My mum has mixed dementia and is livin alone and doing amazingly well considering but she is deteriorating. I see her evey week and stay over night but work full time.
As she gets more forgetful, she is recounting older stories repeatedly as expected. My difficulty is that these are all about my dad -there was a lot of domestic violence and adultery and I hated my dad for this for many years with no contact. I havemade peace with that now and reestablised that relastionhsip with him. I have worked through some of those issues but this reocunting forecs me to relive that very diffcult stuff It is also very triggering as mum is very image conscious and so I became her sole confidante from the age of 5.
I am finding it hard to manage my caring role, my grief about her decine, her grief about her decline and not getting angry with her.
I hate speding time with her tbh, but am also aware that i will miss her when she’s gone and also want to make her remaining time as nice as possible.
Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience
Have you thought about having counselling?
Most of my life I’ve been the strong one helping others, but major cancer surgery, finding my husband dead, a car accident that nearly killed me, a son with learning difficulties, a business to run and a demanding housebound mum 6 miles away who had carers but was “saving” jobs for me (when I needed 2 knee replacements!) was all too much.
Counselling was life changing for me. To stop feeling guilty about what I couldn’t do, but proud of what I could, and a lot more helpful things. Learning how to leave some things behind. I had my counselling funded through my carers assessment. Helen, my second counsellor was easier for me to relate to, so I’d suggest a same sex counsellor if possible. 14 years on my life is much calmer and quieter, but I know I can make an appointment with Helen at any time.
thank you @bowlingbun i am thinking this is what i need to do. And sorry for your experience too.
I have also read some useful stuff on here about distracting the person and changing the subject. I was hoping she woud run out steam if I let her vent, but she doesn’t so I think distraction is a good option.
If she goes on and on, another strategy is to say I don’t have to listen to this, and leave the room.
@tirma
Welcome
My circumstances are different to yours as my late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues.
He used to confabulate loads in his dementia world. He did ask where his mother was and I could never tell him she had died many years ago a he go into grief or worse still say I was lying. So I used to tell what I called kind lies and say she was fine and give a reason why she couldn’t go out. If he thought horrible things had happened I would say he too his medicine too late and made him dream, Fortunately he always believed me. I would distract as much as possible. Not easy but always felt it was the best thing to do. I really hope you can find a way to distract your mother. I also agree about talking to some about your own feelings. Sorry you are going through this