Thank You.

Only my first ever visit to a Forum, and there was me thinking it was just for adolescents sat in their PJ’s in the basement of their red neck grandparents house…

I am a retired Key Worker (55 and living in Leafy Surrey), I am currently a joint carer for my mother-in-law, who moved in with myself and my lovely wife 6 years ago (that was a very long 6 days).

She is a sprightly 80 years and is a joy to be with.

Not so much of a joy is my Father (a grumpy 85-year-old ex-serviceman).

Up to 18months ago I shared his care with my other two brothers (Bromley, Plymouth). This arrangement was going wonderfully when we all had Mr Grumpy for a month in rotation. Unfortunately, the two older brothers (I’m the youngest at 55) never saw eye to eye and a massive row exploded. In a nutshell, the middle brother (Plymouth) was complaining that Mr G was coming down to them, from Bromley, neglected, and it was taking his family a week just to get Mr G to begin talking and behaving responsibly, after Plymouths month, I would travel down and bring him back to Surrey, by that time he was always in excellent Grumpy Old man form. And a pleasure to have him with us (a very strong-willed and demanding pleasure, but a pleasure none the less – after all it was one month in three)

The disagreement gathered momentum, and the older brother (Bromley) broke all contact with us two (Surrey & Plymouth) and refused to allow us access to Mr G. (it really is even odder than it sounds). I have only been “allowed” to see my dad 3 times in the last 18 months, although I do talk to him on the phone every day. And out of those 3 times, we have only had him to stay for 3 days – the change in him was profound, surly, uncommunicative, unhygienic, malnutritioned, physically unable to walk (he always needed a stick since he had a nasty injury in the navy) but now he needed a zimmer frame, mostly as his toes had completely curled under from lack of movement. Always an extremely generous man, to a fault, he no longer had access to his own money or cared. All he cared about was alcohol. (Plymouth would wean him off his 2 -3 bottles of full-strength wine a day and both Plymouth and myself (Surrey) would secretly give him 1-2 bottles of zero – 3% wine, my father has no longer any sense of taste or smell from all his years of alcoholism. Bromleys family are all very heavy drinkers and encourage our father’s alcohol dependency.)

Myself and my Plymouth brother and still both carers (for other family members) but we would very much love to also have our Father back with us.

This is VERY worrying. Ring Social Services and talk about Deprivation of Liberty. Dad should be able to go where HE wants and see who he wants. Shuffling parents between children can only work when they are fairly fit and able to cope with change. Try to work out what you would like to happen now.

Hello and welcome!

This is all quite concerning. Has he had a needs assessment or not? Also from what you have written, it sounds like he needs a lot of professional help to detox his system from wine completely. Call social services in the morning and discuss deprivation of liberty as well. See if you can hide all of the bottles of wine in the attic or in a cupboard and try to get him to help himself. Does he have any hobbies? Can he work? If he does not have any hobbies or isn’t employed, see if you can get him into a alcohol detox program in rehab instead. That might help. Best wishes!

I’m reading that Anthony’s father isn’t actually with him, with the family that appear to encourage drinking, If that is correct, it won’t be possible to get a detox program sorted or pour alcohol away.
Anthony, I haven’t any answers, except to agree with Bowlingbuns advice. Am sorry you have this dreadful anxiety, especially at such a difficult time in the country.

Thank you, for the last 18 months we have been trying to get the social services (Bromley Safeguarding Anthony Mahon) Bromley Police (Di Melanie Lillywhite and DC Mick Shrivell and his BP (Dr Kumar Pickhurst surgery) to take his containment and them controlling him via alcohol seriously, and despite them having to break into see him 3 times, they consider that he is fine. Myself and my other brother finally discovered that Stephen had got an LPA just after he sold my father’s home, and took control of everything. This seems like the reason that noone would help my father, (this is despite my father having his faculties (until he drinks of course) the alcohol also interferes with his depression medication, and noone told us this LPA was in place. And I am unable to complain about the complete lack of action by the police as I am an ex police officer (and still a volunteer - IPCC ludicrous rules). It’s so scary that in this country and in this age, such ignorance and apathy can be rife in the safeguarding authorities. Has any other carers had their hands tied by such actions?
All help would be much appreciated