her to them all. They actually spent a day together where they talked and he wasn’t distracted by playing on his phone or taking work calls. I think that did the world of good for his mother’s mental health.

Today is the first day that my partner is at his conference. He left this morning quickly, and as we’ve been discussing, left all the responsibilities to me. He has been trying repeatedly to get his sister involved but she’s avoiding the situation even more than him. I feel backed into a corner. I said I would leave again and go to my parents especially if it all got too much for me, but my partner has prepared MIL for that event by making it seem like it would be her fault!! I mean, in some ways it is her care that is the burden, but it’s not her fault that she needs care! And I don’t think it’s fair to blame her for that or blame my actions on that either. I would not want her to feel like my leaving is solely due to her. It is due to the family not supporting her and leaving it to me. And if I leave, then his sister will have to come and see to her.

In preparation for these next couple of days, I haven’t been sleeping. I’m up every hour, researching things on my phone and writing stuff out, then deleting and re-writing to try and organise my thoughts. MIL has explicitly told me that she has a plan of things she’s going to do and not do. She doesn’t want me to be stressed at all. She knows that this is essentially a test of whether she is able to do things she should be capable of doing (i.e eating appropriately, getting washed and dressed daily etc…) and avoiding doing the things which put her at risk, such as doing too much all at once, trying to walk when unsteady, getting up in the middle of the night etc…

With the weather getting brighter her mood seems to have lifted. I was concerned that she was a bit manic yesterday however she just seems to be happy with all of the positive results we’ve been seeing lately. Most of her scans and results are normal. So it’s highly unlikely there’s something sinister hiding among all of her other ailments. We seem to be on top of the treatment now and low and behold she’s getting healthier.

We’ll see if we can get through the next couple of days without any major hiccups and if we do, that might be a sign that she would be capable of living independently with visiting carers rather than live in.

Sign me up for any poop talk!

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@MBrown - first - BIG HUGS and empathy and I’m just going to remind you that you are amazing, resilient, and got that new promotion, …WHILE you have PTSD and had a recent passing of your aunt…Ummm you’re allowed to be human too

Ok - going to apologise in advance because my time’s got more squished with offline support - seems there’s a spate of tough stories happening around the place…

What’s happening is NOT what you discussed with your partner - yep I bet he scarpered quickly to his conference… (sorry everyone my patience is just over and passed limit, in empathy for @MBrown )
Your partner AND his family AND his mother are all waiting for YOU to do something - STILL abdicating despite your vocal, clear and precise statements of what you need to enable you to keep going…

I hope what you said wasn’t an ultimatium to ‘fish-test’ reaction but a true ultimatium - however, and whatever explanations, rationale, blaming or whatever - it’s all talk no action. No one is taking responsibility and actioning except you! No wonder you feel in a rock and a hard place - they’ve put you there and unless you ‘do something’ you feel guilty…

Yes you got all those appointments done - Bravo - and sorry, but you just proved that ONLY YOU can do this. And the smallest modicum of support from your partner, I’m sure he’ll want pats on the head and bravo affirmations - when actually its a tiny piece of support…I’m sorry but he’s just left for a conference - work which may help pay bills, but in the ‘male version’ of this story, again proves he thinks his conference is more important than supporting the care of his mother by orchestrating care that is NOT you.

Blaming his mother - may be somewhat true but, in my book addiction is a disease and mental health issue - he’s not exactly helping the situation. Plus this can’t be a blackmail-guilting tactic to get MiL to ‘behave’ it’s a false motivation and can worsen behaviour and mental wellbeing. - again in my humble opinion

MiL ‘trying’ to explain and ‘not stress you’ proves there’s some motivation there but having this tied to whether you stay or go, is a guilt-tactic on you… Can I just say again, because I’m seen it several times - when people abdicate responsibility for their own actions due to disease (neurodegenerative disease sufferers have no choice in this), mental health issues or gaslighting, they seem to be under the spell - enthralled, by the actions of others…- I’m NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist, just articulating what I’ve observed

If you weren’t there, if she wasn’t trying, something would force the situation - and your partner may/maynot have gone to the conference.
If MiL has some improved mental capacity to self-motivate ‘for your benefit-to not leave her alone’ then yes perhaps this is a good sign, but not in terms of proving that you need to stay which is what she’s ‘legitimising’ this as.
YOU are the support blanket, crutch and fear of losing you is not a way for YOU to live…

