Partner with BPD

Hi, am new to this and it’s my first venture into seeking support for myself as a carer. My girlfriend has BPD and whilst there are so many wonderful things about her I am struggling with her inability to understand that I have needs in a relationship. (We are both 40 and I’ve known her for 20years) She keeps telling me I have a romantic notion of a relationship and she never asks me to meet her needs.
She’s right she doesn’t ask but I am available to her 24/7, support her through therapy, can talk her down when she wants to self harm and she tells me she feels truly loved and totally accepted for the first time ever. She is not able to see that because I do this without her needing to ask does not mean I should not ask or expect her to meet my needs. Whenever I say how I feel she is defensive and states that she cant be gentle and caring and that I have a choice to leave her, yet on another day she is supportive and caring so is capable of it. Is it totally impossible for someone with BPD to hear their partner and respond accordingly rather than getting defensive! I am struggling with having to be Okay at all times, reliable, dependable, consistent, understanding and forever taking into account her MH issues when I need her she cant deal and then blames me for being needy. If anyone has any thoughts/advice it would be welcomed.

When you say you have “needs” in a relationship, are you saying she doesn’t want sex, when you do?
It’s OK to say this, I’m sure the vast majority of us have had a full relationship at some time.

If it’s not sex, then can you give us an example of when you need her and she can’t help?
It really does sound a very one sided relationship. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?