And he has people caring for him who are rested, get regular breaks and have the skills and equipment to help him. However much you love someone, there comes a point when that is not enough to keep him safe.
Sadly, guilt and mourning become part and parcel of our lives. But I guess we do what is best for our loved ones and that is the price we pay.
In time there will be positives to him being in care too. You will be rested and more able to help him and the home get to know each other.
Anne x
Thank-you for lovely comments. Today’s visit wasn’t bad. My daughter and myself took him round the grounds which are very pretty. Ist time he’s had fresh air since 7th November. He enjoyed it. Got a little cold even though we put cardi and a blanket.on. Later on he asked when are we going home. That’s hard to take.
I’ve noticed I’m using the forum such a lot. Maybe too much?
Hope you are OK today x
Course not ‘too much’ Pet. Even if people don’t always answer each of your posts we are still reading and wishing you and your husband well.
This will sound like an insensitive question but is asked out of a wish to learn. What happens if when that question, ‘When am I going home?’, is asked, the reply is ‘You can’t come home. You are really poorly and have to live here now’. Does that ever have the effect of settling someone’s mind, does it cause distress or is the answer forgotten by the next visit and the question asked again? Does it entirely depend on the individual? I’m asking because if ever Mum is in a nursing home, I am dreading that very question. It must break your heart every time.
I hope hubby enjoys his tv Pet and glad you had a lovely walk around.
x
Elaine
Hi. To answer your question re going home. My hubby has it is in head sometimes that he’s only a fortnight at the nursing home. I don’t at the moment say " this is your home now" I think he would despair. I explain that he still needs nursing after his stroke and where he is is a nursing facility. I try never to say the word home. When I’m leaving I tell him have to go will miss the bus, and if needed I say to the house. It may be me who struggles with the word home but I feel it’s kinder to him. Today I asked 1 of the staff if they would keep him company while we left. He seemed reasonably happy with that.
I believe you will find the way round to the dreaded words one way or another. As my lovely younger daughter said, if we get it wrong it’s still come from the right place. It’s an awful learning process that’s right one time and wrong the next. So very painful for us all. It’s still new to me. Someone said it gets easier to cope but I can’t see that. Maybe we get a thicker skin. Mines very thin!
You take care as much as you can xx
Oh dear, just tried to post, and it bumped with Pet’s latest post!
I’m sorry that the idea of sleepovers is impossible. I do, though, quite agree with your policy of not calling his residential home his ‘home’. I’ve said, in the past, to my MIL ‘where you’re staying’…not implying that this is ‘for ever’. I do agree that it’s kinder to let him think it’s just ‘while he needs to be here’…which really is true, when you think about it.
Glad today’s visit went a little less painfully. It will, slowly, become what we who live in Cancerworld came to call ‘the new normal’. So, so sad. 
(Apologies for getting his age wrong - I obviously read the post incorrectly.)
Yes, you have to side step the question “are we going home now ?” or “when are we going home ?” - it’s definitely kinder that way. To answer the way you suggest Elaine would definitely cause distress. There will come a point when he will cease to ask, but you can’t put a timescale on it as it differs with each person.
I used to tell Mum that she was staying till she got better but it was hard and I’d often leave feeling like a rubbish daughter and full of guilt. In about a month (if you’re anything like me) you will have a strong urge to take him home and then you have to be strong and remind yourself that the care home staff are better able to take care of him.
For your own sake it may be better to reduce your visits for a little while - give him and yourself a chance to adjust to this new way of living. Sadly as his dementia gets worse he won’t remember whether you visited today, yesterday or the day before.
Yes I often get the strong urge to have him home. My heart wants that but my head tells me it wouldn’t be fair to him and impossible for me.
I have read several posts about people living with recurpussions of cancer. I do understand some of the feelings and my parents and hubby’s parents lost their fights to it and all young. These illnesses are very cruel. Just want you all to know that my heart goes out to everyone using the forum for whatever reasons
Xx
Oh dear. I feel am using the forum far too much. Find it such a help.but maybe I should refrain for some of the time. Wouldn’t want to be overtaking even though I want to be there for others as well as get the lovely support have been receiving xx
That’s what the forum is for Pet, to be used as much as you need, when you need it.
Hope you get some refreshing sleep tonight.
x
Elaine
not at all Pet - visit and post as often as you want to ! I’m just glad that you find our support helpful and I’m sure, in time, you will be supporting others 
Hello All. Refrained from using forum for a couple of days. Hubby still pleased to see me when I visit although asks where I’ve been. I try to sidetrack this as much as I can. Today I said just doing things gave him a kiss and asked how he’s been. Have the usual confabultings! Lots of genuine things as well. My daughter’s and myself do feel there is a little detoriation. Maybe we’ve stopped looking for miracles? We are finding the other residents interesting. Think some of them are sort of recognising us sometimes.All very sad but we are learning such a lot as well.
Have now made an appointment for solicitor to advice me re power of attorney. Im not sure if hubby has mental capacity to understand or not. One of things that I need to do is sell the car. I don’t drive and it’s losing value & another reminder of things we no longer have together. Can’t sell till I have POA. I quite anxious about the apt. Realise it may have to be court of protection. Lots of things to sort and all daunting.
However,bought hubby a dementia clock and he was so pleased. Said I won’t feel so mixed up in the morning. Let’s hope it helps.
Seem to be waffling on a bit don’t I!
