Long-term depressed and anxious mum, showing signs of dement

Hi all,

So yep I’m 37, dealing with my mum’s behaviour under the influence of long term anxiety and depression that actually I’ve always been dealing with and recently came to understand it has constantly burdened me throughout my adult life. So groups for that would be welcome - dealing with someone else’s depression.

Unsurprisingly, I have some of my own issues too. I have been lucky enough to live in a time where access to mental health support is no longer taboo, however. I am in no way ashamed or embarrassed of these circumstances and am always here to fight anyone’s corner when you’re feeling uncertain or heaven forbid discriminated against. I’ve had counselling and feel strong enough for this but I do need to relate about recent events where I’m now responsible for mum due to her aging. I am her sole confidant atm. We haven’t been very close up to recently. I feel a lot of responsibility. Found evidence of borderline self neglect due to low self esteem which is pitiful and hard to process.

Secondly, Mum has developed memory issues which are in the process of being diagnosed ie first appointment in hospital delayed due to CV19. Can’t write sometimes, really struggles to remember many words sometime, forgets conversations.

Third, only reason we actually know about this (she had succeeded in alienating most of the family including me after holding out for so long) is because she was being scammed for 18 months and lost most of her life savings. Then seeing her be in shock and go into denial, and having to deal with my emotionally stunted brother blaming her and being angry with her. Siblings have actually been source of most stress. I feel very alone in being accepting and non judgemental and giving emotional support whilst receiving none myself. Only saving grace is my wonderful aunt and my friends- so it’s not all bad, but still find it hard to know not to expect sympathy or interest in how I feel from them or my dad (parents are divorced). By extension I don’t believe they can appreciate the work I a.m. doing because it is emotional labour.

And with memory issues her ability to give evidence may be so impaired they can’t use anything. Barclays are holding out on paying out on failing to flag very obviously questionable activity on her account because of lack of statement from her about what happened. Advice here also v welcome.

Currently live at a distance, brother local and taking front line tasks.
Blessed with a physically healthy and relatively young (73) person to care for, just needing to work hard to coax mum to love herself and really need to take a step back and ensure I do the same for myself. I see this has started now - caring for her. I wish I’d come here earlier but better late than never!
Phew… if you made it to the end, well done. So that’s me. It’s been a massive headache but luckily I’m great at it so that helps :wink: and its bought me closer to mum.
Look forward to talking to you.

Hi Jenny and welcome to the forum,

Usually we point newbies to where to seek help and support, however, in these strange times - the rule book (Care Act) seems to have been ripped up and we are all in new territory.

One thing you can do though, is look into getting Power of Attorney fhttps://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney for you Mum, whilst she still has enough capacity and look at Attendance allowance Attendance Allowance: Overview - GOV.UK - she may not be eligible yet, but that bit of extra money coming in could be used to pay for a cleaner/gardener/visiting hairdresser or whatever in the future.

The Alzheimer’s society https://www.alzheimers.org.uk had lots of useful information about all kinds of dementia, so worth a visit too.


Thank you very much for your advice.