Hi Pet,
No wise words, just more hugs. XX
Elaine
Thank you Oh how I need them at the moment. Sending you hugs back.
How are you? Xx
Cream crackered! But not trying to cope with the level of anxiety you are. Had a visit from one of my second cousins and his wife today, which was nice. He shares my liking for family research and has rekindled my interest. I’ll try to make time to continue what I started on ‘Ancestry’.
Try to be kind to yourself and don’t do anything that doesn’t have to be done right now.
X
Elaine
Morning. Oh how anxious I feel right now. Will have to visit hubby today. I think will lose it if I’m told " we are worried about the other patients "
So am I but my hubby is worth worrying about as well. I’m allowing angry thoughts and maybe unreasonable? Has my poor hubby upset a happy family group. Are the assistants thinking we don’t get paid for all this CR**? I used to be a child care officer working with teenagers in care and I’ve heard things said in similar circumstances. So am aware of high feelings that seem to catch on. Statements like it’s alright for him ( the manager) driving around in his porcshe and only doing office hours! Yes it’s all coming back with a vengeance! Oh dear, how bitter this post sounds I should delete it but I won’t. I know I can vent things without immediate regret and can retract later without being harshly judged.
Am going to the hairdresser in a while. When I get back maybe my mood will be sweeter. Thank you all for support xx
Admitting that you feel angry is very good - it’s another phase you go through with bereavement. I was angry with my husband for leaving me on my own at 54, for not going to the doctor for… Good that you are going to the hairdresser, enjoy you time concentrating on yourself.
It is inappropriate for the staff to make comments about their concern for others, when talking to you. If this goes on, then it might need a call to the Care Quality Commission, and also the Continuing Healthcare social worker/care manager. After all, CHC are paying the home a lot of money for your husband to have all his care needs met at this home, if there is a problem, then the home should be sharing it with CHC, not worrying you.
Here’s a big HUG from me too.
BB. I’ve just tried to reply and it came up with Error?
Thank-you so much for your thoughts. I feel so much better. I hadn’t considered that it’s inappropriate for staff to voice concerns re the other residents safety. Am very pleased they are concerned. However it’s not Hubby’s or my fault that he is in aggressive mode. I felt guilty that he is? Should the need arise I will explain that I’m very well aware they are concerned for the other residents and that I don’t need reminding.
I’m very sad you lost your husband at such a young age. I admire the way you have fought through dark and difficult days. You are an inspiration.
On a lighter note I’m pleased with my hair. Looked like the wild woman from the outback lol
Pet, is your husband on any ‘anti-aggression’ medication? (I use the term loosely!)
When my MIL took it into her head to start trying to go AWOL from her home, the policy was to ‘guide her back gently indoors’ (if she’d actually managed to get out - it’s not a secure home, ie, not designed or rated to be secure). Once, though, she headed off, and a member of staff went to ‘guide her back indoors’ but MIL was having none of it, and hit out at the staff member when her arm was taken. The staff member followed policy, summoned a colleague, and between them they did manage to peaceably guide MIL back in (I think the fight went out of her!).
However, since then, MIL has been on a daily dose of Diazapam to ‘calm’ her, and prevent her becoming agitated.
(The problem is that if she persists in going AWOL, she’ll have to leave, since the home is not a secure one, and I’m trying to avoid that as it’s so good a home!)
Dosing with diazepam does seem to be fairly ‘standard procedure’ in such cases. That’s why I ask if your husband is on it already, or if it would be considered for it. (Not necessarily ‘for ever’ but while he ‘adjusts’ to his new normal)(sigh…so sad, so sad…)
All the best anyway, with the situation, as best can be in what can never really be ‘best’…
Hi Jenny. Today’s visit was much better than I anticipated. Sad though because the increased dosage of the antipsychotic drug had made him almost out of it. He is on lots of medication including diazepam. Blood pressure anti coagulant. All sorts. I managed to get my point across re my previous post in a calm productive way so feel better for that. They are short staffed again. Hubby needed the loo and has two staff to take him. One very sweet lady in late stages of dementia has to have one to one. The staff trusted me to be with her while they helped hubby. I didn’t mind at all ( was a pleasure to help). But what a risk they had to take and they were in a no win situation. I could have been an awful person who harmed her etc. Am so glad her family didn’t turn up while they were helping hubby. Who knows how they may have felt? It’s a dreadful state of affairs really.
