Hello Elaine and Jenny. No wobbles today I hope. Haven’t been too bad. My 16 year old grandson came with me today and hubby happy to see us both. One little blip. Hubby unable to control his bladder and he leaked onto his jogging bottoms. Grandson was quite alarmed. Not that it had happened, but was worried Grandad was going to be left like it. I had to be careful again. Said to hubby " oh dear have you spilt your tea"?. Said he had.! Gradually I was able to tell staff. Said to hubby you can’t stay wet, you will get a chill. Seem to walk on eggshells trying to keep him calm and happy. Jogging bottoms lol! I wish he could walk let alone jog.xx
Hi Elaine. Mixed emotions and the guilt monster weighing heavy again.?? I so know the feelings. Cqc wouldn’t be pleased if they thought residents were forced to bed early against their wishes. Maybe your mom doesn’t really mind being ready for bed and watching her TV? It’s hard to know who or what to believe at times. Asked hubby today if he had enjoyed his lunch. He told me he had. I found out later he refused anything he had been offered? As far as finger nails. My daughter has been cutting his nails since he has been away from home. For some reason staff don’t do them. She commented that they were dirty with food in them ( yuk!) I now check them every visit. Put cream on them etc. Must admit his room is tidy and clean. But then he goes into one of the lounges every day. Maybe your mom just doesn’t want to go into the lounge? It’s all ifs and buts and we will drive ourselves crazy. It helps if visits by someone are at different times when poss. My son in law has popped in at 7.30 in the evening on occasions. My daughter has visited at 11am. So we have an idea and the staff just don’t know who or when one of us will be there…Afraid no where is perfect. Give it more time and visit at different time, or at least some one if you or they can. You will get the ‘feel’ of how it’s run. It’s very early days yet. I’m still learning. Still in despair, still wieghed down with guilt and greif so judgment gets clouded. Yours will too. I’m sure your husband and daughter will visit and tell you how they have found things. Don’t give up
Glad you’ve treated yourself. I’ve dropped 2 sizes with all of this trauma so I had to get couple of things. Believe me I needed to lose weight. Not like this though. Thinking of you lots ((( hug)))
Oh what an odd visit today. I arrived home and burst into tears.Hubby pleased to see me. Said he wasnt expecting it and how on earth did I get there. Then we were watching TV and the bicycle race was on. He suddenly said my bikes outside and mom won’t be pleased. Although I’m not really surprised he’s had thoughts that his mom is still alive, it still caused an awful pang. I ‘played along’ with it and he didn’t continue. Then the lady who gets undressed was trying to pull her trousers down very close to us. I called an assistant who sorted it. I said blimey love we nearly saw her pants. He replied "I did see them and they weren’t very white!! That made me chuckle, as he must have remembered that lm a fusspot about white clothing being white.
It’s brought it home again that dementia is taking my hubby from me. These mixed emotions are dreadful feelings to cope with. Cope I must. Like all of us on the forum with the fears and anxieties etc we are enduring. Xx
Hi Pet,
This visiting lark is a ‘gird your loins, but on a cheerful face and lock down your emotions’ exercise. I’m just visiting my ancient, lived a full and happy life, mother. How on earth you cope at all I don’t know, or anyone else visiting or caring for a spouse or partner who is never, ever going to be the same again. My empathy for people in that situation is growing daily and you are being so very brave.
One day, in the far future, you may look back and smile a little at how your hubby was entertained by a resident ‘stripper’. Good grief, there should be a video.
At the moment of course, it’s alarming and awkward, - but one day?
I’m hoping that I’ll laugh at a few things one day. Like the carer who came into Mum’s room today and mum was wrapped up in her favourite ‘woolly’. (It’s an ancient, hand knitted, oversized, striped and shapeless jumper Mum likes to put round her shoulders.) The carer asked ‘Are you cold?’ Mum replied, ‘No I didn’t call you, what are you doing in here?’ Oh dear. Communication is not going well.
Both were utterly bewildered until I translated.
