Screwed up system leaving carer to carry on the fight

Hi ALL, IT has been a while since I was last on asking for help and advice for my family. well things have slowly improved but not much.

Mum is still the same not completely well and I am going to have it out with the mental health team again as I have had ENOUGH of going through HELL AND BACK with no ANSWERS. Being left in situation where I should not be in.

With Dad it been a mixed bag, the main worry about trouble in his neck has improved so as long there is not problems he can have the other ops he is waiting for hopefully.
During 2020 he had broken his left hip and a plate put in to repair it than a new one. well the last 2 weeks it has played up for no reason that could be found. That was after speaking to 6 nurses on ambulance control to get a ambulance sent to him because I could not get him back to the car as we both thought he had broken it. he had spoken to the GPS a week before about slowing up and coming to a complete stop, thought he had done something to his hip so this was before calling 999, that I would take him up to A&E for them to have a look at him. But the place was swamp with ambulances, been like this since new years. So was told to take him to a minors unit for them to have a look but the downside, there is no doctors there but was told with no exam to go home speak to GPS and NOT to try and find further help from a emergency department for dad hip as they thought we were only there for pain killers.

He was only in for the day at the hospital oaps unit but during that time I had trouble with mum which her social worker had put down to the shock of dad being in hospital but she is wrong as it had been building for weeks with mum. when they told me that dad was on his way home, I did try and get it stopped as mum was kicking off and I deemed the situation to dangerous for him to come home but they still sent him home!

The community assessment team have visited dad and have told him what he need via social services.
there are 2 option either he goes into respite care or home visits and try to do physio and other things like changing and washing etc. One thing they have drawn on is the state of the house again which is being sorted daily but also when you are only given 40 min warning that dad was on his way home that things do look worst than it is at the moment because things were moved maybe not tidy but at least there is some room for him to get to the bathroom which he can’t as he is having trouble moving so doing it via nappy’s and chair.

the SS AND PHYSIO are trying to push for dad to go into respite care to give me a break but also to get the place sorted, would work in the real world but not in this one as nothing been though of for mum.

We don’t know what care package is being given or sorted as we are yet to be told.
what we have been told unless things are tidy or moved no one is coming in to help dad! Which I have I have argue that I am one person doing the job of several people and trying to look after 2 people.
I am sorting out the area’s that are needed to be done and spending every waking min doing the job cleaning which is knackering for any person on their own let alone being woken early hours to clean up another mess and not getting much sleep afterwards… I did have someone helping me with the tidying but has got covid at present.even then it only 1 hour a week.

If dad did go in respite care, then something will have to be done about mum as the moment apart from the troubles for her illness of mental health she is also trying to copy dad in illness which I know is part of the mental health but I know that she has not been right since the 3rd of jan when she went in her self into hospital with a TIA but they put it down to her asthma playing up more. though I have seen signs that she has had a stroke injures.

my self I do have health problems but like many of us carers try and not think about it as we have enough to worry about. I do have some help from the carers who I am hoping to sort things out for me.


You sound utterly exhausted.
No one seems to see you as a person in your own right entitled to time off to look after your own physical and mental health, you’ve been doing too much for others for too long.

It’s time to make a stand.

It’s time for you to go away for at least a week, ideally two, if you look at Last Minute Cottages, there are lots of really cheap deals at the moment. I often take a post Christmas break, staying in a cottage means I can do whatever I want, when I want, with no one to disturb me. Some places are under £200 at the moment.
I’m sure you will enjoy not being on call, somewhere tidy where you can genuinely relax not look at endless jobs.

I’m going to Chichester soon, only an hour’s drive from home, I’ll walk a bit, sew a bit (I always take my machine with me) and generally chill).

Leave Social Services to deal with your parents.
Write and tell them that from a certain date, you will “not be available to care for them”.
If carers won’t come in due to the state of the house, then both parents need to go into residential care, I would suggest ideally for 2 months.
During this time, mum’s needs can be reviewed, because from what you have written, no one really appreciates just how much you are having to do.

If your parents are making the house untidy, then they should be paying for people to tidy it up, not treating you like a slave. That’s what their Attendance Allowance is for!

Feel free to disagree with me, but I’m worried about your own mental and physical health.

Thanks, I have come close to it. the last time I did that I was only at the model railway club for a few hours, mum had phone the police to said I had stolen the car which did not go down well with me , having to sort things out. it’s a mobility car and I am the only named driver. but that was in the past. My main contact at the carers center is having a go and sort out social services for me,and to take the pressure off me a bit. as for cleaning it is getting done,we are not getting people in to help at present as we have been quote some silly prices. I was in luck that a cousin called in to help and get the washing down to the laundry which was one less job. I have got the shopping away. just a few things left to do.