@Alfieden12 Thinking of you. Please keep detailed notes of things such as getting up at night. We are all very much on your side.
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@Alfieden12 Sending love, strength and hugs… when you’re doing all this action, just imagine all of us by your side supporting you, you were right in everything you were thinking.
Sometimes the hard part is not getting gaslit and bullied into doing things we don’t want to do because people are pushing us to second guess ourselves
We’re all with you xoxo BIG hugs
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Morning guys
Just a follow up . Two social workers came to visit yesterday after mum had refused yet another care visit . They mentioned a care home and she obviously said ‘NO!’ In the meantime I’m expected to do everything , of course .
So they talked her into accepting care visits . Lo and behold the carer came at 530pm… couldn’t get access as she had locked the door and left keys in the back so the carer could not gain access via keys from key safe . Therefore another failed visit. I am at my wits end . Mum was up and dressed (to a fashion) when I got up at 6am. She had made a cup of tea but left it to go stone cold on the other side of the room. Says she’s had breakfast but no signs of it . Carer due at 12.30 and part of me wants this to be another failed visit as surely then something needs to be done ! They say as she had refused a care home it’s against her wishes and as I’m not poa I’d have to apply to the court of protection. Yet I’m allowed to provide care etc but my needs are not met . I can’t remember the last time I showered or ate something decent . I’m absolutely drowning in this . And again I thank you for your continued support xx
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@Alfieden12 Is it worth seeing your GP? What about YOUR mental health? Your job? It may have to become a ‘crisis’ situation to get her to accept a Care Home but at least it is being mentioned. Would it be worth writing to HER GP saying that she is a ‘vulnerable adult’ and that you will not be providing any care CC to a Solicitor? Yes I know ‘hard ball’ but I had to do this in a similar situation with my late father but I was not living with him. I lived nearby though and was caring for my husband who had just been discharged from hospital.
Sending cyber hugs from me too.
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I did think of writing to it at least contacting my GP . I’m again awaiting a phone call from on duty social worker to say I quite simply can’t cope and will not be providing anything as I’m drained already and it’s not 10am!
Thank you x
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@Alfieden12 I can totally get this. With my late father, the Carers would phone to say I HAD to go round as my father had not taken his medication, or eye drops, or would not let them in. I suggested THEY phone the GP Surgery or phone their Manager. Also he was in the shower one night and would not come out - the Carer phoned me to go over but I was out so she had to phone my neighbour. Why could she not have simply turned the water off?
I really was NOT going to be bullied into caring for two nasty old men who hated each other! But I did come close to a breakdown and it was a close friend who told me I had to write to the GP saying I was providing NO care to my late father. It was very hard but you do have to think of yourself as it is likely to get worse if she wont accept help from Carers. Would your boss maybe write on your behalf? I do get so upset that family carers are used as ‘cannon fodder’.
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Ah I’m so glad I reached out to this group . When we had the final (laughable) best interest meeting I took my manager from work with me (lifelong friend she also knows my mum) and she acted as my boss not my friend . She fought my corner hard . Still they did not listen .
My mum is in a position to self fund care . We own this house 50/50 (my late dad having left his half to me ) but I am willing to sell and give her half to a place of care . I’ve literally come upstairs to put washing away and she’s shouting for me ‘thinks I’ve gone out’ I can see myself never looking forward to weekends again .
X
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@Alfieden12 BIG hugs
I’m glad you have such a good friend-boss!
I definitely agree with you about contacting your GP, there needs to be a proper assessment after the mess of those 2 meetings at hospital. The GP could assess your Mum’s mental capacity
May I ask if your Mum was like this before the fall and head injury? or do you think her behaviour is due to the fall and injury?
The GP may need to assess her mental capacity, her ability to reason and this may help get her what she NEEDS even if its not what she WANTS. It won’t be nice - people are assuming her needs and wants can be fulfilled by you. If you can give detailed examples - like you have here, to the GP and SS, especially if you think she’s a danger to herself - if that’s the case there needs to be more round the clock support - ie. not you.
I’m not experienced in this, but a relative did have to get his wife help when she was threatening him, and they finally got a diagnosis of dementia…long story but there are some GPs who are great
sending best wishes and strength and hugs
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@Alfieden12 Have to echo Victoria - this is what happened in my late father’s case and it was very distressing watching him being taken into hospital against his will, but the GP had known him for years. He felt that my late father was becoming a danger to himself.
What would happen if you moved out for a while? I guess you would be worried about her falling or not turning off the hob or oven? I do feel you need to keep VERY detailed notes as evidence. I also agree with Victoria it is what she NEEDS now not what she WANTS.
Please let us know how things progress. Your position sadly is not that unusual more and more family members are being bullied into caring.
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Before the injury she was quite self sufficient , in no way confused and was able to easily prepare meals drinks wash dress clean etc . Not wonderfully mobile (arthritic hip) but clued up so to speak .
She has been assessed as having no capacity, I have asked for a further assessment tho. It’s just not safe x
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@Alfieden12 Thanks for clarifying for me
You’re obviously doing all the right things and best things for your Mum. Your GP needs an update about YOU, and all this…while your GP can, on one hand help with your Mum the other very important thing is YOU having support, someone in your corner about your health and welfare.
dare I say, and it’s not nice, but if you weren’t there in the house, living there, your Mum would have no support and be a danger to herself with no mental capacity.
