I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t recognise myself.
I’m 32 years old and being a carer has always been part of my identity.
I live with my 2 sisters (one disabled) and our mum. For the past 10 years, I’ve been taking care of mum more. The past few years have been challenging.
While my sister has had the chance to study (long story), I’ve taken on most of the household chores, cooking duties, and carer responsibilities. It’s a peculiar arrangement, but somehow it works.
Like anybody else, I need time for myself to recharge. I find this through my work, which gives me great pride. Despite my family circumstances, I’ve managed to find a stable job working from home (even before it was a thing). I also manage semi-regular weekly walks and swims. Books and films help massively, too.
But I’m struggling. Over time, I feel less and less seen and appreciated. I feel like my family’s keeper, i.e., expected to give parts of me - my freedom, energy and time - whenever these are needed. I don’t voice my frustrations to keep the peace.
I feel selfish for wanting more. I can’t think without thinking about my mum and sisters’ wellbeing.
I’m not sure what I expect. Perhaps a few gentle words of encouragement, telling me that I’m doing well.
I would describe your role as the family’s “Sacrificial Lamb”. I was one too. My two brothers both had interesting careers, lived far away enough from my parents not to be called on to help. I lived about 4 miles away from them. After my son was brain damaged at birth, I was unable to work as there was no respite care for him. That meant the rest of the family thought I was available whenever I was needed, no though for the fact that I already had my hands full! After a particularly bad time, sister in law had post natal depression, brother, her husband, working abroad, so she went back to her parents, abroad, with the first child, leaving me with the baby for months!! Mum had an operation about the same time, so I had to look after her too. Gradually I realised that I was the family “dogsbody” and to escape I had to make myself less available, and signed up for a part time degree in Business Studies. I’m afraid we get what we are prepared to put up with. No one will support you to break free as they don’t want you to.
No one will support you to break free as they don’t want you to.
I can relate to this so much. But how do you break free? I feel so guilty for just wanting some me-time.
I have enrolled in a few part-time courses as well. Perhaps this is a sign that I need to look at another one.
Sending you much love. Thanks for your words
Buy a copy of Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. Although written primarily for couples splitting up, after I was widowed I found it helpful trying to work out what my future could look like. Best of all it’s easy to read. An ideas book in a way. Usually cheap on eBay.
It helped me. I first met my husband when I was 16, married at 19, we did everything together, in later years happily ran a business together. I had to find an entirely new life after he died from a heart attack. Further complicated when I was hit head on and left disabled for years 3 months after he died.
Thanks to the book I have a different life in many ways. I always loved travelling, and decided to go to a hotel for single travellers only in Crete about 10 years ago. Flying on my own was very scary the first time! I have made many good friends, one in particular. We found we have lots in common and keep in touch through the year. We describe ourselves as the “best friends we never see” as I’m in Hampshire and she is in Lincolnshire. Strangely in a little village where my 4 times grandmother came from! For 2 weeks I’m in dresses not jeans. As well as Crete, I’ve been to Malta, Cyprus, Lanzarote, Majorca, Menorca. I also take my sewing machines on holiday to Devon, renting a cottage for a week of uninterrupted sewing. I know my husband would be proud of me.
I used to me more adventurous - but always responsible. Now I find it hard to make any decisions without the love and support of my family. I’m scared of thinking with my own mind. Sad, isn’t it?
The idea of getting on the plane alone is starting to scare me. And I’ve travelled quite far! I don’t like the person I’ve become but I don’t know where to find the self-confidence to believe in myself.
Your sewing retreats sound lovely. I’ve started playing video games to numb my mind, which doesn’t help my case.
I feel like I’m drawing. For any ideas, interests or initiatives that I have I’m scared of upsetting my family or getting shouted at.
I had counselling, on the verge of a breakdown, to help me with those feelings. Everyone wanted a piece of me, until there was no time left for me to be me. It’s so easy to get trapped into thinking you “have to….” When you don’t! They want to undermine your self confidence so they keep you close. But ultimately that’s the path of self destruction. It’s midnight now, so enjoy tomorrow as much as you can. If it’s not, every day only lasts for 24 hours. Promise yourself next Christmas will be better.
I am a Carer for my medically non compliant manipulative 86 year old husband who thinks ‘wives should not go out without husbands’. I am much younger. I have been caring officially since Jan 2013 after his ‘acute on chronic brain heamatoma’. Unofficially probably a couple of years prior to this.
