New Carer with anxiety

Hi. I’ve just become a full time carer for my Mother who has Multiple Scleoris and depression I am on day 5 and I feel like crap. It was me look after her or she goes into a care home and as the middle of 5 children I’m the only one that refused to let her go in a care home. I now live with my mum along with my partner and my 7 year old daughter. I honestly feel like a carer for everyone though. I feel like I’m just making sure everyone’s clothes and clean and food is cooked. I don’t feel sexy to my partner and I don’t feel like I’m doing enough with my daughter in terms of her work from school. I’m always tired and now I’m worried that I’ve put myself in a worse situation as I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t have friends that can pop by for a chat or anything. I feel so crap right now I don’t know if this gets any better or maybe I’m just exhausted from all the moving and settling in. I’m really anxious and I don’t like the feeling because I know if I don’t look after me properly I can’t look after anyone.

Hi Nadine … welcome to the canteen.

Sorry to learn of your current situation.

Your posting screams a few things at me … in particular … CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare … the FAST TRACK variety.

Main thread :

Sections colour coded … so that anyone can find them easier :

( Even if that is not on offer , " Normal " CHC / NHS CT may be … definately worth exploring ! )


Care home ?

As a SECONDARY consideration … plenty of help / guidance on that … mainly from AGE UK via links … THE experts in this field.

On the home front , both Needs and Carer Assessments upto date through the local LA ?

On the radar of the leading , supporting , organisation in this field … MS Society ?

What is MS? | MS Society

Enough from me … others will be along to add their own observations / views / guidance.

Hi Nadine,

Welcome to the forum. Have you now given up your old home?
What care was mum having before you moved in, and is that care still being provided.
Does she own or rent her home - the answer to this is VERY important, please don’t ignore this question.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Is mum claiming Attendance Allowance/PIP/DLA, and have you now claimed Carers Allowance?

Hello Nadine and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation and how you feel. In the short term how about getting your 4 other siblings to help? Obviously I don’t know all the details but could you arrange for your mother to stay with them at weekends? I know they want to put her in a Care home but the fact there are 5 of you and you have now moved in with Mum full time then perhaps 1 or 2 of them would have Mother stay at weekends. This certainly would make life better for you.
What you don’t want is them turning up when it suits them (to visit Mother) and causing you even more work and aggravation!!

It’s also important to agree the finances. It’s not fair for you to do all the work for nothing and then everyone get equal shares of an estate when mum died. A nursing home would cost over £1,000 a week, after all.

Quite a bit to ponder on , Nadine ?

Care ( Choices ) / care homes ( And all the variables that opens up ) / housing ( Security and keeping a roof over YOUR head … especially if a social tenant ) / benefits ( Both your mother and you ) / family relationships … all interlocked in their own way.

No worries , par for the course in CarerLand.

Only you can now decide which priority takes priority ?

Need help ?

We’ll try our best … the choice is yours !

Thank you all for your responses. I’m new to this so have no idea how to respond individually so I will try and put everything in brief points.
My mother has been under adult social care for the last 4 years. She received dla and esa. My brother was claiming Carers allowance but not providing the care needed as he suffers from mental illness himself and is scared to go more than 5 minutes away from the house so Carers from an agency was employed by the council to come and wash my mother and clean everyday. I found out last December that the Carers has not given her 1 bath in the 3 years that they had been coming. I was given authority to take over that care and they would pay me direct payments. There is still an ongoing investigation into the care agency.
As my mother lived in a 5 bedroom house and cannot manage stairs I applied for housing for her to downsize. After 4 years of being on Band A (highest band) the council put me and my daughter on the housing application so we finally got a 4 bedroom bungalow.
There was an option for sheltered accommodation but my Mother cannot do anything independently. So next option was the care home. My mother is only 54 and still has that part of her that feels she can look after herself it’s just her body won’t allow her. I am 27 middle child. My eldest sister suffers from metal illness too. She hears voices and self harms she is 34. My other sister is 32 she doesn’t speak to my mother at all then me then my brother who I have explained about then my 17 year old sister. My mother is an only child. We have no aunties or uncles no cousins. My dads side also the same and my dad is a serious drug abuser who is not in our lives anymore.
I was living privately and had an understanding landlord so it was ok to leave my property.
I am the only one of my Mothers children that have a child so I feel maybe that’s why I couldn’t allow her to go that way.
I have nobody that can stay with her on a weekend or weekday.
I feel terrible for even speaking like this and it hasn’t even been that long. I feel because I’ve been trying to help her for so many years to get her the best care it’s not taken a toll on my body.