In that new assessment, as you already know the professionals need to recognise their responsibility to help her - esp since you’ve no PoA…
BUT also those professionals need to know You can’t care for her in the house…for your mum’s sake and safety since she can’t / won’t open the door.
Sorry @Alfieden12 but if she has no capacity right now you’re the one holding her up.
and perhaps the only way to force things is to clearly state you won’t care for her in the house - for her sake
Please ignore all that if that’s already what your doing! I’m just very aware of how default assumptions are made and carers are pushed to do things!
I just check for my understanding. I’m sure you’re more than aware of this already!
Mental Capacity Explained (England and Wales) | Carers UK FYI
If there is not a lasting power of attorney or court appointed deputy, the professional involved should be the decision maker.
When making the best interest decision, if it is practical and appropriate to do so, the decision maker should consult any lasting power of attorney or court appointed deputy.
This applies even if the power of attorney or court appointed deputy does not have the relevant authority to be the decision maker themselves. For example, a power of attorney for property and financial affairs should still be consulted about a decision relating to health and welfare.
The decision maker should also consult anyone who is caring for the person, any close relatives and friends, and anyone else who is interested in the welfare of the person you look after.
When making the best interest decision, the decision maker should also take into account the past and present wishes and feelings of the person you look after.
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Thanks everyone
I do have a partner and I have spent time at his house today I wanted to be away for the care visit as I knew it would fail . And lo and behold it did . She told the carer she did not need them . So I rang the company to confirm this and it was true . I asked at what point is these seen as unsafe … she has been home since Thursday lunchtime and has not had one carer enter the property ! I’m unsure when they will understand that her needs are not being met .
I have said I am moving in with my partner … which is not strictly untrue … and won’t be there soon. They still seem to not care . All because she’s said she does not want to be in a care home . She’s said she’s bored and fed up at home , well she will be , she has no stimulation . This is just a huge mess ! Again thank you all xx
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@Alfieden12 I am SOOO glad you have your partner, and I’m glad you had some time for yourself. What a great strategy and they don’t get to decide what’s true or not so keep doing what you’re doing.
I’m hoping for your sake the GP can influence the situation. You can’t ‘entertain’ or keep your Mum from being fed up, she’s got to motivate herself OR if she’s mentally incapacitated (as per the assessment) she needs medical support to do that…
Standing alongside you.
Your Mum with GPs/SS needs to understand that YOU are not able to meet your Mum’s needs and she is not ‘fit’ to make the decision of going or not going to a care home - but I’m not sure anything you say or do will make that happen…so a Doctor decision telling her is prob the best
Keep putting the responsibility back to the professionals
Sending strength and BIG hugs
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Thank you so much . I emailed the emergency reablement (as it’s in black and white ) after today’s yet again failed visit. I’ve just had a phone call from them and they were wanging on . I said her confusion and talking utter rubbish is off the scale I need help I can’t do this . Do you know what they said ?’ If she’s confused ring 111!!! ‘ I out the phone down ! Xx
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WTF FFFFFFS I may’ve broken the phone when I slammed it if I were you. I don’t know how your GP works but writing out the dates and actions/inactions/ idiot you had to talk to today is important for them to know - for your sake, sanity and support AND your Mums.
Is your Mum agitated to the point of harming herself or you?
Ohhh and also something I don’t think we’ve mentioned coming out of hospital or reablement there can be infections like urinary/sepsis that carers or GPs need to check on…and those symptoms can aggravate existing symptoms - Sorry I’m not trying to scare you but highlight how the GP and carer services need to have been doing their responsibilities and having a backup if impeded by your mum, herself…
Call the GP,…here I have to write an econsult form as well…try to get them tomorrow unless things are so bad you need out of hours support.
GEEZ
@Charlesh47 any thoughts
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I guess you feel she is a danger to herself? If she is likely to harm herself as in falling then I think you need to consider calling 999? But I can understand you feel uncomfortable doing this. Please keep VERY detailed notes.
I agree with Victoria that infections can be picked up in hospitals. Are the delusions a new thing? UTI’s can cause these and can turn nasty pretty quickly. My husband had a UTI that did develop into sepsis several years ago. If you think she may have this, then you need to stress this and get her taken back into hospital for her own safety.
First off, definitely call 111. If they decide she’s a priority, she’ll get seen quicker than if you 999 for her. Same goes for if they decide paramedics are needed.
Second, you need to decide what you want to do about caring for your mum. If you feel you cannot do it and keep her safe/you sane, you must say so and you must make it clear that you know you have that right under the Care Act. They can’t force you or use emotional blackmail. If they try, in any way, inform them that you know your rights and that they have a duty of care. You don’t need to tell them anything else, although you may find you have to repeat yourself!
Remember, if you falter on this they will wheedle caring out of you that you don’t feel able to give.
If they say she doesn’t have any capacity, then they can’t ask her to make a decision. Can’t have it both ways. She either can make a decision and can therefore refuse care, or she can’t and needs to be made safe, whether she resists or not. And that’s the hard part. But in this case it requires them to carry out a sectioning under the Mental Health Act so as to take her to a place of safety, until she is able to return or a more permanent arrangement is required. It sounds harsh - because that’s how the system works. But you need to be prepared for it.
Sending hugs
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Thanks for those words of wisdom @Charlesh47 I didn’t want to say sectioning…clear and articulate as always! I must save your posts to link - this topic has come up several times
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No, if you are living there yourself there are special rules. Do you have POA?
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@bowlingbun I wondered the same thing before FYI From @Alfieden12 initial post:
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