@shelly1 are you over 60 years old Shelly if I may ask. It is mandatory disregarded then.
@Teddybear no I’m in my early 40s
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Much earlier last year, I’d spoken to the Social worker, and she said I could stay here as I’d always lived here. But I checked with the Citizens Advice, and they said social workers can be wrong, and I’d be best to take more specialised advice. I then spoke to an organisation called Housing Rights, and they didn’t think I’d be allowed to stay. They quoted some regulations. I’m in Northern Ireland, so care is funded by health trusts, rather than the council
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@Shelly1 i don’t know the laws for care in Ireland is it still the care act 2014. If the care is funded by health trusts and not council. Have you asked your local health trust that funds care in your area and ask them. They should know the answer what they do. I thought if you had lived in the house all your life and cared for your mum these things would make a difference.
A few years ago I was surrounded by a heap of issues that were overwhelming me. Even the most resilient person has a breaking point. I had counselling specifically looking about prioriting the competing demands on me, newly widowed, newly disabled. It was life changing. First, my right as an adult to do things for myself, as an adult. Mum expected me to do anything and everything she was unable to do for herself as she was severely disabled. However, most of those could easily be done by someone else, especially washing up, cleaning, laundry and shopping. On the other hand my brain damaged son needed me more. So M had to take priority over mum. Grudgingly mum agreed that was right! Also, it was not neccessary to give mum any reason I couldn’t do something. This avoided her making any comment along the lines of “is that more important than me?” Little by little I reclaimed more of my life. Then realised that I still wanted to help mum, no longer out of duty but out of love.
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@Teddybear It might be a good idea to speak to the Trust. Though not sure if they’d just give out their criteria to me. No harm in giving them a ring though
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@bowlingbun That’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m drowning. I’m also struggling massively with the fact that I never got the chance to start a life of my own, nor to have a family of my own before too old. Though seeing my Mum’s health deteriorating so much, at the age she is, I’d worry I might face the same fate, and I wouldn’t want to burden a furture child, starting out in their young adult life. I think my health will be in the bin by the time I reach my 60’s, if I take after either of my parents.
You are so right about your right as an adult, to do things for yourself. I’m only starting to realise that, in this last while. Which was part of how I realised I could take no more of living like this, seeing decades of my life passing me by. I felt like I’d wasted enough years, and now was to be my time, my chance to step forward and begin living my life on my terms. There are so many things I’ve missed out on. No teenage years, no 20s, no 30s. I started to think, when does this end, when do I get my time - when I’m 60? Or 80? For what, to keep family happy, the same who didn’t notice, or care?, that my life was on hold forever.
I realised it was time for me to step back, and let professionals do the caring. I think part of that was if Mum has any issues overnight, I cannot do nightshift to ensure she’s safe all night, every night. I realised if that stage comes, she’d need either a carer to sit overnight, or a home. I’m not a machine, I can’t survive on no sleep, then get up and go to work every day.
Its so hard to dig yourself out of these sort of situations. And it’s like the longer you stay, the deeper in you are, and the harder it is to get out.
So the plan was continue with 4 carers per day, get the prescription delivered, get the shopping delivered, I would do her cleaning and laundry at the weekends. Then with the ms getting worse, I realised a home will be likely, and again, it was realising she’d be safer. I do feel rather useless that I’m not strong enough to lift her when she falls, it’s heartbreaking that you have to watch someone laying on the floor til help comes
That’s what it is, i want to help, I want to keep her safe, but want to start looking after myself, and living my own life too.
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@Teddybear hiya thanks so much for going the trouble of looking that up. But HSE is for the Republic of Ireland. There’s different rules for here in Northern Ireland
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@Shelly1 i know I’ve just found that out .Im reading them now. Have you heard of these places Age NI and independent age for free specialist support navigating Northern Ireland specific social care system.
I’ve Read your mum can formally ask her HSC trust to apply a discretionary property disregard the family can say you have established it as your life long sole residence and provided substantial care .trusts assess the requests strictly on a case by case basis.the organisations above may know more about them.
@Shelly1 I think you’ve made your mind up to complete your house purchase, but that you’re having last minute wobbles. If I’ve got this wrong, I apologise.
If you go ahead with the purchase, give it a go and if you decide you’d be better moving back in with Mum, would renting it out cover your costs? If so, you’ve left your options open.
Good counselling is going to help you hugely move forward to a happier life as you go through this. Someone impartial who is concentrating on supporting you, your feelings and dreams. It took me a while to realise with sadness how little my own dreams had been considered by anyone. My brothers expected me to do lots for mum so their own life was unaffected.
Don’t feel useless when mum falls. Too many carers have ruined their backs. Does mum have a falls alarm? My mum’s was told to ring the ambulance, not me, immediately.
Until I did this everyone talking to me seemed to be focussed on getting me to do something for someone else!
Your weekend is not for doing mum’s washing and cleaning!
Oh Shelly1 what a remark “not allowed to leave as unmarried”. I do get it though as Ive said since last June it’s like Victorian times where they get the spinster sister to stay and look after the parents and loose her own personal “life”. But of course I’m married with adult children 2 DILs 4 grandchildren 2 grand-dogs and cheeky feisty 3 year old border terrier oh and not forgetting hubby who retired 3 years ago and can’t slow down or sit and relax. However mum just thought well YOUR MY DAUGHTER so it’s your duty to be there for me.
Do you have a local care alarm set up. Here we have one that is connected to the caring agencies so they get automatically told of any issues. They have a 2 person team that comes out to assess the situation. Get the person up with the cushion under the bottom. Call for an ambulance etc. So it made it easier for me after her falls which were around 2 or 3 in the morning. And I’d lift her up. She always managed to get her feet under her. However I shouldn’t have done that. A message is always left in the property to let carers know of situation even if she was still there. I would often get a follow up call to see how she was. Costs £25.09 a month. ( odd amount the 09 )
I keep repeating the mantra I can’t make anyone else happy as from 3 was told by my dad to do anything to make your mum happy. I told my therapist on Monday I don’t have Blackpool running through me like the rock it’s obey your mum. She is really helping me
There was an important case when the property disregard was challenged, as it was someone’s home all their life and selling it would make the daughter homeless.