Hi, I’m new to CUK. Very long post alert!.. I’m 52 single mum with 13 year old son and an accidental and increasingly reluctant carer to my 91 year old father, who moved in with me 10 years ago when I got divorced.
It seemed a sensible at the time as he wanted to help me financially and I wanted to help him practically. Although he was fit and healthy at 81, he wasn’t really caring for his own home that well. He was pretty independent until 5 years ago when he started having falls and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in late 2015, just as I found out I was being made redundant. As I was able to pay off my mortgage, and had some income from investments and my father, it seemed a no brainer to stay at home, especially as my son was soon to go to secondary school and showing significant signs of attention and focus issues.
I eventually started up a small craft business operating from a garden workshop to keep me sane. My fathers health started to decline more rapidly after several infections and hospital stays, culminating with him breaking his hip last autumn, having complications that kept him in hospital for 2 months, during which his Parkinson’s deteriorated rapidly. He came home at the end of November, unable to get up or walk without a frame and 1 person, catheterised, bowel incontinent, swallowing issues and only allowed soft food and thickened drinks, prone to blood pressure dropping dangerously, on more medications, which he can no longer manage by himself, plus his cognitive health seems to have declined and he doesn’t seem to be able to think sensibly about things (I.e I find him lying in his recliner chair whilst eating snacks when he has swallowing difficulties- I must have told him a hundred times he needs to be upright otherwise he could cause pneumonia or choking ( has happened several times)
Whilst he does now have carers 4 times a day, to get him up wash & dress, do medications, meals & catheter in the middle of the day, and get him ready for bed, I’m prepping all his meals and drinks, giving him his morning meds, as the carers don’t come in early enough, night time meds as they can’t come in late enough, giving him his breakfast and putting his lunch and dinner in the fridge for the carers to microwave and serve, so that I can work, or get out during the day. I’m also managing all his meds, continence aids, disability aids, laundry, cleaning, shopping, admin, dealing with all his health professionals, appointments, closely monitoring his drinking and his health for signs of infection, getting up to him in the night regularly.
It’s got to the stage where I feel totally trapped, as our only other relative is my brother who lives 2 hours away,works full time and has a family of his own. Whilst he does come and stay with dad and work from my house, so we can go on holiday, or weekends away and is on standby if we have any all day events and my dad should start to show signs of illness, it’s such an effort to organise my holidays around my brothers, organise everything to hand over so that he and the carers can cope, on top of the usual packing and organising to go away, it doesn’t feel worth it. Even going out for he day is hampered by getting everything organised for my dad before I go, being back for his evening meds, possibly having to spend the day fatigued because I’ve been woken at all hours the night before and not getting back to sleep, possibly needing to cancel because dad is starting to show signs of confusion and may have a UTI brewing, so testing needs organising + emergency antibiotics, otherwise his confusion leads him to get up unaided and fall. I never get a lie in, I can’t stay out late,
Its affecting my mental health and my physical health and I have no help when I’m ill. Since my dad came out of hospital I’ve had a nasty bout of bronchitis and just recently flu ( despite flu jabs) and I’ve had to drag myself out of bed in the nights, when he’s needed me and out of bed at 7am to do the normal routine, whilst trying not to infect my father & son, as well as look after my son and run out home, try to run my business.
I feel my business can’t progress because I constantly have to put my dads needs first, I’m missing quality time with my son, who won’t want to do much with me for much longer. I do try get out to exercise classes and see friends when my dads needs or my health dont get in the way, but I’m getting depressed and the answer doesn’t lie in medications or counselling, it lies in not having to look after my father. This feels awful as he’s a lovely man who has always put others first and never complains, so I don’t want to give up on him and abandon him at this time in his life, but not sure if I can cope much longer.
Sorry for long rant, I’m just offloading I guess, but if anyone has and magic solutions…O K, maybe any practical tips for getting through this and not going mad I’d really appreciate them!
