@McCarer I hope you get comfort here. It gave me strength to draw boundaries, check on my own mental health and cope with life. I feel less lonely when I come here
hugs
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Social Services should be giving both of you lots of support, but it sounds like they canât be bothered to arrange anything suitable for his needs. However, itâs in everyoneâs interests to sort something out because itâs a potentially catastrophic future.
What would happen if you were suddenly taken ill?
I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with kidney cancer, major surgery followed.
My husband died suddenly at 58, as I was recovering, so I know how suddenly life can change forever.
Somehow your son needs to get used to other people being involved.
Have Social Services done a Needs Assessment for your son and a Carers Assessment for you in the last year?
What 3 things would help each of you most?
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Oh @Supernerogirl I do feel for you too. Luckily I donât have to deal with psychosis but I totally get the âsame day same stuffâ I feel like Iâm in Groundhog Day cooking the same meals at the exact time required, trying not to make noise, being there for when Iâm needed, trying to keep the peace and prevent meltdowns or aggressive outbursts, which has brought back childhood trauma. Like you, I react to every noise. My stress levels are bonkers. The stress and insomnia have caused angina symptoms which scared the sh.t out of me, but everything stays the same no matter how much I try to improve things. I really hope you ask for the mental health support you deserve @Supernerogirl, you can refer yourself to Talking Therapies, they are very understanding, nobody will judge you. I know that neurodivergent ways of thinking can make you feel like you are going crazy. It was from talking to a therapist that I realised that being around my husband and sons all the time had distorted how I saw myself, I imagine youâ ve got a similar thing going on with you. You arenât crazy!
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@Tiredanne, I can see the importance of setting boundaries. I need to keep working on this, I set a boundary but they always push it and I keep slippping back into my old pattern of just accepting the responsibility theyâve pushed onto me. I have been having angina symptoms and itâs been really scary. My husband keeps telling me I need to avoid stress, which I do, but then is texting me from work expecting me to work out what everybody is doing over the next two weeks so he can book the car into the garage, and I donât realise til afterwards when everybody is cross because I got it wrong that I got sucked into their chaos again. Iâm then mad at myself for breaking my own boundary. I know they wonât respect it so it is vital that I stop falling back into the old me that they knew would just sort these things. The stress of trying to coordinate two ADHDers who donât plan anything, and and autistic who has to plan everything down to the finest detail, then gets overwhelmed and shuts down is too much. How are you doing keeping to your boundaries?
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Thank you @bowlingbun, you are totally right. I have just had a massive health scare and it scared the sh.t out of me. I had hypertension and ECG showed possible angina. My symptoms have been pretty bad and have hardly been able to do anything. But my sons just expect everything to stay the same. My husband works full time but with ADHD and maybe Autism that takes almost everything he has, so thereâs not much left for us at home. He doesnât know where anything goes, what food anybody eats, what jobs need doing so he avoids it as much as he can. I have to tell him every job that needs doing and how to do it, if I say I trust him to just do it his way, he constantly checks with me and then needs feedback afterwards that never ends well. My husband keeps telling me that I take on too much stress but then canât see that he adds the unnecessary stresses by expecting me to be involved in everything he does. I am absolutely exhausted. I nearly left my husband last year which is the only reason he is now admitting he is neurodivergent and seeking help. None of them see that I am their carer and would be highly offended if anybody suggested I was. I feel totally stuck! I know that if I dies they would all freak out and probably fall out with each other as I mediate a lot. I suppose once I wasnât their they would HAVE to seek the help they need. But too late for me lol
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@McCarer I am getting better, bet it took time. You are seeing yourself as responsible for it all. No, is really hard to say and stick to. But keep at it.
