I am hoping to just be able to vent/speak to someone about things. I have found recently my support system is diminishing, not because of my relationship, because of work/personal difficulties and them struggling with their own demons.
My partner has BPD, he had support during his childhood, but still ended up on drugs (his adoptive parents were abusive) and in psychiatric wards. Now he is in full time employment, doing something he absolutely loves and has successfully given up all drugs.
Our relationship has been a roller-coaster, as to be expected. And of course the bad includes him distancing himself, devaluing me, dismissing my feelings and cheating (in the form of inappropriately messaging others). The worst is when his psychotic like symptoms worsen, when he is fully relapsing, and he just accuses me of cheating, spreading lies about him and talking about him badly - none of which are true. He also thinks the world is out to kill him, his phones being tapped etc so it is never just directed at me.
A few months ago I walked away from the relationship because he had relapsed. My wellbeing had to come first. He did get himself support, and a referral for DBT has been made at last (nhs has really let him down over the years) - we rekindled our relationship, it was positive and he was talking about our future again, and him wanting to be a better person and partner.
But I feel him slipping again, I can also see he is trying his hardest to not. He’s still trying to be affectionate and caring, and when he starts feeling angry or frustrated he leaves the room. But he still struggles with the belief that people hate him, are out to hurt him (voices in his head) and I can tell he’s starting to relapse because he accused me of muttering horrible things about him (not true). He is also struggling with the desire to be impulsive and go out and do drugs/drink heavily with any one but me. The recklessness is always a sign of a possible setback in his mental health.
The hardest part for me is that he doesn’t talk to me, he bottles it up. Like I can see he’s upset, so I ask, he tells me “I’m tired” but I that isn’t true and it’s frustrating. I find myself getting annoyed and start getting cold which he probably reads as me getting angry at him and wanting to leave the relationship. It’s just such poor communication!
In fact, I’m actually predicting the outcome of our relationship on a daily basis and getting frustrated by something that isn’t even happening. It’s putting a lot of pressure on him as well, I think I’ve read too much and too many horror stories - and dreading the idea of him relapsing because he always pushes me away when I just want to support him.
I just wanted a space to vent and maybe get some advice on how to handle stuff like when he is low, what’s the better way to respond.
He’s not a bad guy, he’s made mistakes and he is actually trying. He’s always apologised for his hurtful behaviour and in the past when he’s asked me to leave its been because he wanted to protect me from him. He’s got a big, broken, heart. And if I’m honest I’m struggling with my own personal stuff (I lost a baby) that is probably why I’m feeling so low at the moment and placing that pressure on him.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.