Sorry for the essay I probably haven’t answered everything but I’ll re read and respond x

It’s vital to streamline all your tasks as much as possible, reduce them, or even better, get rid of them.

Borders in the garden? Flatten them, and hire a gardener to mow it every couple of weeks.
Ironing? Make sure everyone wears clothes that don’t need ironing, ie. polo shirts.
Always use a tumble dryer.
Lots of washing? A high capacity washing machine is really worth it, so much more in one load. I bought a Whirlpool 11kg earier this year, large enough for duvets.
Dishes? Get a dishwasher.
Make sure everyone tidies up after themselves, and start teaching your little girl to cook, if you haven’t already, so it becomes part of her routine. Casseroles and pressure cooker meals are quck and easy. This is no time for fussing around with food.

Every few minutes you save are important. When the house is quietist, usually after lunch, go “off duty” for an hour, that’s your “me” time. Do NOT let mum monopolise you every moment, she needs to respect your need for time off.

Having read your reply, you MUST make sure that you are on the tenancy agreement for the new property, or you will be made HOMELESS when mum dies or goes into residential care. DO NOT IGNORE THIS. There have been several carers here who didn’t realise until it was too late.

My inbuilt alarm clock just went off … like a mini atom bomb … TWICE !


I was given authority to take over that care and they would pay me direct payments. >


Last posting on that thread almost mirrors this one :

One for the CUK Advice Team … the whole problem is with CUK … how many more before this issue is settled , once and for all ?

Having read your reply, you MUST make sure that you are on the tenancy agreement for the new property, or you will be made HOMELESS when mum dies or goes into residential care. DO NOT IGNORE THIS. There have been several carers here who didn’t realise until it was too late.


Another ticking time bomb !

Also I never received any direct payments. I was told I would up until I moved in with my Mother but I only received a call last week after 4 months to start this. I had informed them I’m already in the new property.

I am on the tenancy but not joint tenant.

If mum is entitled to Direct Payments, did anyone explain to mum how the system works?
Does she have someone handling the payments for her?

Please establish what would happen to you when mum dies or moves into residential care. It’s really important.

That’s one bullett dodged … DPs to a family member … the mere thought makes me growl !

And a second … no problems with " Succession " ?

Trouble is , there are more bullets in the chamber.

6 numbers for Wednesday’s draw , Nadine … ?

You’re on a roll !

Hi Nadine
Even though you area full time carer to three other people and yourself, it is still ok to say “No” to some things at some times. Saying "Not now "is also ok too.
Practice saying each of them out loud
You are now the one in charge, you set the timetables and the limits. You need to see yourself as the Care Manager not the skivvy.
You look at what needs doing everyday, you then put aside anything that isn’t needed to be done that day (i.e. prioritise) and you learn to delegate. There will be some task that partner can do, some that daughter can and some that Mum can.
You have to explain to everyone that this is a joint enterprise and all have to pitch in.
Ditch any high standards of housework, good enough is enough.

In your timetable put some "me time"where you have at least an hour a day for you to do something just for you, even if that is to just sit, but better to go for walk or for coffee or to a class

Yes, these first days will have felt like a whirlwind, but you now have the chance to take control. Don’t do everything for everyone else you will break either physically or mentally

Feeling stronger emotionally will help you arrange the help you need

We are here to support you

I am locking this thread, it is the original poster has not visited the forum since January 2019 and it is attracting spam.

Melly1 moderator