I’m sorry but this is one like vent-empathy because your in a spin cycle.
Something will happen to prevent your 10 days holiday. Why can your partner go to a conference and leave everything to you? Why are you doing all these appointments making magic happen

You’re proving yourself indispensable for what reason?
Dear 28 year old amazing - got a fab promotion- lady, the rock and hard place is only there from one angle - look around there’s a big door to your right…

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@MBrown I do not share this lightly
We each have our own ‘baggage’, dynamics with those we love and every situation is different - please know I share this image with love and empathy. It’s shared with permission, and drawn by David Hayward (aka Naked Pastor)

We each have a choice and context. Reconciling choices, reasons with eyes wide open helps us be ‘free’ in our ‘why we do what we do’ in my humble opinion.

Feel free to totally ignore - garbled and not too articulate perhaps - or resonating?!?

image
image1920×1900 356 KB

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You know there’s a sign you see on aeroplanes saying “Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others”?

It’s an important rule, because if you don’t secure your own mask you’ll die of hypoxia before you finish assisting the kids. But a similar rule applies here.

I know you know about burnout. I had a vaguely similar situation to this about five years ago: someone with severe health conditions moved to this town because a friend lived here, not realising that it’s really difficult to find housing here, nor that if you leave your previous housing voluntarily you go to the back of the list for social housing.

This friend was a mutual friend, and we had a spare room, so we offered to put the person up for a week or so. We didn’t realise that they would stay for months. Nor did we realise just how much care they would need. Since I’m already caring for my partner, I was exhausted.

Meanwhile, the friend could see how much work this was, and was running around half the country trying to find a council which would house the person. None would. Eventually the friend asked the person to sleep on their sofa. My friend’s life was already chaotic, and the stress was too great, and my friend died.

Please don’t wear yourself out. Secure your own oxygen mask first.

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Hi Marn, Welcome back to the forum!

Thank you for sharing this - I’m assuming you were replying to respond to @MBrown
I hear you and agree.

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I was— sorry if I was unclear! And thank you.

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No probs @Marn ! I was just checking :wink:

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@MBrown I so realise we are subjecting you to ‘tough love’ here but I totally agree with the other posters. You just have too much to deal with especially since you have a demanding job. It is SO easy to sleep walk into being a Carer. I cannot really add much to the advice given but totally agree that YOU have to put yourself first even if it means leaving for a period of time.

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I’ve sent an email to Social Care today to express the need and urgency for an assessment and additional support.

I’ve managed to access CBT for myself and I think my GP is going to start me on medication.

What doesn’t help is that my one single outlet, Rugby, has resulted in me tearing my hamstring this weekend!! When it rains, it pours doesn’t it?!

I have to say yet again how grateful and appreciative I am that I can come here and explain my situation and talk with like minded individuals how provide such useful advice.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart

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Hi all,

Just checking in to update.

Social Care called and are coming to make a care needs assessment the first week in April. MIL liked the social worker so that’s a positive, hopefully she will engage. I still haven’t had an acknowledgement of my email 9days ago but hey ho.

FIL has found a well-paying job. It would require a relocation but that is probably a good thing. The plan is for MIL to move back in with him when he is set up, i.e found a place to rent, furnished, and built up some savings. As he has virtually no outgoings it shouldn’t take too long.

Optimistically, I’m thinking 2-3 months, and by then I would expect a package of care to be in place for MIL’s needs. Then it would be the process of transferring that to the Local Authority where FIL is relocating to. In the meantime, SIL will have a spare room as FIL will no longer be living with her. That means my partner and I will be able to pass on some of the care to SIL. We’ve had a big conversation about it and it’s all been agreed!

It’s now 6-months since MIL has been living with us and her health has improved massively. She vapes instead of smokes, she eats 3 regular meals a day, she takes her medication as directed, she gets washed and dressed every day, and she hasn’t drank alcohol since 21st Feb. It does seem like she might be starting with a chest infection so we’re going to keep an eye on that considering her COPD.