Hope you are all coping as much as you can. Xx
Pet, it really is OK to use the forum as much as you like. Most people find the forum because of a crisis, I’ve had loads, and the support I’ve received has been invaluable. The real problem for many of us is that even our closest friends just don’t understand what caring is like, and the huge changes it makes to our lives, directly and indirectly. Many forum members have been through what you are going through, or know that the time is fast approaching when that most difficult decision has to be made. For every one person who posts here, there are many others who come, read, don’t say anything, for various reasons, but still gain strength from it, knowing that they are not alone. Have you noticed that 50 people have replied to your thread, but well over 1,000 members have visited the forum and read your messages? So you are helping others too. Be kind to yourself as well as your husband. Try to take a bit of time off every day, even if it’s just for half an hour with a coffee enjoying the spring sunshine. When the going gets tough, I find that being in the garden soothes me, and of course it’s pleasure which free of charge! Take care.
Hi Pet
You might have to choose a time of day when Hubby is at his best, and have the solicitor present, but doubtful as to whether you will get that POA? However anything ‘joint owned’ might be different. Maybe the car will come under that?
You seem to be a little more accepting/resigned, hard though it is?
Just take it one day at a time.
x
E.
Morning Elaine. Possibly I’m more resigned to hubby’s situation. Still have all of the various emotions. As my daughter’s are accepting a little more that it’s dementia it’s a help. It’s very hard for them. ESP my younger daughter. Her middle son is 13 and has struggled this week with what’s happening to Grandad. He’s a football fanatic and I must say a brilliant little player. (No that’s not Nanny glasses it’s true lol).He and Grandad had lots of banter in fun. 13 such a difficult age.
The car is only in hubby’s name and we have separate bank accounts. I do have doubts re POA to be honest. Have to start somewhere though.
The house maintenance is now solely my responsibility and quite a lot needs sorting. Its been rather neglected the last 2yrs as hubby’s illness has crept in. Unbeknown to me. The dreadful UTIs masked it.& the mini strokes I didn’t even realize he’d had.
It’s time for me to start slowly chipping away at the practicalities and very scary it is too. Am still struggling with taking a day away from him.
Hope you are feeling strong today. Lovely that you take such an interest and I do find the forum very helpful xx
Dear Pet, I think you’ve gone through a very difficult journey on something of a roller-coaster ride very quickly, I think one of the last things you should be thinking about is CoP, they charge for administration and if your finances are separate there should be no need to get them involved. Please don’t think you shouldn’t post - this is somewhere we all need to be
With regard to the stuff about your husband wanting to go ‘home’, this is such an emotive word and one difficult to address. My Mum wants to go ‘home’ - she’s lived here for over 50 yrs but doesn’t recognize it as home anymore - I have to tell the carers to tell her I’m taking her home tomorrow. She forgets quickly and it’s a comfort. I think the word ‘home’ means ‘I want to be in a safe place’, like the word ‘Mum’ another emotive word. My Mum is always asking for her Mum, even though she’s 92!! I have to recognize these words as ‘I want a hug’ words - some sort of reassurance words that let her know someone cares.
Hello. Thank you for your reply. I really need to get POA or COP started as there are several things on my husbands bank account statement that need cancelling and the car is fairly new and a concern to me that its sitting there devaluing etc. I have been advised by many, including the admiral nurse not to leave things too long. Things are playing on my mind as well so might as well start the ball rolling. Am really only seeking advice on Tues. My sister will be with me. Yes, its definitely been a roller coaster and yes I am still struggling lots…
I do hope you are coping as best you can. XX
With regard to the bank account, go and see the bank. There is something which can be easily arranged, called a “Third Party Mandate”, a form your husband can sign so that you can act for him. You can also arrange with the DWP to become his “appointee”. Then all his benefits go into a separate account, but in your name.
With regard to the car, the “registration document” only registers the keeper of the vehicle, not necessarily the owner, so again, there shouldn’t be a problem. However, I would strongly recommend asking a male friend to help with the sale of the vehicle, so you don’t get ripped off. Be very careful about not letting anyone drive off in it without you. Not a good idea to tell anyone enquiring about the car that you are living alone, either. Check too that it will be insured when someone takes it for a test drive. There are many pitfalls for the unwary. (My son is in the motor trade and I have also had connections in the past).
Hello bowlingbun
Thank you so much for the information. My husband hasn’t any savings as such but I do need access to his private and state pensions. He has always paid utility bills and car maintenance etc. I looked after the children’s needs TV phone etc and replaced white goods etc. It mworked for us. I have married woman’s stamp pension and a tiny private one. I almost feel deceitful to him! Have to get things in order though so can concentrate on him and to establish some life for myself.
My son in laws will be there for me re the car. I am aware of being careful of people not knowing I’m now on my own. Women on their own are vulnerable if not one step ahead. This was taught to me from my lovely hubby who was a military man then police sergeant. After retirement he was legal assistant. He had such a thirst to learn. Life deals such cruel blows. I was in a dreadful mood this morning. Then went to visit to discover he had been aggressive and tetchy. Luckily he seemed pleased to see me and we had quite a nice afternoon. Giggled at a couple of things that neither of us would have pre dementia days. Never mind we giggled together so can treasure it.
Am waffling on again!!
Becoming a DWP appointee will resolve the state pension issue immediately, so don’t delay, it’s a very simple procedure. Not sure about the private pension, I suggest that you explain the situation to them, and see what they say. There is nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
Thank-you. I will definitely look into them. Xx