I do hope your MIL can stay in the home. It’s not good for residents to have to move. Unsettling for all. You don’t need that. You too have had it tough and have pulled yourself up. It’s something I greatly admire. The new norm is very hard and very sad and lonely.
Good evening. Strange visit today. Hubby pleased to see me. Asked me how I knew where he was. We had chat about lunch and football! Sat in lounge watching T V. My daughter and her family visited. He was so pleased. Went to his room eventually. When they left the toilet issue started again! He really gets cross when I explain I’m not allowed to help him. He forgets he can’t manage on his own or just gets stubborn? I once again ended up getting cross with him. Then I’m devastated that I did. How do I teach myself it’s Mr Dementia and not him? I made mistake of trying to help. It takes two staff to help and his legs are getting weaker. For the few moments I feel like I don’t really like him. It’s not that though I don’t like what’s happening to us… I get my sister, bloody dementia, it’s robbed us. I left on a reasonably calm note ( outwardly anyway.) Is it natural that I feel it would be easier not to visit? I wouldn’t not visit. Long to see him really. However his empathy for me is fading. I realise it’s part and parcel. Feeling drained. Kettle here I come. Sugar not saccharin as well lol
Pet
Each and every one of your mixed and varied feelings is absolutely totally natural and normal. Please don’t beat yourself up so. Treat yourself to a second cup of tea, and a biscuit. You’ve earned them
Xx
Hiya Pet
I get cross with my Mum and have to walk away and pace for a while and she is nowhere near as far down the road as your hubby. Not even diagnosed and I’m wondering if I should arrange that or not.
My Mum’s short term memory is getting worse and today it was a ‘what day is it?’ confusion. What made me snap back today, which I kicked myself for afterwards was, as I was leaving and said ‘See you in the morning’, she replied ‘Oh you don’t need to come in the morning, someone will be here’. I’m there 6 mornings a week, by 9.30 at the latest. (Carers first). I snapped. ‘Don’t be silly, of course I have to come’. She couldn’t understand why. Oh dear. Not silly her, silly me.
You are going to change from ‘my wife’ visiting to a volunteer ‘visitor’, because your husband is changing from the man you knew to ‘a patient’ in a ‘Home’, whom you spend time with. Purely because of this awful, awful illness and you have to witness and live every horrible step of the way.
Could you learn to switch between? Could you go from ‘this is my husband who is pleased to see’ me to ‘this is someone I don’t know but whom I am visiting just now?’ Take a mental step back when it gets bad? Don’t know if it would help or even be possible. Just trying to think of anything to help.
Loads more of those hugs coming your way and a virtual hand hold too.
XX
Elaine
Morning Elaine. I wonder if you would feel ‘better’ if you were given a professional diagnosis re your mum’s health? My friend was told her mother’s condition was old age dementia. She still had all of the emotions etc but had a name for it.Sadly her mum died a few months ago. She still has guilt kicks.
I could try to switch from wife to visitor when it gets extra tough. I realise that 5 or 6 hr visit is too much for me. I don’t usually. Circumstances yest seemed to make it work out that way. It pos is too much for hubby. I’ve taken a day out a week and feel will extend that to 2 days. Makes my stomach knot to even type that admission… The day I decided I couldn’t face it I just txtd my daughter that I won’t be visiting dad today. Didn’t give an explanation and she didn’t ask why. So it’s a step forward that I don’t feel the need to justify. Not that it’s been expected it was me. I’ve observed other visitors routines and now realise each to their own coping mechanism. Need to develop my own if that’s possible? I think you cope remarkably well. Do you get any ‘me’ time? (((Hug)))
This morning wasn’t good. The Internet banking went haywire and I was on hold for 25mins. I use Internet banking all of the time so know what I’m doing. It really stressed me and was crying and swearing (yes swearing!) all at the same time. It’s sorted now. I visited hubby. He was OK. Very tired and looked it. Kept falling asleep. After a couple of hours I decided to leave. Had terrible pang about it but unfortunately the other patients were irritating me (poor people). I usually cope well with them wanting my attention and fiddling around me. Today I couldn’t. So I waited for hubby to stir then said I will go now. You won’t be so tired when I get back and we can have a nice chat. He said yes we can decide where we would like to go. Am not going tomorrow though. No reason, just trying to listen to advice of you all. Am so so tired today. Am typing this in trying not to feel guilty.
