Oh I do value your support! Should the nurse say again I will use your words. You need to toughen up! The manager told me that they are there to support hubby’s family as well as him. She may not feel it’s a nice word but dementia isn’t a nice place to be. The teenagers in the care homes I worked in used it to shock. Didn’t work. Hubby I feel isn’t using it to shock but in frustration?
Am sad to hear that the GP who assessed you was so useless. You sound like a very strong person who has had to be.
Guilt monster fighting with me today. Had fraught morning paper and phone calls wiseThen went to hubby’s bank. That was productive. Manager to get that lottery payment of £80 month stopped. The manager said he will be there for me when needed. His grandmother has dementia sadly but has made him more understanding. Then at bus stop in poring rain for 40mins. When got to hubby was soaking and dithery. Pleasant visit but I left earlier than needed. I really could have stayed an extra hour. It had stopped raining and went before it started again. That now seems a poor excuse. Hence the guilt monster! Need a bigger hammer lol
Good that the Bank Manager understood. Sorting that sort of thing out is very stressful, so I’m not surprised, given the rain as well, that you left early. Time to be kind to yourself.
Lost post again?
Strange mixed emotions today. Tried to enjoy the sun and blue skies walking to the post office. Kept thinking I will be punished if I enjoy this. The visit will be horrible. It wasn’t. We went for a walk round the grounds with activities coordinator. Then we watched countdown and hubby got the maths right. I went into ‘this isnt dementia mode’ Afterwards he was rambling about driving the car last night and took stuff out of it. I said I’ve got the car looking after it. He wouldn’t accept that so I had to go with it again. So he can do maths that I can’t, but can’t remember what he ate for lunch or that Id told him our grandson has chicken pox. Can’t remember where the car is etc. It’s know wonder my mind whirls!!CQC there today and had a chat with me. Interesting.
So I’ve rambled on myself but feel better for it xx
Isn’t a case where he knows his maths, because he’s known maths for most of his adult life (or longer!) - whereas the daily flow of information, that changes all the time, is far less ‘sticky’ in his brain. I think that ‘deep’ long term knowledge is called ‘muscle memory’ isn’t it? Like we ‘know’ how to drive a car, even if we haven’t driven one for years, etc etc.
It must surely be good for him to do maths and such like mental exercising - I’d encourage it!
From what I understand, it’s short term memory (the 'bits and pieces of everyday life) that fails first?
I would say it’s quite commong, even without dementia, that as we age we remember the past far more clearly than the ever-changing present??
I’m sure others here will know more about how dementia does affect the practical workings of the brain and memory, so maybe I’m wrong…
The mind is a very strange place…
PS - no, you are NOT wrong to enjoy what you can, eg, fine weather and a walk and so on. These are essential ‘recharge’ moments for yourself. What would be the benefit to your husband of your NOT enjoying them? It does him no harm at all if you still can find some things to enjoy - and it certainly must do you good.
Life can hand out bitter, bitter lemons …but enjoying the blossom etc isn’t a crime. I’d say it’s essential, to help us bear the lemons…
Hello All. I thought I was doing OK. Had couple of almost guilt free days. Visiting hubby has been quite good. Learning to cope with the bizzare statements and going along with his plans for holidays etc. Why then today do I feel so bereft again. Lonely and tearful? It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. Am disappointed with myself. My sister said I’m coping marvelously? Others say something similar. Today I do not feel like that.
Xx
It’s the Guilt Monsters cousin, the Grief Monster, because you are going through a sort of bereavement. The husband you know and love is gradually disappearing at a rate you have no control over. On days like today, you need to learn to be kind to yourself. Recognising what it is can be very helpful.
Don’t put any pressure on yourself to visit, to do anything in fact, but it might help if you took a walk in the fresh air. In the near future, think about going away, by yourself, for a weekend somewhere, or even just a day coach trip, as a first step towards developing a “new life” for yourself. This will give you something different to think about, and maybe make a few new friends.
In the long run this will be much better for you, mentally and physically, than staying at home. It will visiting easier, so you will be better placed to support your husband.
Pet
I see you only joined this forum 6 weeks ago. Getting used to such a major change takes most people many many months, even years. Please let yourself have gòod hours and bad hours, good days and bad days. You are doing so well so please don’t put extra pressure on yourself. Just be kind to yourself. If your body says you need a darned good cry then have one. If the Sun is shining go out and enjoy it. If an extra cup of tea is needed then have one.