Recent events: her pancreatitis pain is persistent, the GP believes it will start to ease and is going to chase up further referrals to Urology and Dermatology although we know the waiting list will be long. My partner had several arguments with her this weekend, I think he’s coming to the end of his patience with her as well. The arguments weren’t even about anything serious, dirty bowls and overexerting herself. I know it comes from a place of love but I still have to step in and be mediator, which is uncomfortable in my own home. It seems like this all comes from MIL insecurities. She does not handle criticism well, then spirals. My partner can be very critical because he carries a lot of childhood trauma. I suggested that he look into therapy or possibly even family therapy because their issues and situation is not normal and is very strange / complicated. On that subject, MIL has her first Therapy appointment next week, the first time she has ever agreed to talk about her mental health issues.

Personally, I’ve been started on Citalopram and I’m also undergoing therapy again for Trauma focused treatment. I’ve made a plan for my time off between jobs and I’m really looking forward to it. My partner is adamant that nothing will stop me from taking some time away and having a break, he’s going to ensure it.

Long story short, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Professional help is in motion and socially there is a plan whereas previously there was no end in sight. We still don’t have a time-frame but at least it’s a start.

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@MBrown Thanks so much for sharing this update! I’m both relieved and happy for you. It’s encouraging to hear MIL is going to therapy and I hear you about those little but difficult arguments they have - playing referee isn’t good.
Altogether these actions are making an overall big change, which we all know is thanks to your efforts. I hope you manage to get some time to yourself, for some much deserved R&R ahead of your new job starting.
Bravo and congrats to you! Keep us posted. Take care. big hugs

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I haven’t commented in a while as I started my new job and have been extremely busy but there’s been quite a lot happen and I’m at the end of my tether.

MIL is still living with us. She had another relapse about 2 weeks ago. With the alcohol there was other medications as well although she maintains it was not an attempt to end her life.

I made the very difficult decision to provide my partner with an ultimatum, me or her. As you can imagine it was an extremely sad time. I had to reach out to my therapist and GP to cope. I spent some time with my family and support network as well. My SSRI dose has now been doubled and I’m being moved onto counselling instead of CBT (that’s a whole separate story).

To cut a long story short. MIL has been provided with a strict set of rules regarding self care, her addictions, and how she is to conduct herself. I allowed her back to ours. We provide the care we always have but now SIL is taking her 3 nights a week. It’s not ideal but it is better than previously and it is giving me and my partner the space to spend quality time together.

My new job is very fast paced so I am being kept busy out of the house so therefore it’s a “ignorance is bliss” kind of situation.

Overall, if another episode happens. Either MIL is gone or I am. My partner and SIL are well aware that is now where the line is drawn. Long term plans are still to have MIL move to Scotland to be with FIL. But in my heart I can tell that this will happen again and my partner will have to make an impossible decision. I can anticipate our relationship ending.

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My heart goes out to you. It is an impossible situation but you are right to have to draw a line somewhere - none of us can care for partners and loved ones if we don’t care for ourselves first. Please continue to look after yourself x

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@MBrown well done you on setting a line in the sand. It sounds like you’ve had some really constructive support - YAY.
See how you feel. If you can already anticipate the relationship ending for your sake, don’t wait until everything is in turmoil/crisis and at its most difficult…they’ll all be waiting for something to solve it which may end up being you…again, …in an acute emergency
Great to hear the new job is going well - be watchful of burnout given the extra responsabilities you told us you have now.
Sending BIG hugs of YOU GO GIRL, you’re doing amazing…we’re all with you team ‘MBrown’
as @AliceUnderground says all this is an impossible situation…totally agree…
IF you can make something possible - (it won’t all be rosy positive!!) - , for your sake I’d get on that now!

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I’m trying my best. My therapist has said I won’t benefit from CBT as my thinking is not disordered. I am making logical and thought-out decisions; it’s just that I’m going through a really difficult time. So for now, she thinks I will benefit from counselling to provide me with support and confidence to stick with how I am handling the situation.

I still get very uncomfortable around MIL and her mood is very up and down. She has not been well this week, my partner has had ‘man flu’ and she’s gotten it as well. Alongside all her many physical health issues, any decongestant sends her loopy. So she’s having to tough it out with plain paracetamol.

She’s been doing a bit of gardening today, assisted, but has overexerted herself. So on top of feeling unwell, she’s very tired. I have no doubt the next few days will be tough

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I won’t go into detail here but I had a similar situation to deal with, only I was in the same position as your husband. I chose wisely, and am still married.

Hopefully your husband will see things the same way.