Should my bf decide between me or his caring role?

I have recently been dating someone who is 30 and ‘cares’ for his Nan and Grandad. His friend tells me that by ‘cares’ that is just keeping an eye on them incase they fall. He lost his mum recently. I am in my mid 30s and really like this guy, however I had to give up being a carer to have a life.

Should I be giving him an ultimatum to either be with me or a carer to his nan and grandad? Is there any help he could have to free up his time to be with me? After all he could be missing out on a future with me for his family.

Am I mean giving him this decision or well within my rights not to be messed around. I don’t want to spend 5 or 10 years waiting for this guy while he cares for his family to then find I cannot have children myself. I have a ticking timebomb if we want a family of our own

Rachel - it’s a tricky situation! So much depends in the end on how long his grandparents will live.

How does your BF actually spend his days? Is he at his g/parents house each and every day, all day? Does he sleep there? How much ‘care’ do they need firstly ‘now’ and secondly’ in the future’…how old are they, how infirm, etc etc etc. do they own the house they live in (because if they do, and they have to go into residential care at some point, the house has to be sold to pay for that care).

Do bear in mind that if your BF has only just lost his mum, both he AND his grandparents (maternal??) will be grieving, and will need each other to comfort each other. don’t expect him to ‘walk out’ any time soon - that would not be fair at all. it can easily take a year to ‘come to terms’ with the loss of a parent.

All that said, it could be that he feels ‘guilty’ over both his mum and grandparents. It’s very easy for children to be consumed by guilt if they ‘walk away’ from those who raised them.

The thing is, I know you would ideally like your BF ‘all to yourself’…but people come with families, and the fact that your BF is someone who feels a deep sense of responsibility is obviously a GOOD sign about his character!

I understand how you don’t want to wait ‘indefinitely’, and yes, the old wretched biological clock is ticking away.

What practical alternatives are there? If your BF is spending every day with his g/parents, what is he earning a living at by the way??? If you want to settle down and have children with him he needs to be bringing in a decent wage for starters!!!

Rachel, your post is not making much sense to me. Surely if you know this guy well enough to be planning a family with him, you know how much he does for his grandparents. How come his friend is having to tell you? Is your main complaint that he doesn’t spend enough time with you? Have you discussed this with him? If you want a family together surely having a sense of family responsibility is a good thing and something you should be sharing at this early stage?

I think maybe it’s a missmatch of thoughts and circumstances, he told me he loved me (we have only met a few times and only on Thursdays when he does his voluntary work) but as I am writing this I realise he won’t leave his family for me so maybe it’s time I accepted it and moved on. I guess I am expecting a miracle like I a had where someone tells him to live his life and not be a carer. I have said he needs to spend more time with me, once a week isn’t enough but I think maybe I will call time on this relationship as I don’t want to be messed around with.

To be honest, Rachel, it doesn’t sound from what you say that you are right for each other…

If you have yourself only recently ‘escaped’ from caring I can see why you wouldn’t want to get re-involved with having to care for anyone, but I can also see that your BF has obligations to his family he is not ready to give up on. Moreover, having only just lost his own mum, he isn’t really going to be in any state to think of starting a new relationship - he is still grieving, and that is right and proper. He ‘shouldn’t’ start a relationship in his state I think.

And maybe I’m just speaking as a middle aged woman, but no one who has only met someone a few times has any business talking about ‘love’! Good heavens, you need MONTHS together in each other’s lives before you can start knowing whether what you feel is really ‘love’.

Better really, as you yourself say, to find someone who doesn’t come with the ‘baggage’ (ie, relatives who need care at all) that you yourself have only just ‘escaped’.

I wish you (both) well, but I think you have different priorities, and that can’t bring two people together alas…

jenny lucas, thanks for your reply, I think you had confirmed what I had thought as I was writing this post. I guess the christian side of me wanted to help him a bit and I was finally glad to meet a guy not wanting me to send him naked pictures but I guess that could be the real reason why he is still single.

Why not keep in touch and be friends, then either it will fizzle out or grow stronger. For goodness sake don’t just use him as a sperm donor just because your biological clock is ticking. I know someone who did just that, and ended up with a child with Down’s Syndrome.

That pretty much sums up my thoughts on this bolwingbun.
Making ultimatums like that for personal reasons is a bit one sided.
He will have his own feelings on many relationship issues and not just about being a carer for his grandparents.
He might not want children?

When his grandparents have passed away, I hope he manages to “fly” and achieve some of his own goals and dreams which will have been put to one side in his caring years.

Tying him down with kids before he wants them is a recipe for disaster, not just for him, but you, and most of all the children themselves. In this day and age, every child should be planned, loved and wanted, with a stable home and two happy parents.