Hugs
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I havenât contacted social services for any help, as all three of them are in denial about their issues. My husband has quite a good job but is f..king useless at home and even as a family member. He is like;y being assessed for ADHD only after I threatened to leave him. My eldest son has realised he is ADHD by his dadâs realisation. He has a part time job but is a bad employee, not turning up, turning up late, forgetting shifts, missing trains etc. He is waiting to see what happens with his dadâs assessment, which I have said is not a good idea but nobody listens to my advice in my household. My youngest son is on limited capability Universal credit (after a 4 year fight to prove he was unfit for work). He identifies as OCD but not autistic (he has all the autistic behaviours but thinks they are ânormalâ) I canât claim a carers allowance as I am on limited capability Universal credit as well. So I donât know what to do other than throw my family into absolute chaos by not doing anything for them. I have started trying to make lists, and plans, how-toâs for when I canât do them but there is too much and it all seems very complicated. They all have rejection sensitivity and all can be dismissive, get defensive, avoidant, have meltdowns or shutdown completely if I donât tread very carefully. I think I am each of their chosen person, who they turn to for everything but they all act like they should be my priority when they need me, even when one of the others needs me at the same time, or if I am not doing very well. Nobody other than me sees these behaviours or knows about our struggles. I thought I was going crazy with how they all behaved towards me when I tried to deal with issues, until I had therapy and she said I tackled things in a very healthy way.
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This is how my husbandâs brain works, or doesnât. Yesterday he went out in the garden with a cuppa while I was cooking our dinner (he had asked if I needed any help, but he is more of a hindrance than help). So I call him in, he sits at the table, and I asked if any plants looked like they needed watering (bearing in mind I canât do it due to new angina symptoms, and he knows how stressed I am about losing plants that I have been nurturing for years). He looks at me, thinks hard and then says âthe wedding cake tree lookedâ and then contorted his body to show how dry and shrivelled it looked. I then asked â so did you water it?â He said âNo, do you want me to?â That is how he is about everything that needs doing to run our home and family. It feels like living with a man child. This isnât the relationship I expected when we got married. I was promised a partnership where we shared chores/responsibilities but thatâs not what I got. I donât think he had a clue about how hard it would be being a parent and running a home. He wanted four kids, but canât cope with being around the two sons that we have. He gets overwhelmed by everything!!! And has been passing the responsibilities he canât handle onto me. I have spent over twenty years thinking itâs me that canât handle life because he brought in money, and I didnât, and everything felt so hard for me. I was always stressed and anxious, unexplainable illnesses and couldnât sleep, while he seemed fine. But it was because I was taking all the strain at home, and now Iâm trying to hand back his responsibilities Iâm seeing the real issues are that he canât cope, not me!
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@McCarer From what youâve shared even if you set boundaries and explain things to any of your family members they simply wonât understand or get it because their brain doesnât work the way ours doesâŚand I donât mean that in a judgmental way - but as simple fact.
I really think the brain charity or another organisation that are trained experts in ADHD and neurodivergence could help because you canât go on trying to be the UNIVERSAL Life translator for your family
@Charlesh47 thoughts? (did you see the trekkie reference I just did! 
)
I realise youâre saying that your family couldnât live without you and theyâd implodeâŚbut youâre imploding with your anginaâŚI think you need help getting some respite time and using it as a test for others to support the familyâŚ
Take a look at https://carefreespace.org/
@Chris_22081 has used them a couple of time to take a respite break
You may try and organise so everything is perfect for when you goâŚbut my advice is donât ..focus on finding support via Brain Charity or whomever you can to witness and support your family without you and seeing how they can help you long termâŚIt may be awful on your returnâŚbut right now something needs to giveâŚand it canât be you having a heart attack!!
TOUGH LOVE talk but I hope you take this as BIG EMPATHY love that Iâm VERY worried for you if you continueâŚIâve seen heart attacks close up!
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Thanks yes itâs really hard but what I find harder is the professionals who are meant to help and they donât itâs like trying to get blood out of a stone 
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@Tiredanne, youâre right, is hard saying no, but I know I need to say it more. Like you, I will keep working on it.
