Losing Mum after a long period of caring

All about caring Former carers
1

Hi everyone,

I lost Mum on 19th September, after three years of intensive caring through cancer to the development of vascular dementia, to the very sudden end. I feel as though I’ve totally lost my purpose. We had a great time together and where her mobility allowed we walked, took the dogs out and enjoyed lots of lovely moments together.

My body and my mind is still in the mode of my old routine… wake up at 5am after sleeping lightly, I feel a strong urge at certain times of the day to prepare her protein shake or do another one of the tasks that kept her on the road. I’m having a difficult time finding out who I really am after all of this.

I’m finding it really difficult processing that I have time and opportunities to do things on my own terms, and I just can’t get myself into it. I knew I’d lose her and I’ve been referred for grief counselling, but bloody hell it’s hard breaking out of the routine and not being constantly reminded that she’s not here.

I’ve managed to hold down my work and keep going, but I’m getting what feels like waves of depression that I haven’t experienced before.

Anyone else in the same boat?

5 Likes
2

Hi @Jonantz
I’m sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like you had a very close bond with her. I’m glad you have some lovely memories to look back on.

As you say caring takes over a carer’s life, our routine is built round our carees needs and so when they are gone it’s a huge adjustment to make. Carers aren’t used to having free time nor doing things at a time or pace to suit ourselves.

I hope you take up the offer of grief counselling and don’t have to wait too long, it can be very helpful.

You have done well to keep working. Your avatar shows you hiking(?) are you managing to get out into the daylight and fresh air each day.

Other members on here have experienced losing the person they care for, and I’m sure they’ll be along with support, empathy and advice.

2 Likes
3

As a widow, I know exactly what you mean. There is an expectation that at this stage you are “getting over it” when in reality you are still partly in shock. On a widows forum I belonged to we all agreed that the Six Month Stage was the very worst. Expect this and be kind to yourself.
The idea in our heads that now we can go back to how things were before the illness started just doesn’t work either. We are older, wiser, and been traumatised. For the first year I was “treading water”.
I found that I couldn’t rest at home, so decided to go away for a few days, not for a holiday, but just to escape. I stayed in a Best Western Hotel for a few days, in Devon, just meandering around, but with a notebook for my thoughts.
A book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff was very helpful. Primarity written for divorcees, but so many helpful hints and tips looking toward the future, what you’d like to keep, to do differently, etc. etc. Best of all it’s not hugely in depth or academic, you can read just a page or even a paragraph to help you work things out.
When did you last have a proper holiday? I now go to Crete every years for 2 weeks, staying at a hotel for single travellers only. Lots to see and do if you want to, or just chill out on a sunbed. I have made good friends with another guest, also a carer, for 2 weeks we are “recycled teenagers”!

3 Likes
4

@Jonantz
I sadly was widowed after what felt a few years of a long goodbye. He suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. It was still a shock when he passed. He had been in a nursing home for a while. I lost my focus of visiting and care managing ( checking he was being cared for in the manner he deserved) That wasn’t always straightforward. It took a crisis in my house to make me start to sort out my life. There is no time limit on when or how you adjust but eventually you do .
It’s still early days for you.
I do understand the despair you feel

3 Likes
5

Hi

Am right there now. Graham my husband died on 17th December. Funeral is next Monday (delays due to doctors’ strike and Christmas shut downs). I had a great weekend but today I paid for that and am a wreck and crawled back into bed at 8am and cried myself to sleep. “Leaky eye syndrome” starting again as I type now.

I am going through all the classic symptoms of grief. Much reduced appetite - last half a stone in two weeks; disrupted sleep; walking into a room to tell Graham some bit of news; struggling to decide what too cook for tea; panic when I start preparing food for two of us.

Graham had been ill since having a stroke 4 years ago and his decline in health had been steady, til I spent the best part of three years his 24/7 carer. Now what the heck do I do?

Like you I want to do things I have done for ages. I have to sort his clothes, tidy the bedroom - I have moved a load of supplies out already but more to be done, all the basics.

I till take the dog out by 6am - that was to ensure I was back to have time for some breakfast and a bit of ME time before he woke and needed attention. Now what do I do during that time? I wander about the house aimlessly.

I cannot face clearing his clothes and intend to ask the private Carer we had in for an hour 3 times a week to help me with that. I intend to take all his pads and other personal provisions to a local Hospice so they can get used and are out of my sight.

I get reminders from the diary “order pads”; “pads due this week”; book cancer injection (every 12 weeks and marked for the whole ear); “cancer injection by TODAY” (again for the whole year). “Order meds”, monthly… I’ve gone through and crossed them out but they are still there!!

I think, for me, it’s too early to think of Grief Counselling but I will consider it if I can’t find an easy way out.

One thing I have done is book a holiday - mainly because I’ve had discussions with a cousin who wanted me to go with her and her husband, but my trip wont be til mid Feb.

After G’s stroke I had to stop working as well and I am not due to get my State Pension for 2 more years. Thankfully I have some resources to call on so I will be OK. So I have no work to distract me. However, sorting the house properly (so much has got left over the last two years) and then the garden will help keep me occupied. In addition I have been doing some writing so I can set time aside to devote to moving forward with that and getting published!.

Not sure this will help you much - but you aren’t alone. Also this Forum is a wonderful place to get support, advice and help.

Chris

6 Likes