Hiya struggling with the Sister In Law this has been going on for 4 years now, I am 52 have lived back at home with my mum for approx 14 years now myself and my mum had private conversations she begged me not to put her into care, and she also had said that she wanted to leave me her house in the will as I have 2 older brothers who are married with children and are all settled. My mum is my best friend and I have always spent a lot of time with her, I am following my mums wishes to care for mum at home which she has 1 to 1 care daily, I work full time but work from home and have carers in daily to support me. My mum is now 85 she has sever alzheimers however she has not changed now for about 3 years in her mental capacity and has recently put on 1 1/2 stone in weight which the doctors are thrilled about. But my mental health is starting to struggle my family do not support my decisions to care for mum at home this has been going on for 4 years, they have all disowned me and the only family member that visits my mum is 1 hr a week if she can be bothered is my sister in law, mum recently went into respite and now her hateful text messages have started again, social services has spoken too her and advised that are no concerns at home but she seems to think she can have an opinion on how my mum should be looked after, no credit to me as to how healthy and well looked after my mum, she is toxic and does not see it herself, I have spoken to a solicitor who advised that they are happy to write her a letter advising that her behaviour towards me is classed as harrassment, which I may pursue if this continues. She does not have a relationship with her own parents as she fell out with them, they say some horrible things to me but I have no evidence to put them back in their box, as my mum and myself had lots of conversations that she did not want them to know about, I also have power of attorney which they also do not like, they said they would contest that but never did, I have reached out for help to Social Services and the Mental Health Team but nobody seems to know how to protect me from all this, has anyone else experienced this and what did they do? My mums side of the family and all her friends support me fully, just my sister in law seems to want to cause me upset which is getting me down?
Get the solicitor to write the letter. I have always said that the only people who have a right to say anything are those who are actually providing the care. Those who don’t or won’t have no right to criticise those who do. Is your brother aware of what she is doing? My brothers did nothing for mum, too busy. One demanded his share of her money with indecent haste, after she died, then sent a solicitors letter to me demanding more. Mum had changed her will, so fed up with them. Are you getting enough support for mum? Claiming Attendance Allowance? Claiming exemption from Council Tax due to severe mental impairment?
Thank you, nice to speak with someone who understands the situation, everyone around me says exactly that you is a Sister in Law its non of her business, yes my brother and neices all feel the same about me, always down to money why should you expect anything in life, if you dont support someone in life, when they are well and when they are ill, my mum if she knew bless her would disown them for their behaviour towards me, she would be ashamed of her son. I never thought my family would be have behaved like this and I now always say to others, dont trust anyone when it comes to money. I do get daily support for care and they are lovely yes we get attendance allowance and we do not pay any council tax. Other peoples actions can cause huge damage to someones mental health and this time it is getting me down quite considerably this time round, 4 years of arguing is draining. How did you situation pan out in the end ?
Mum went into residential care for the last year of her life. You mention money, if your mum has over £23,000 did you know it’s OK for her to pay you? Have a look at the Office of Public Guardian for details. If you don’t do this it may that the lazy ones benefit from your sacrifice. Has mum made a will? Do you know what it says?
Just a thought, when did you last take a proper holiday, leaving brother to care for mum?!
She has less then £23,000. I was with mum when she made her will and she was not ill at the time, same time I did the power of attorney she was in clear mind, but family have said that I forced in her hand and the decisions that she made, if they really new my mum she was a very strong willed stubborn women, nothing I would have said would have made any difference to her decisions. Yes she was in respite a few weeks ago, thats when the family raised their ugly head again, advising that I was messing her around and should not put her in respite, and that she should be in care full time, seriously even if she was I would be the only one that visited, apart from the SIL noone visits here!! I would not leave her with their family she does not know them anymore, my brother lives down the road and has not visited in over 4 years now, they would not know what to do lol
They really are awful. My brothers families were the same. My eldest son said after mum died that he disowned the lot of them, we don’t have to be nice to them for mum’s sake any more. I know that he has a speech ready prepared for my younger brother if he ever sees it again. Could you take a break when mum is in respite next? It’s vital for your well being.
Your post is almost carbon copy of my SIL and brother who made my life hell a couple of years ago. They did everything they could to get me in trouble like reporting me to social services, to the Office of the Public Guardian, to a care home, then to the Directors. Of course they got nowhere as I had done nothing wrong.
When Mum passed away they put a caveat on theProbate application which caused enormous stress and took two years to sort out.
They did not ever help Mum and did not visit her for 4 years before she died. Not even a card!
I really do sympathise. Xx
Dear Bexie
I am Kristie i am an online community host for Carers UK. Hello. Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment, are you getting any extra outside support? I know it might not feel the same but the forum has a number of carers from all walks of life who understand what your going through and are happy to support you and share their experience.
Best wishes
Kristie