Struggling with the arguments

All about caring
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I care for my best friend. She has a chronic pain condition, fibromyalgia and extreme vertigo and as a result struggles to do very much. She can’t even watch TV at the moment and is feeling increasingly isolated and frustrated.

We live together and I do all the household stuff - cooking, cleaning etc, she used to be able to help a tiny bit by maybe chopping some vegetables or wiping down a surface but now she can’t look up or down without getting dizzy so I do it all. She used to be self-employed and now can’t work but is hopeful the vertigo will improve at some point, so I’m trying to keep her business ticking over too - answering emails, doing tiny jobs with her direction, that sort of thing.

I can handle the practical stuff and I do it without complaining because I figure I’d be doing it for myself anyway, but the emotional side of our friendship is a constant struggle.

I also work full-time, it’s quite a demanding job at times and that means I get tired. Most days I am her only link to the outside world (even phone calls make her unwell) and she gets angry with me for being tired or grumpy. We argue a lot, mostly because she feels like she is unsupported and although I apologise to try and smooth things out, I often don’t think she is being fair. To make matters worse she has a nasty temper, and it can take a day for her calm down and in that time she will attack me, patronise me, gaslight me, and keep provoking, I try to be calm but I do get upset and I end up also losing my temper - at which point I become the ‘bad guy’ because my life is easier than hers so why would I ever lose my temper.

And then just to make it even tougher, we’re both peri-menopausal and that means we are both all over the place emotionally, I’m finding it hard.

We’re both struggling and I’m aware that every argument causes her more pain. I don’t want to be responsible for making her feel worse but I don’t know how to stop it happening. I think I’m doing my best - I prioritise her completely, I don’t go out because I feel bad leaving her home alone, I sneak out of work early to get back early, I feel like I listen and offer advice all day long - she doesn’t agree abs regularly tells me how hard I am to live with and I’m a bad friend. Her need for support can be extremely gruelling though, she will go over the same problem again and again and again and it feels to me like the moment I don’t offer full focus, she will lose her temper.

I would like to move out but she doesn’t have anyone else to help and can’t afford to survive on her own. I feel trapped. Which I could just about deal with if it didn’t come with so much upset and pain. This has been the situation for 4 years and it’s not how I thought my life would be.

My mental health is not good and I’m having some counselling, but I guess I just wanted to share. I read lots of other posts too and I can see so many other carers are struggling too. It’s not how life should be! Sometimes after driving to work crying because of a vicious argument, and then having to pretend all is okay, I feel like an abused partner!

thanks for reading

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You ARE an abused partner!
What support other than you is she having?
You are not responsible for her illness and should not be punished for a crime you didn’t commit. Home should be a place where you can feel safe and relax, yours sounds like hell. When did she last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment?
I would ask for counselling to be funded looking at your relationship, whether to stay or go.

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@Issy_2204 you seem to be going through hell and getting nowhere. It is hard but you must put your needs first and it seems you have done all you can. You are too young to have the prospect of caring for your friend forever, which is a possibility.
As @bowlingbun has said she needs to be assessed for her needs and, if you stay, you as a carer. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to protect yourself.
Think of your needs and try to put them first

Hugs

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Forever is a very long time.

We are all responsible for our own happiness.
Think about the dreams you had for your own life, before this all started.
How many are achievable if you stay?

Then think about looking back on your life at 40, 50, 60, 70?
Inevitably there will be sadness, none of us are immune from that.
There should also be joy, happiness, fun and laughter.

I was widowed when I was just 54, nearly 20 years ago, but I look back on my life and smile. We were a mad crazy couple in many ways, even shipping steam engines from Australia to the UK - then Australian Government then introduced a law banning the export of their heritage because of us!
I was unexpectedly given a motorbike and told it was “time you learned to ride” - the first time on the road, ever, I was stopped by the cops for speeding. For years we were the happiest couple in the world, as long as we were together we could face anything, and we did.

How would you feel looking back on your past, in years to come?

The other important thing you need to take on board is that nothing will change unless YOU force change.
Your “friend” may be miserable but sounds very manipulative, she doesn’t want any change whilst she has effectively enslaved you.
Her happiness is up to her. Don’t let her ruin yours.

(Sadly when I look back on my relationship with some other family members I realise that I was horribly used so they could have all the fun when I was doing all the caring!)