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@Victoria_1806, thank you, I do take your tough love with the Big Empathy you send. I donât get a lot of that lol. I know you are right, I am very scared and lost at the moment. I recently had EMDR for childhood trauma but had only one actual treatment session out 20, as so much stressful stuff happened in my life between sessions that that was all we covered. My therapy has ended now and Iâm back alone with it all. At least in therapy I had somebody to remind me, no youâre not crazy, they react differently to how you would expect in these situations, no youâre not unreasonable for expecting to be treated better etc. I am working on breathing exercises and relaxation techniques as I canât see how the stress will be reduced any time soon, but we live in a bad area where there is a lot of antisocial behaviour. I have stopped using my garden, which was supposed to be my sanctuary. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a star wars bedroom as we donât have the money to decorate. We have a bed but the room is tiny and needs decorating before we put the bed in it. I donât know how to handle this much stress. I donât know what to do with my sons, yes they are adults, but like their dad, they canât cope with anything. I brought them into this world with a neurodivergent father (I didnât know that before I had them) but I still feel responsible for their struggles and feel I owe it to them to look after them
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@Supernerogirl it IS difficult to get the help you need. The waiting lists are soooo long for talking therapy and when you finally get started, months after you asked for help, you then only have limited sessions. I felt so much better the days I had somebody to just listen, and acknowledge that I was having a hard time. It makes me so sad how many people, including myself and my family are struggling in this world. The government needs to be investing heavily in mental health support, not cutting back.
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@McCarer Phew and BIG hugs
Uggghh thatâs even worse that you canât feel comfort in your own home, and garden sanctuary!
Of course you feel responsible for their struggles - youâre their Mum and wife..
AND you need more support, you canât carry on on your ownâŚIâve not contacted the brain charity myself but they, or Carers UK Helpline may be able to direct you to local supportâŚtherapy is one thing, but it sounds like you need actual hands on support for the familyâŚ
My hope is that you can get some comfort, quality time for yourself!! Who knows with some distance and connecting with others there could be some sort of different-way-forward that can help you navigateâŚif you feel lostâŚreach out to others who have the practical experience and trainingâŚand while social care is one avenue Iâm actually thinking about the neurodivergent organisations
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I have had counselling funded after a Carers Assessment. I am normally the âfixerâ for the extended family, then an awful lot happened in quick succession when I was very ill. Everyone has a breaking point and I found mine.
My disabled mum simply didnât see I was ill and struggling. The week after major abdominal surgery I was summoned because her carers had mucked up her front door lock and no one could get in until I went over with a key, driven by my husband. I should have been tucked up in bed at home. When I said to mum I needed a chair she asked why? So I showed her the dressing right across my abdomen! That day I realised how self focussed she had become. Just like your family are to you.
I was always on the go, achieved all sorts of things, sadly not well enough now.
You can have a Carers Assessment even if the others donât see themselves as needing care, so start by requesting that from the LA in writing, and asking for counselling.
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Hi @McCarer That is a LOT of caring!
I donât want to swamp you with lots of suggestions, so here are just a coupleâŚ
Itâs probably the most important word you can use. One of the big issues with people on the spectrum (and I always argue that people with ADHD are on the spectrum) is that they get used to getting their own way and it becomes an obsession. Getting them to learn that there are limits is vital. The only way for that to work is to be consistent and unwavering about it. The moment you wobble, they win.
Write down the rules youâre going to apply. Put it up somewhere they can see it and refer to it every time. If it gets taken down, put another one up. Donât give an inch.
All of which is all very well, but what about the strain that puts you under? Well, it will be worse for a while, but eventually theyâll learn to get used to it. It should get easier then. Itâs all a matter of willpower, and they will test yours.
But first. And in some ways most important.
Contact social services - not about the others. They have to give you permission and they wonât.
But you can for yourself. Ask for a carers assessment and emergency plan. A carers assessment under your circumstances can lead to having some support in for you to be able to carry on caring - if that is what you decide you want. You can ask to talk face to face somewhere away from the family home, so you can be completely honest about the situation and your own health concerns.
Last one - is there a local carers organisation in your area? Take a look here if youâre not sure: Support where you live | Carers UK
While youâre at itâŚhere are a few cyber hugs⌠
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I totally understand you missing your garden sanctuary- itâs raining heavily here today and also in the winter I miss escaping outside for a bit
especially when S is being very vocal/ loud.