I think the previous advice to put in place a couple of things for the future for you is good, perhaps a day out, then a weekend away or how about some regular class in pottery, yoga or whatever floats your boat. Just somethings nice to look forward too.
Remember, if this had been a bereavement no one would be expecting recovery by now xxx
MrsA
BB and Mrs A. I’m meeting my in a couple of weeks. We are going to discuss a day trip. Luckily my friend said she will sort it out. That’s been something we had in our retirement plans then things went pair shaped. I always enjoy her company. Natter natter!
I visited hubby today. I walked part of the way. I’ve told the staff I won’t be there tomorrow. I feel more comfy if I tell them. It encourages me to stick to the plan. I felt really sad at seeing him. He always had such a thirst to learn. Oh well the visit was nice. No irritation with me and I so value that. Feel a little better than I did this morning. Xx
Good. It’s always good if you can go out with an old friend who knows the “real” you and can understand how tough it is right now, because they too remember the good times you had.
Now Pet put something else nice in diary, even if its just a shopping trip to buy new dress. You are doing well xxx
Not sure about doing well? I didn’t visit today. He hasn’t been off my mind though. Have managed to do a little housework. Changed the bed linen. Haven’t done as much as I planned. In fact I fell asleep for while. I felt happier when my elder daughter txtd to say she had visited him. Must admit I feel lonely again today. Part of the course now.
Hope everyone had a reasonable day xx
No need to apologise for taking a nap. Just shows how much recent events have been affecting you. Naps ARE permitted!
How are you all? Made my usual visit to hubby today. He was more spaced out again at times. Wasn’t an awful visit. We had couple of chats. It’s me again feeling odd. I want to be with him but after 2 or 3 hours I get tense and want to leave. Then walking through the grounds I have a feeling of abandoning him. My heart and head clash. A few of the residents seemed low today. Maybe the grey dingy weather affects them as well. To be honest it’s only been ba month that hubby has been there, but I can see detoriation in some of the the residents as I can with hubby. It makes me very sad. Xx
It’s my daughter’s 40th birthday today. On the roll call posts explained how I felt. Now I’m dreading Sat 7th. Hubby will be 71. How do I get through that milestone? Plans of taking him out etc won’t happen now. He has deteriorated so much re mobility and mental capacity. There isn’t anywhere in the nursing home to have family get together. I feel bereft again. BB at least I now know it’s the grief monster. How do I kick the monster down.? I’m feeling it before the day has even arrived. Maybe just sorry for myself. Moan over!xx
Why not ask the home what they do when it’s someone’s birthday?
Hi Pet, As BB says. But if the answer is nothing, then you could get one of those helium balloons with a weight at the bottom and take him in a cake with candles. It will probably mean something to him because a birthday cake is something from our earliest memories. Cards too. It may mean more to you than him but you will feel better having marked the occasion. I find that birthdays mean less as we get older but still worth a mention. I’m sat looking at one of those balloons, cards and three ‘banners’ from my hubby’s 70th on Tuesday. Looking at him I cannot see any trace of the 26 yr old I married. Where do the years go?
x
Elaine
BB and Elaine. Thank-you again. I will ask. Am sure the home doesnt provide help with birthdays as there have been a couple of them that I know of. Having said that one spouse was moist eyed and said to me “it’s her birhday today and she has no idea” Hubby will know when we take cards etc. Will take cake and hopefully he will be happy to go to his room for a while. Having slept on it I realise it’s me and the guilt/grief monster fighting again. The most important thing is that he is well cared for every day. The day will come and go like any day. We had celebration last year when he was 70. He was very spaced out at times looking back. However it was enjoyed by all especially the grandchildren. I was anxious. Had been for over a year even then. Now I know why. I was very very tired yesterday and sad. It makes me worse when overtired. Thinking of you today Elaine ((( ))) BB your knowledge is very noticeable such a help to all. I know you have been through more than your fair share of difficult times.
Dear Pet,
Some homes don’t do celebrations as it can be so confusing for the person concerned - in truth I think they’re more for the family. I’d go for a small thing, a little cake and a candle for your husband to make a blow at (it doesn’t matter if he can’t extinguish it) and little but practical pressies like PJ’s (remember the name tags!) or his favourite aftershave, and a big photo of the family all together. This may sound horrible (and I don’t mean it to be so) but not making a big thing of birthdays is a part of the ‘letting go’ and it’s harder for the family than for the sufferer
Big hugs.