Mum was 93 today and my sister visited. Due to her absolute lack of interest in my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease over the years, a card and a few cheap flowers mean nothing to me but I accept that they were appreciated by mum. Because of my profound hatred for my sister I couldn’t even stay in the same room.
I understand this negativity is doing neither mum nor me any good but I can’t change it and must accept it. As part of his conclusion to ‘The Alchemist’, in the section ‘On questions that have no answers’, Paulo Coelho repeats some questions children apparently ask and one resonates especially with me today
Why do we love some people and hate others?
I began this topic meaning to ask the question if anyone has found it impossible to move beyond a similar kind of hatred to mine. Then I realised that that might be too embarrassing, both to ask or answer. In other words, my post has just become a release. Thanks for reading, David.
David, sounds like taking yourself off to another room was a good plan.
I’m fortunate to not have felt such strong dislike of a family member; however I have felt like that about a previous narcissistic boss. Fortunately, I was able to leave and move on, not so easy when the person is family.
I’ve disowned some close family members after their behaviour when mum was dying, to the extent that I’ve said under no circumstances can they benefit in my will. Not hatred, I don’t use the word hate, but I feel that they behaved so badly I cannot forgive them.
I still haven’t forgiven the nursing home senior nurse, or the manager, for refusing to have some simple training which was offered free,from the hospital, to enable my late husband to return to them. I’m not sure I hate them, definitely hated the situation my family and I were put in, and trust in people is very minimal. A chosen few.
When I couldn’t get mum out of bed for two weeks in 2017 I contacted social services. They wanted to put her in a care home for a fortnight whereas I thought a week, at first, to see how things played out, might be a better approach. I had doubts they’d follow any advice I’d give as I could see the social worker nervously avoiding my gaze as we walked down the path. Of course, two weeks became the plan.
Needless to say, just into the beginning of the second week, as I’d started my visit, mum collapsed. Had it not been for the tremendous efforts of paramedics - they worked on her in the home and then in the ambulance - she’d have died.
In my mum’s case, very many of the carers have been liars and social workers less than pathetic. Even a social worker has lied twice about me - 4 years for an apology for one lie and no apology for the other. I understand your lack of trust completely Pet. But my sister is family and this is where things seem to have moved into another area for me.
If I outlive my mother I am leaving this house and town and never want to set eyes on my sister again. I will never forgive her for what happened that night in October 2012 when all I asked over the phone from the hospital after a serious accident was to call round to explain things to mum - my sister lives next door but one and was up and about - and she refused five times, before hanging up. She did go round later.
David
I understand what you are saying. It’s one thing to mistrust agencies etc, but family is something different. Very emotive word, hate, and it’s obviously what you feel. Sad that its come to it. You can’t help your feelings.
She had phoned the night before so I was emotionally prepared, or thought I was. I knew I wasn’t going to be hanging around.
Yes Melly, it is very, very difficult when it’s a family member. We have virtually no contact. I feel bad about this and I’d like mum to speak more often with her daughter but she’s pathetic. Virtually no attempt at all to contact last year. And I’m damned certain I won’t be picking up the phone.
But I think something good has come out of yesterday Pet, certainly something very unusual.
I’ve been reading over the past year advice regarding nobody’s being forced to care for someone. I know this but feel that my hand has been forced in a way regarding mum’s ability to survive in a nursing home and how I might cope as an uncontrolled epileptic without a roof.
However, being left the really annoying task of putting my sister’s flowers in vases this morning has made me decide to leave. I am 55 years old and very ill. I receive no help from my layabout sister, and social services need no description for many here. I loathe the town and house I live in and think about suicide.
I became so angry today regarding those damned flowers when mum couldn’t understand where to leave them that I know I’ve really been left with no option but to leave eventually, within a year and not more. I want time and help in planning all this from alleged care agencies. Perhaps it really is an ill wind.
It’s impossible to imagine your kind of loss but when I took my mum her supper last night she looked very tired and ill. All my earlier resolve regarding leaving seemed to evaporate. But I don’t have any choice really, not now.
I’d like to think my sister’s behaviour hasn’t been as bad as your brother’s but she is an extremely selfish woman and is capable of lies. Also, because she is small and rather quiet people tend to side with her. Many years ago I was talking to a former partner over the phone and, inevitably, the domestic situation here came up. She actually said to me that I couldn’t stop my sister from seeing her mother! She knew that for three years since mum’s diagnosis (made in my sister’s front room) that I’d been asking my sister to play a much more active part in mum’s care - not just calling round twice a week to talk, drink tea and eat biscuits.
It was only after I suffered a seizure and crashed a car and my sister hung up the phone on me as I was in hospital, that I decided to wash my hands of her. She can still see mum whenever she wants, I just want nothing to do with her. And people seem to side with her! Former partners, idiotic social workers (‘people didn’t understand dementia as well then’). The female police officer who was with me in hospital was quite surprised though, when I told her she’d hung up “She’s what?”
I could waffle on all night but it wouldn’t do any good. Thank you for reading my post Penny and I wish you as speedy a resolution as possible to your own dilemma.