What’s the food like at hubby’s place? Mum’s seems quite good but she is used to me offering her a number of choices and cooking whatever she decides for dinner/lunch.
Now she has to decide the afternoon before and she really doesn’t like doing that. I was there when the carer came in today. Fish pie or beef casserole tomorrow. Well, Mum is allergic to fish so casserole it has to be. By tomorrow she will have forgotten what she ordered and won’t want it anyway. Oh dear.
Mum said that when she woke this morning she couldn’t see. Her sight improved a little during the day but she was very worried. (She only has a little sight in one eye anyway). She cannot see her food any more and needs to be fed. Having a bit of a problem getting that through to the staff. Today the carer told her to try to feed herself, but another one turned up and helped her, although Mum believes the girl was reluctant to do so. Communication again. I hope that’s all it is.
I’m having a non mother day tomorrow. However, I have to contact all interested parties to inform them that Mum is no longer at her address. DWP seems to be fairly important on the list.
Ah well.
Chin up Pet. You are pretty wonderful and you will get through this dark tunnel and if there is no sunshine at the other end for a while, it won’t, at least, be a hurricane.
XX
Elaine
Elaine. Your not JUST visiting your as you word it your ancient mother. I know the feelings for a parent are different to a spouse. However seeing someone you love in the difficult situations is very painful and distressing regardless.
The food is OK at hubby’s nursing home. Bit like when you are away or eating out. Sometimes very good, other times not so good. I don’t understand why they are asked what they would like tomorrow either. He can’t always remember what he’s had for lunch half an hour later. There is always soup and a sandwich as an alternative. I know your mom doesn’t like sandwich. Not much we can do really but hope the food is generally acceptable.
As far as seeing the funny side of situations, I do try. There is a poor man who ’ entertains’ himself if you get my meaning.! The ladies, even with their broken minds know it’s not appropriate. One lady an ex teacher said to him" leave it alone you rude naughty boy" I know I shouldn’t laugh, but it is rather funny. Hubby laughed as well. He chuckles at me when I move my chair so I’m not witnessing. And when I say " oh no" re the stripper ’ she will make Mr … worse.! It may not seem appropriate but somehow I have to add humour to the visit. The poor man doesn’t know, he’s too busy!! I have to add that he has his trousers on so not as risque as it may seem. Sorry everyone, but there’s no room for being prudish in dementia world unfortunately. I will understand if the mediators remove the post.
Also today, for some reason, hubby thought I wouldn’t be able to get out of the chair I chose to use ( a dining chair). I made him laugh again by saying " are you implying I have a big a,…! It’s not a word I use but I 80% knew he would find it funny so hey ho, let my standards drop. Within the home and on the forum anyway.Along with all the tears and sadness there are some funny moments. I do hope I haven’t offended anyone. Think dementia almost changes the personality of family as well as the person suffering with it?? Am pleased Elaine, that you are having visit free days. They are needed xx
Hi Pet
How has today gone? I’ve had a non mother day. Well, not visiting at any rate. Woke up worrying. Spent the morning contacting people like DWP, and some of those who need to remove things from the bungalow. Like her bed, equipment and personal alarm telephone. Actually it seems I have to take the latter to a drop off shop. Good job I don’t have to carry the bed on my back. (At least I hope not). Haven’t got round to everyone yet.
Grabbed a quick lunch they headed down to the local shopping centre to visit banks to put in a cheque for us and one for Mum. Never thought to inform Mum’s bank but as her bungalow address is still valid and will no doubt be so for quite some time yet, I don’t think there’s any hurry. Then I went and bought her a couple of new blouses.
Got a call from the friend visiting Mum. Mum has had a bad back for a couple of days. She is insisting on sitting in her electric power chair, because she believes it makes her independent. It doesn’t really, except she can move a few feet in her room. It’s making her back ache, but she’s so darn stubborn. Anyway sounds like the friend stirred everyone up and even had the manager trying to make Mum comfortable. Mum asked my friend to tell me she was having back problems. I dithered and then rang the Home. They said they had put her in a different chair and she was fine. So with great self control I came home, via the bungalow to water her plants, and went out in my own garden to pull weeds.
