Apologies, this is quite a long story, but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I guess everything started 2 years ago, when my partner’s Mum passed away. It was a very traumatic time. But we did just crack on, until the 1st anniversary of passing, when my partner had his first episode where he couldn’t get out of bed and go to work. I could see cracks starting to show, but he’s the kind of person who thinks he needs to carry everyone, neglecting himself. Fast forward to now, he is a completely different person. About 4 months ago he started changing so much. Apart from low mood and not being able to get out of bed, he started talking about how bulls**t it is that we have to work and how little time is ours, how doctors are only big Pharmaceutical giant that look for profit, not to help people, how he despises taking antidepressants for this exact reason etc. Smoking weed and drinking a lot as well. About a month ago he broke to me that he’s been taking cocaine ‘all the time, for months’ (last 10 months). This totally crushed me, I knew about weed, didn’t like it, but thought it might help him relax, and didn’t want to be on him about it all the time. The cocaine was an absolute shock, and break of trust. We’re supposed to be getting married next year, and I don’t know whether I can build my future with someone who’s been lying to me for nearly a year, spent all of his savings. He did say that he chose the drugs over a bridge, which is scary. I presume his antidepressants did nothing because he was on coke all this time, plus he neglected repeating his prescription, and had 5 days breaks in between.
He did seek private therapy, and drug therapy. He stopped taking cocaine, but now smokes more than ever, even at 8am, then goes back to bed. This week he’s been worse than ever before. Missed his therapy, started being horrible to me, which has never happened before, and keeps going into dark corners of the internet, searching for everything’s that’s wrong with the world. He’s also obsessing over what’s caused him to feel like this, so he’s ‘doing his own research’. He went from trauma to Autism as a reason for his mental health problems, and is obsessing over the fact that he might have Autism. If he wants to get checked then that’s fine. But this self diagnosis and looking into things make him sound completely out of it. I can’t stand anything he’s saying anymore. He’s always been so grounded. Now, he seems so detached from reality, and I get frustrated and angry with him. He always enjoyed working, was very ambitious, and now says it feel cathartic to stick his finger up to his employer and tell him he’s not coming in. I wonder whether this is just depression talking, or whether this is really who he is, which is not the person I fell in love with.
So I guess I’m looking for some reassurance, that my old partner is still there. And perhaps any anger management/support groups for me. I keep shouting at him, trying to challenge him and we end up yelling at each other, like we have never done before. I feel like my mental health has declined so much as well, I don’t have the capacity to look after him anymore, and went into the fight mode. I’ve started counselling, they’ve suggested CBT, but so far I’m struggling to match it to my circumstances.
He’s gone to his sister’s for couple of weeks. So I want to use that time to refuel, and maybe work on myself so I can support him, rather than making things worse. I’ve told myself I’ll madidate everyday, but I haven’t seen many groups for people who support people with depression.