@bowlingbun That is EXACTLY the sort of conversation so many of us need to have in plenty of time. I knew the sort of funeral my Dad wanted and despite lockdown restrictions I was able to accommodate his requests. The only sad thing was only 30 people allowed to be present whereas very many hundreds would have been there in normal times.
It isn’t morbid to talk about something which is inevitable. My S-i-L refuses to discuss death or funerals but I see it as simply a way of planning like we do for anything from a holiday to moving house - the ultimate Move I suppose. Perhaps I have a strange way of looking at things, but if you look at the TV adverts they are encouraging discussions in advance these days - it can take so much of the stress and upset out of the situation.
I threaten Graham if he goes first I will organise a funeral like they did for his Uncle Jim - typical East End funeral, glass hearse pulled by black horses with white plumes, Dozens of floral tributes with his name over everything, long stemmed red roses presented to all the mourners and a flock of white doves released over the grave… He said if I do that he will come back and haunt me for the rest of my days! NO WAY would I do it… but it’s worth the tease in the meantime…
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I could never get my parents to talk about what they wanted at a funeral. The only thing they insisted on was signing a paper saying if they were unable to care for themselves they wanted to go in a care home. I ended up using that years later for Mum’s best interests decision when she’d lost capacity.
The stress of deciding what music to play, what sort of funeral it will be, religious or humanist, is really rough on those left behind at a time when they need things to be relatively easy. We’ve paid for our funerals in advance and everything’s as sorted as it can be in advance.
It all sounds very smooth: even well-laid plans can go wrong. Mum had a hospital “go” bag, but when the dementia kicked in she’d sometimes find it and think she’d come back from holiday, unpack it and wash her clothes. That caught me out once when she’d had a fall and had to go in to hospital.
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Ah now I didn’t mean to hijack this thread with talk of funerals, especially since the OP may return here to update, or seek further advice.
But your comments have made me remember that for my Mums funeral neither my Brother nor I had any idea of her wishes and had to do what we felt was right. Some of it was hard, especially choosing music. I had the task of picking the ‘end of service’ music and eventually chose Scotland the Brave. It felt right, she was a proud Scot, although it might have raised a couple of eyebrows at the service!
I was surprised to learn that Hubby and me both want the same thing, a direct cremation. Although I’d like my ashes to go in one of those pods that grow a tree, Hubby says we can scatter his anywhere, he’s not bothered.
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@Teddy123 Talking about funerals is all part of the process of planning for the future as that is the one thing none of us can avoid - I used to say “you can evade taxes but can’t avoid death” !! Now I am quite afew years older I wonder if there could possibly be some way…
Seriously, ANY planning for the future is better than none. My Dad made an ‘art form’ out of saying “What if…?” to the extent I once accused him turning it into a fetish! He wanted to plan for EVERY eventuality til I pointed out that if he tried he would need a whole library for the notes he had to make. A simple(ish) plan for the main issues which may arise is fine. I will admit to not having enough of a plan in place though…yet…
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Hello again, it looks like my username has been sorted out. Thanks to whoever did that. On the subject of funerals, we had basic plans with the Co-Op in place but had to cash them in due to financial necessity. My wife would like a ‘proper’ service but i don’t care. If she goes first I’ll get into debt to cover it. If it’s me then i dont know what i can do to ease the burden. I just hope our 3 son’s can take care of my disposal. Any suggestions?
Get your will sorted. Also see about finances too. Good luck.
Looks like the change of username does not persist.
I’ve reported it for you.
Hi Stephen. These days it is possible to make economies on funerals by having “Direct Cremation” (I know there is a company with that name but not promoting them). Many Crematoria provide such a service and it just means that the deceased is taken by the Undertakers direct to them and there is no service etc, so no cost of using a chapel and staffing it etc. I know one family who did that but the drawback was they were told it would happen ‘during the week of…’ and not on a specific day. Not a problem for them because they didn’t attend.
It’s the sort of thing which might be appropriate for you if you say you don’t want any fuss and your sons are OK with that as well. I’ve known that happen and then the relatives and friends can meet up and have a “Wake” at a pub/cafe or wherever and celebrate the person’s life.
Also it’s possible to book an ‘early or late appointment’ at many crematoria. This is sometimes 9am or 4pm which is not a ‘popular’ time with many people. I also know of one in Bristol which has an 8am appointment which is often taken by the Council for those who have no relatives and the Council has to take responsibility for arrangements. It’s a way of reducing the costs quite dramatically. I noticed the place my brother’s funeral is at is around £400 cheaper for a 9am booking than 10am ! To many families that can be an amazing help. I don’t want to cause offence to anyone, but it’s like going to a restaurant at quite times of the day and finding an ‘early bird discount’.
It’s worth being honest with an Undertaker and asking what is available. Don’t accept what they tell you is a ‘standard package’ as that often includes things which are not essential, but where they can make some extra profit! They are, after all, a business!
I hope these thoughts help.
Thank you some things to think about there.
I have wondered if the local council could arrange it all cheaper if no one else was doing it.
I think you will find that the Council only steps in as a last resort when no family members can be located or refuse to deal and the person has absolutely no assets. Excuse the phrasing of this but these funerals used to be referred to as “Pauper’s Funerals” from days when that situation was common. Not so widespread now. A few years ago I read an article written by someone from a Council who dealt with trying to trace family and finally arranging such a funeral. He said that he would attend and would usually be the only person present other than the Undertaker. He said he did it as he did not want someone to just ‘have no-one’ at the end. Seemed like the right person for that job!
It’s really difficult when the time comes, but I would recommend explaining the financial situation to an undertaker when the time comes as I am sure they will help try to find a solution. Also remember that you can always approach several firms to see what reaction you get from them, rather than relying on just one to be the cheapest.
She is 67 and has Spinocerebellar ataxia type 6 (SCA6) which was inherited from her mother, who lived into her 70’s and died of an unrelated condition. The condition is not ‘terminal’ but there is no cure, it’s progressive and disabling. I believe I can cope on my own but worry if I were to go first.