Resentful, sick & tired of caring for others

Pig sick of it: It may be unfashionable, unpopular or offend others but I am pig sick of being the one who is the Carer, & the one to prop others up. Today I am totally fed up. I do appreciate the very positive messages of being a care giver and doing the best by others
I am no martyr and I do balance my own needs and others, but in the absence of any one else either sensible or present I have been lumbered with a 40 year history of picking up after others- mainly my family and then , sadly my partner. - today that stinks.

The catalogue of caring: edited highlights: Mother suicide attempts when I was 17, brother suicide attempts ( ongoing and not successful - ) , father dementia and nasty demise2012-2016, brother with paranoid schizophrenia (a forever git|) who I am now legal relative and he is frequently sectioned and in hospital. Partner got cancer and was ill for 3 years then died 2020. Sad and tiring.
Now at 58 I am left bereaved, with mother with dementia. 2 brothers who are a burden, no extended family, no children. No **** back up from anywhere. Rather tragic sounding but I have no one sensible as next of kin, will rely on solicitors and friends in my will. Totally fed up and especially missing my partners.

I do carve out my own life, i am outgoing and bought myself a big motorbike as a distraction and am putting as much in place as possible for my mother and brother.
I do know the services and am fed up with friends who know very little giving advice - but today I have just had enough of being the only one who is there to prop up others. I have friends who are solid to support me but they all have their own lives. I am not their priority.

Right now, I will raise a sarcastic glass to the propped up people and hope that tomorrow I will have re-found my usual generous self. Today, I am wrung dry, resentful and fully fed up.
I head to my second knee replacement and rehab in sept and the propped up people will still need propping up and I will make sure it happens somehow. Go them.

So its off my chest for today - I chose to be angry rather than self pitying - and feel a bit better for it. Caring stinks sometimes.

I could have written something similar myself a few years ago!

After supporting and caring for all four of our parents, I had cancer, husband died, then I had a car accident that nearly killed me. Holiday going round the Barrier Reef replaced with surgery!
You now have the perfect get out clause. Your knee replacement.
I used mine to change some things for the good. Do you live with mum, or have your own place to escape to?

HI, thanks for reading. Yes I live 40 mins away from my mother and do have my own house. Feels empty now my partner died. I wouldn’t last very long living with my mother and I am clear that when things get too bad, I will not move in. I will try keeping her propped up at home with support as long as I can. Brothers are ongoing rollercoaster of danger, mental health services, chaos, police etc. Being their contact I get the calls but step back as much as I can. I think sometimes it is the loneliness of caring and not having anyone else to share it with that gets to me. I do what I can, and draw a line where I can.
I have learnt to seek help from friends when housebound with knee and will do so again. Trying to retain a good humour, some energy and good spirit is stretched by the health needs of others who just keep on taking, demanding, needing.
I generally avoid any carers support, as I resent the additional time this takes thinking about them. So this outlet is a pressure valve now and again. Here’s hoping for a better day.

Just tell everyone you will not be insured to drive after the operation until the consultant gives you official approval to do so. This is absolutely true. So you WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE TO CARE for the forseeable future.
You are going to be your worst enemy sticking to this to start with, but why should you be the family “sacrificial lamb” left with all the jobs no one else wants to do.
Time to turn over a new leaf. .

I have it comparatively easy but still want to vent sometimes. It’s the not having my own life anymore, the being able to nip to my house around the corner for an hour but always feeling the pull back to the helpless person I care for, so unable to really enjoy the tiny, teasing bit of false freedom. And I have to say everything three times, say it, say it louder, shout it, get told off for shouting, say it really loud while trying not to shout…

I do agree about the carers - as lovely as many of them are, they didn’t get mum properly clean, and I always had to have everything ready for them as I didn’t really want them to have to root through the house. I’ll have to get respite care in at some point, I know.

I don’t get a lie-in, can’t have a duvet day, do anything on the spur of the moment, get drunk, or be crabby and cranky all day when I feel like it. I didn’t realise just how much it grinds you down to not have evenings and weekends off. I just want to cry all the time today and have to be cheerful and positive instead.

All I can say is you have so much more on your plate but I totally sympathise and it’s good to have a place to come and say it sucks.

Dear NellieJ
Welcome to the Forum! Hi it must be so difficult and such a struggle for you to have to care for your family members and I am glad you have found Carers UK as I hope you will find the advice the carers are giving you to be beneficial and helpful and even just being able to get your problems off your mind will be a help for you I am sure.
You are not alone in your caring role i am sure that many on here will be able to understand you and know exactly how you feel and like i mentioned before able to offer you support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc that is if you can attend social groups.
With Carers UK we are running online weekly meet-ups which you can join and you might find helpful and you can find the information on how to register at:- Care For A Cuppa-Online meetups | Carers UK. There is another online weekly meet-up which might be more beneficial to you because you can share things on this one and it is:- Share and Learn:- Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our Telephone Number for you to ring if you get really stressed out and i think it would be helpful if you did give the Number a ring is 0808 808 7777. It is open Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. There is also an Email Address which is:-( This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Role As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
I hope you find the Forum helpful for you and I would consider giving the Carers UK Telephone Number a ring to see if they can offer you any help. There must be services that can give you more help. Think about giving the Number a ring.
Best Wishes

Hi jean_1603 and NellieJ

I do feel for you. Just a thought regarding the shouting. My mum was very deaf but accused me of mumbling, or said plaintively “I must be going deaf” while refusing to wear her hearing aid. Then I met someone at a talk on caring who had hearing difficulties. He explained that it’s higher pitched sounds we lose first (think bats). After that I was quite successful just by lowering my voice as much as possible. Worth a try?

Always happy for anything that might help but with mum she can actually (surprisingly) hear birdsong, but not most voices - I think it might be worth having a private hearing test, but obviously that had to wait for Covid to be over as mum hasn’t been vaccinated due to recurring infections. The audiologist came out to service the NHS hearing aids and turn them up but it made very little difference.