No easy answers to your dilemma but I have a few suggestions. I think you have to start reclaiming YOU back by taking ‘baby steps’. I agree with @bowlingbun re counselling a safe place to ‘vent’ and explore options but realise may not be an easy or viable option for you right now. Do you have a local ‘Support for Carers’? If you do then please make contact in the New Year. They may offer a telephone ‘befriender service’ there may be a waiting list but often they have been Carers themselves. What hobbies do you have? I would certainly investigate part time courses as it would get you out and meeting people and being a ‘person’ rather than a ‘carer’. I started a Book Club back in 2015 and although I have to take my husband with me, it has been a life saver and several of the founder members are now very close friends. We also have social events - usually a dinner out twice a year. I am an Admin for a social group . Yes I have to make constant compromised to be ‘allowed out’ and sometimes cancel as I never know if my husband is really feeling ill or just stopping me going out. I try to stay local. Friends mega supportive telling me that if he was really ill and needed me back home they would drive me. I do try to go to the local Parish Council meeting as involved in a campaign to save our recreation ground. Again it gets me out meeting people. sadly not able to get more involved as husband feels very threatened by me getting any kind of public recognition and sees me very much as a ‘possession’ rather than a person who deserves a life.
I can only suggest you try ‘baby steps’ . For me, I do my hair and makeup every day as walking to the local shop and getting a paper makes me interact with people - the dog walkers and the shop staff. It is not easy and only YOU have the power to change your life next year. Keep posting - this Forum especially Roll Call has been a life saver for me at times. We will offer support and encouragement.x
Dear @Pujibob
I do think you are doing amazingly,
I am worried for you,
You do so much and being appreciated is important.
I feel you need more for you,
Somehow
Something regular and nurturing
Just thoughts
Discard if not helpful
Warmly Ula
“Scared of upsetting my family or getting shouted at….”
If you feel able to share when this happens, we might be able to help with ideas to manage their responses. Why do they feel they have any right at all to shout or criticise at all?!
Are you always blamed for things?
Hi @bowlingbun your words are harsh but ring true. I don’t have to do anything, but I don’t want to be selfish either. All I ask for is a little more of me.
Really helpful. Nothing to disregard. I am trying to find more of me, but it feels so hard to take the first step without any (or little) encouragement.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I can tell you understand what it means to “be allowed” out and do anything. How much is it self-imposed though? Baby steps will reveal the answer.
I have a few hobbies. I love reading, cooking, and watching films. I also try to go for a big walk and swim once a week.
Over the years, I’ve lost my social skills and I’m not sure I know how to make friends anymore. I’ve never been a social butterfly anyway. The friends I’ve had I’ve cut them out of my life. At my age, few understand the dynamics of being a carer. The “you have a right to leave and live your life” is nauseating.
The befriender service sounds lovely. Baby steps, right?
It happened a lot on the past. It lasted for years.
They didn’t approve of my relationship (long-distance) and weren’t supportive in my work because it wasn’t leading anywhere and paid peanuts.
Things are better now. They’ve accepted my relationship and things are going much better on the work front. I couldn’t afford to move out, but I don’t have to ask for money either.
Now I realise that I’m petrified that if I do something wrong I’ll get shouted at again. I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t.
@Pujibob Cyber hugs and thank you for responding. You could join ‘Roll Call’? A huge amount of empathy and support and some humor - forgive me black at times. If you enjoy reading how about researching to see if there is a local Book Club? I have been chairing mine for 11 years and we now have dinners out twice a year - monthly meetings and a Facebook group. Plus several have become VERY close friends with others close friends. It is ‘low risk’ because you have reading in common? If you need encouragement and support and ‘cheering on’ you will get this on Roll Call.
You don’t have to ask. That’s the whole point really.
You are an adult who should be in charge of your life, and your relatives have no right to ask you to give up things for them. Counselling was really helpful for me around this area.
I wqas very disabled, son was brain damaged at birth, mum had been housebound for years and I had a business to run.
For 10 years the only way I could earn an income was to sell off my late husband’s stock of lorry spares. They amounted to 30 tons!!!
Counselling made me realise that I couldn’t do everything for everyone. I had to work out what they could give up doing altogether, what someone else could do, and what was best if I did it. Especially managing mum’s money after someone stole from her. At the end of the process things were much easier. I wasn’t so hard on myself not being able to do everything for everyone. My counsellor told me I was more like Superworman, but I needed to look after myself too, and not feel guilty when I used some of my time to focus on my own needs, which made me happier and less stressed.
Thanks you for the warm words. I didn’t know about the Roll Call. Looks kind of like a group chat. If it’s humour and suppoprt that it offers, I’ll definitely join it.
Joining a book club feels doable. I don’t really believe in new year resolution, but I’ve got to do something to make things better for myself.