Hope you are all muddling through as we have to xx
Am not going tomorrow though. No reason, just trying to listen to advice of you all. Am so so tired today. Am typing this in trying not to feel guilty.
HI Pet
I promise you it will get easier; it will take a little while but the guilty feelings will get less 
I think a nice long soak in a bubbly bath, followed by hot chocolate and an early night is probably called for
(((((hugs))))))
Hi Pet, Sorry late post tonight. Should you cut down on the length of time when appropriate? I remember being in hospital or visiting someone in hospital and a relatively brief visit seemed best all round as somehow you are living in two different worlds and the longer you are ‘in’ the wider apart the worlds seem to get. Could it be the same for you and your hubby? Perhaps at each visit, when you feel the time is ‘right’ to go you should not feel that you should hang on because you don’t feel you have been there long enough? It’s the visit which counts, not the number of hours.
Sending you the usual hug (()), hand hold and how about a virtual bar of chocolate? What’s your fave?
X
Elaine
Morning Elaine. How are you today? I’ve had a better sleep. However the bags under my eyes are still huge! I hate admitting this but it’s almost a sense of relief that I’m not visiting today. You are right along with the other lovely supporters on the forum. Shorter but sweeter(?) visits are probably wiser. Must try to stop comparing myself to others visiting their loved ones (spouses). Each to their own way. It’s only 3 weeks that hubbys been in the nursing home. He hasn’t been home with me since November so it’s all very raw.
I’ve gone off choc believe it or not except for choc covered wafers. Gone off food in lots of ways. You could send me a virtual Sunday dinner with all the trimmings lol. Haven’t had one since Xmas. ((( hug))) for you x
Pet, you mention the other residents annoying you. Can I ask where you see your husband, in his own room, a communal room, or a semi private area?
Hi suzieq
Took your advice re hot choc and earlier night. I have showers. Struggle to get out of the bath these days. However I had a much better sleep. As stated to Elaine I almost feel sense of relief that am not visiting today. Hate to admit that. Lots to do in the house. Not sure if will do it though. My limbs and mind feel heavy? Will see how the day goes.
Hope you are having good day xx
Hello Bowlingbun
Hubby is usually in one of the lounges now. The staff prefer it so they can keep check that he’s not trying to get up on his own. He forgets he can’t. Gets very cross when it because he wants the toilet. He seems happy to stay in a lounge. I do ask if he wants to go to his room. Unfortunately yesterday I just wasn’t as tolerant as I usually am. Was tense because he had already had an altercation with a fiesty resident the other Eve. I was told what he had done to her (flicked his finger in his face) I wasn’t told until Sunday that she has been slapping him. I realise this is all part of the illness and staff have to deal with it. I would prefer to be told all or nothing though. Not left reeling that my hubby was the baddie. Non of them are.They are ill. So I was exceptionally sensitive yest. Need to let my skin thicken up!! Hubby pre dementia days just wouldn’t flick any ones face. Any more perhaps that the resident would have been slapping some one. Xx
Just checking on how your husband’s review went yesterday., and how you’re coping. And also how his meds are going. i have a defence strategy with my mum, when she needs care or is really agitated I go into ‘nurse’ mode - when she remembers who I am (more importantly who she is) then I become ‘daughter’ again. I hope things are sorted with your daughter and she’s giving you more support. I think it’s a real problem with people on this site, we’re the strong ones and others rely on us to keep ‘normality’ going with little thought on how it impacts on ourselves. I think you would benefit from standing back and taking care of yourself. But I can understand that hubby isn’t settling and it is worrying to you. I’m thinking of youXX