Mum hasn’t known who I am for years and has moved to a care home. I don’t see the point in visiting anymore.
Am I a terrible person?
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Hi @Quintus
No. You’ve reached your limit. When we saw my Mum for the last time, it was her birthday. She didn’t even register it. She didn’t recognise me, my wife, or our eldest son. We showed her a few photos: she recognised our youngest. She didn’t even recognise a photo of Dad. Mum died a couple of weeks later - we found out as we were getting ready to visit.
To be completely honest, I’d already made up my mind that there would be no more visits after that, so the news came as a relief. I’d been dreading it.
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@Quintus
I understand where you are coming from. Fortunately my late husband didn’t forget my family or myself. We all lived in fear of it happening.
Are you happy with the care the home? No need to check on the care they give?
If you are then don’t feel compelled to visit.
You definitely are not a terrible person,the very fact you are doubting yourself indicates that.
I think you will know if one of the days you feel you want to see her, knowing she won’t recognise you. It’s very upsetting regardless. Your own emotions are very important, so is your health
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@Quintus It will be two years next week since I saw my darling older sister. Her husband had not prepared me for how ill she was and I waltzed into her room at the nursing home to see my vibrant amazing sister, lying in a cot, being fed by a tube and mumbling at the ceiling. She is still there and I have not been back. I was told that day that she would only live another three months, but two years on, the tube feeding is keeping her alive. The only coherent sentence she managed during my visit was “tell my sister not to come back”. I have rather clung to that, but I prefer to remember her how she was - full of life.
You are not a bad person and you mustn’t ever think that, although it is natural to do so. I told my brother in law that she didn’t know me and gained nothing whatsoever from my visit. I drove the 200 miles back home and think of her every day with joy. You must look after you, that is paramount and your Mum wouldn’t wish you to destroy yourself every time you visit with the sheer horror of it all. I send you love and hugs. 
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Thank you all for your kind words. They have provided me with some comfort.
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