New poster, I apologise in advance if there are any protocols I haven’t observed.
I’m autistic. Didn’t know this until a few years ago. Both parents disappointed in me (I can’t stay employed , got bullied at work, etc.) I don’t have a partner or a family of my own. No friends nearby. I live in a rural area.
After I lost the last job, I came home to help care for my parents. I did this up until Dad passed in November 24, and now I am the sole carer for Mum. We keep clashing and butting heads over things small and large. She has “cognitive slowing”. I am finding it more and more difficult to stop the conflict ( over everything, but mainly my weight and alternately how good/how bad Dad was.
I’m feeling numb. I can’t keep up with trying to do what dad did for us and the house, and I’m supposed to just keep going no matter what. How do I cope?
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Don’t even try on your own, you need help and support. A bit more information would help us.
How old is mum. Does she have an official diagnosis of dementia?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? Yes/No.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does mum own or rent the house?
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Mum is in her early 80’s. House owner.Yes to savings, POA and no to a definitive diagnosis other than “cognitive slowing”. She’s also DeafBlind. I’m living on carer’s allowance and a zero-hours job online. It’s worse in summer (getting woken up at 4:30am some days, because it’s light) and if she’s ill in the night, I need to be able to help her.
I’ve honestly given up on the usual things. I know I won’t own a house, I can’t drive yet (16 driving instructors so far) I can’t get a regular job and I’ve given up completely on trying to have a relationship with anyone. So it’s not unreasonable to expect that whilst I live rent-free, I should be an in-home nurse. And cleaner. And odd-job man.
I just feel like I’ve ended up here because I wasn’t good enough to do anything else, and now I’m stuck here, until she goes.
If mum owns the house, why would you not inherit it?
Talk to a solicitor. Mum could give you a share of the house. You are NOT “living rent free”. You are providing care for mum which she is getting for free. MUM is benefitting, you are missing out on normal life! How would she manage without you? Paid care costs £15+ per hour!
Have a look at the Office of the Public Guardian and search for “paying relatives for your care”.
I appreciate the indignation. Mum’s latest threats have been to throw me out of the house, so I’m quite aware that she could decide that. And ‘normal’ life just doesn’t seem possible to me. As I’m an adult, there aren’t services that I’m aware of to help me. I’m not even sure that there is a solution to all this: I suppose that I’m just getting it out of my system. Other people (whom I’ve read about on this board) seem to have it worse.
Mum doesn’t have a respectful attitude towards you.
When did you last have a holiday?
Sadly, there are a lot of less than perfect mothers on the forum, including mine.
Even when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, with 30 tons of lorry spares and a disabled child, she still “saved” jobs for me as I did them better!
Who else is supporting your mum?
Has she always been very self centred?
Have you always lived with mum?
Did you know that if mum’s home was also your home, the value of the house should not be counted in any financial assessment? For more information Google “Property Disregards” and look at the .gov pages.
No-one is supporting her except the social worker for the blind, and a “living well” advisor. Due to many (pertinent but not short) reasons, we don’t have other relatives helping us practically. I didn’t always live here with my folks - I lived for a few years in my university town, and managed to hold down a job. Long story short, I was diagnosed with adult Asperger’s when there, and finally the reason for most of my screwups because clear. I left my job and returned home (like many times before) and ended up staying.
I don’t feel like I can comment on the financial side of things as I’m not contributing a lot. The last holiday I had was seven years ago, back when we still had Dad and I was in work.
Hi @Sinophile does your Mum have blackout curtains or blinds in her bedroom? If not, worth getting or improvising some. Could really help the waking up too early issue.