Are your neighbours very loud or smoking/ dealing weed etc? I had ASBO type neighbours at our old house.
Further to @Charlesh47 advice I would add, pick your battles. Choose one thing to insist on for each of them. Once thatâs won choose another and then another.
Write down your strategy for you. Ie how you will tackle it and how you will respond- then when you are stressed you can read it and have something to follow.
Eg get husband into the habit of watering the plants whilst you are cooking the dinner.
Implement the running out of things system with son who wonât part with his money.
And pick strategy for the son who isnât a good employee to tackle the thing that is most likely to get him the sack.
Getting up and down off the mattress on the floor canât be helping your fibromyalgia; so unless you are going to be able to afford to decorate within the next few weeks, Iâd honestly put the the bed up for now.
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Hey. So sorry to hear you are going through all this. I am also a long term sufferer (carer) who looks after Mum, and a few siblings - sister (possibly autistic but more like con artist), brother (psychotic, angry, has to use catheters to urinate and has every illness under the sun), brother/sister (unsure if they are he/she).
You will get lots of suggestions on here. I did too when I first came on here. How they work or donât work for you is up to you but the main thing I would suggest is having a few hours a week or a day every week, where you try (I did say try) and forget about all your caring duties and have some me time. For me, itâs my office day when I have to go to work and once every two months or three months, I will book into a hotel, switch my mobile off and just sleep or look out of the window or watch TV.
Wishing you all the best x
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Sorry @Melly1 I took so long to reply, hectic at the moment. Yes my neighbours are definitely ASBO neighbours, with 14 kids. Smoking weed, revving motor bikes, burning household rubbish, garden full of broken bikes and rubbish, up all night shouting and swearing, dog barking, the list goes on. Their house never sleeps, there is always somebody making noise. My youngest son says they are sending him crazy which isnât good at all. The housing association donât really deal with them so we are stuck.
I think picking one thing to tackle at a time with each of my âchallengesâ is a good idea. I can see that I get overwhelmed when I try to tackle everything, especially as it never goes well. My therapist told me to let my son lose his job and that it wasnât my responsibility to make sure he kept it. But I know he would easily end up doing nothing and losing the will to get a job if he lost them. And he wouldnât contribute anything financially to the house then. He doesnât contribute much at the moment because he doesnât earn much, but something is better than nothing. It doesnât take much for him to spiral to a dark place so I desperately want him to keep his jobs. I make sure he gets to the train on time as much as I can because he often calls in sick if I donât, and he wonât tell them about his health conditions as I recommended so they donât understand his challenges. He will likely just look unreliable. Itâs hard to know what to do when advice really doesnât fit with your reality. I know what is logical but my husband and sons donât work on logic most of the time.
I do appreciate everybodyâs advice and can see that I have to take the bits, like your âone battle at a timeâ that I can see working, and see what else fits our situation. I like the idea of reading my plan when I am struggling with them, to refocus me. I think that would be very helpful.
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Thanks @ontheverge, sounds like you are in a difficult situation too. I think you are so right about trying to take some time out whenever possible. The âcaringâ can easily consume you. I donât even recognise myself anymore. I donât do any of the things I used to enjoy. I am a creative person who feels miserable when not being creative but I gave up trying to do anything creative years ago. My husband called me a hoarder because I had some craft materials. When the house got on top of me and nobody else would sort out their stuff. I couldnât cope with how we were living and threw everything of mine away (I didnât have much) just so that I felt like I had taken some of the overwhelm away. It didnât work, and now I have nothing to create with, I try drawing digitally but itâs not the same as making something with your hands. I canât even listen to music in the house as it upsets my son who is always at home. He canât stand any noise that isnât made by him and gets very upset/angry. So I spend most of my time trying not to make noise. I plan using the washing machine/dryer around him. Itâs a nightmare. I can see that my fun, crafty, music loving parts of me have been pushed down so far, I donât even know if they are there any more. My bit of escape is listening to loud rock music when Iâm in the car alone. Then I get complaints about having the car radio on the rock channel which is annoying buti think it keeps a little bit of the real me that is clinging on, alive.
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