I’ll no doubt have a reproachful mother to deal with tomorrow, because I didn’t rush to her side, but I am so tired of being responsible for absolutely everything and she has nurses to look after her now. I must learn to step back a bit. So hard though.
I do hope you have had a reasonable day.
Hugs
Elaine
Oh the joys of having the sorting to do. They have no insight into it do they! I’ve had couple of wobbles. One when he said his Mom won’t be pleased as his bike is outside! She’s been gone for 44years. Played along with it. Today he wouldn’t let up about the coach we have to get. Even though I said its not booked for today. What bloody coach!!Found myself getting agitated, not helped by a very very noisy resident today. So much as the guilt monster kicked me, I left earlier. Just couldn’t hack it all. Am considering having the day to myself tomorrow. Maybe go to Solihull and buy a skirt that fits! My son in law just left. He’s strimmed and cut the grass. Then we were discussing how we will start sorting the garage. It’s so junked up. Hubby became much worse and wouldn’t throw a thing away. So the ups and downs of it all have drained me.
I sometimes can’t believe how quickly he has declined.
Ah well. I feel I’ve made new friends through the the forum. Some, like poor Eun are having a very rough time.
Hope your mom doesn’t make your visit difficult tomorrow. Paint your smile on and look forward to your Bacardi and or choc bar in the evening!! Blame me if you like lol
Mrs A. Love the pic!
Elaine. Am pleased to say no mobiles in use during my visit today and staff much more efficient. The manager had a meeting to reinforce expectations. The male nurse in question was very defensive and said my daughter was demanding. Claims she said will you take this patient away? SIL explained to me that she said will you do your job. Well he wasn’t doing his job if busy txtn. Poor daughter was trying to keep her dad calm. She was in pain with her shoulder, and the resident tapping it very hard for attention, She does tap VERY hard. Daughter in Hosp today. Had an operation on her shoulder and is in overnight.
Other SIL made a 40min visit tonight and said all was still well at the home. They needed a kick in the bum obviously! Pity it has to take a complaint. Trouble is the manager is 9 till 5. Weekdays only. Am not sure that’s a good thing. Oh well, at least SIL is a doer and not just a grumble.Shows it pays to visit at different times if possible. As said in the other post you sound happier. Let’s hope it remains.
Hi Pet
Tuesday visit was quite good. Had a word with the under manager before I saw Mum and he said that she was settling and that all the staff thought she was doing really well. That made me feel a bit better and then when I saw her she seemed in a fairly good mood, apart from an uncomfortable tummy. I helped her with her dinner and then we ran into problems as she wanted the commode. We had a very uncomfortable hour after that as she had become very constipated.
A friend visited at 11 today and called me after to say she had had a good visit with Mum with a good deal of laughter and chatting.
So, how come, when I arrived at 3, I found her miserable, complaining, saying she hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten, was in pain, uncomfortable and couldn’t stand it there any longer? Had to get the manager to come have a word with her so she could tell her how she was feeling. Which she did.
Then, Mother holds the manager’s hand and says’ You have a beautiful house here. Thank you so much for sharing it with all these people’.
Good grief.
Anyway, I’m having a day off - well back sorting the bungalow- tomorrow so we will see what Friday brings.
In the meantime I’m thinking of finding a large field, standing in the middle and screaming ‘Why ME?’
Shall I save you a space in the next field over?
X
Elaine
Good grief Elaine. You do take the flack from your Mom! Hubby had a visit from the health team this morn. I wasn’t there. Apparently he said he was comfy and the food is good etc. When I said I’m pleased the food is nice he replied it’s rubbish at times! Grrr. Made me sad as well. Asked if his mom was alright and not being difficult. She wasn’t keen on me. So yes please, a screaming field would be good. We could stamp our feet in tantrum mode as well lol
I’m having day from visiting tomorrow. The one I wanted yesterday. As I type those words I get a pang of guilt but am very slowly learning to fight it. Take care Pet
Hi Pet replied to your PM but had some difficulty ‘sending’. You may get half a dozen copies!
E.
Oh dear, whatever’s the matter with me? I took the day from visiting hubby to catch up with some housework. Even made a list of ‘to dos’. Have struggled to cope. No,havent coped. Couple of things with only half heart in have been done. Keep weeping. Cross with myself for the emotions and not doing things I’d planned.
Elaine, where’s that screaming field!!?
Directions for you Pet.
When you leave the town of ‘Normal’, at the crossroads, do not go on towards ‘Dreams’ or turn towards ‘Hope’, instead take the turning signposted ‘Despair’. Travel straight on through the villages of ‘Worry’, ‘Anxiety’ and ‘Helpless’. After the town of ‘Exhausted’ take the road to ‘Decision’. Stop here to visit the supermarket of ‘Tears’ and pick up a trolley full of ‘Guilt’. When the city of ‘Despair’ is reached, travel south on the ring road to the junction signed ‘Breakdown’. Take that turning but stop when you see a large muddy field. Park up and enter. The screaming circle is in the middle.
If you trudge through that muddy field to the furthest hedge you will find a narrow opening. If you pass through, on the other side is a way which passes, via ‘Sorrow’ and ‘Mourning’ along a windy and lonely path to ‘New Normal’. Stop and rest here, then seek out the roads to ‘Happy’ and ‘Hope’ and ‘Life’. They may be hard to find at first but they are there.
You have friends who journey with you.
X
Elaine
My word that’s some journey. Must be achievable. Tim Peake’s on the moon!! Brilliant instructions Elaine. Thank-you
Visited hubby again today. When I arrived he was in his bathroom. He decided to stay in his room as the staff told him I had arrived. Very odd being with him on my own. He wasn’t unpleasant by any means but having a ‘normal’ conversation was hard. He asked if his mom was OK again. Then sleeping for ages with me staring at him teary eyed. When he woke he said an old man was missing and wondered if he’d been found. He complained of a stinking headache, aching neck and his back hurting. I really believe that was true. Told staff who gave him paracetamol. Bit concerned though because that happened when he had the 1st stroke. Am sure staff will phone if any concerns, I hope . I’m very weary with the situation. Skin taking ages to thicken up!!
Hiya Pet
Yes that headache must have worried you. Do you think the length of time you spend with hubby means anything to him? Don’t get me wrong, I mean does it make a big difference to him, do you think, whether you spend an hour or stay for three?
I was just wondering whether it wouldn’t be so hard on you if you kept your visits relatively short, especially if he doesn’t mind at all? You know best on that one.
I think, (in my ignorance of course), that you are an important, comforting female presence and this also links with his mother. You are there and his mother isn’t so he wonders about her. Does that make any sense?
At least you didn’t have the stripper invading your space today! One little thing to be thankful for.
X
E.
Elaine. I honestly don’t know if the length of time means anything to hubby? Maybe it’s me hoping and feeling it does. Maybe it’s my guilt and knowing other visitors stay much longer. I know deep down I shouldn’t compare, but I find myself doing just that.
As far as his mother, the relationship was strained at times but he did love his parents. Yes Im certain I have a comforting effect on him. It was noted in both of the hospitals. So what you are saying does make sense. I chanced saying " you’ve asked about your mom a couple of times now" his reply was " well it’s part of life isn’t it." I don’t mind him mentioning her and wouldn’t dream of saying she died years ago. It hits me hard that the dementia is doing this to him.
The resident stripper was dressed today when I when I saw her!!
Pet When I go and stand on my patio near my round table, I can see all of the top of it at once. However to look at the rest of the area I have to turn my head to look behind or in front. Perhaps for your husband, time isn’t a line which stretches behind and in front, but is a circle, like my table top, so it’s all in view now. He can focus on one little area and see his Mum, or another, for the missing man, but it’s all in view, happening now, just hard to see clearly.
X
E.
Elaine. I seem to be having problems replying to posts. Am testing again
Sorry xx