Then she calls me to check they got the results right😠 - it drives me crazy……. But I’ll stop now.
Jane,
Glad she is funding the paid carers - that’s what AA is for.
How about getting the carers to write these ‘health’ concerns down in a notebook instead of ringing you.
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You need someone to talk to outside the family, not a CBT course!!
When my husband was alive we shared everything, but I needed someone after he died, especially as I was disabled trying to support son and mum and run a business with 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to sell!!!
There’s a phrase used here at times “Elderly Toddler”. Isn’t that a good summing up of her?
Here are some ideas that might help.
I think it might do MIL a bit of good to rant away, when she starts, just put your coat on and go home. Every time, whatever you are doing. It is UNACCEPTABLE.
When she rants again, tell her she has a choice. Carers or a care home, but NOT YOU!!
For too long she has been manipulating others.
You’ve resigned as her slave.
She has to see that you are determined, and won’t give in.
She can have more carers, but NOT YOU.
It took counselling at 60 to make me realise that I was behaving like a dutiful little girl as far as my mum was concerned, never saying “No” to her as refusing to do what my parents told me to do was “bad”.
This was a revelation to me.
Counselling taught me that I had every right to go and see the family, take a holiday etc. or just sit at home and sew, or do absolutely nothing.
She has absolutely no right whatsoever to tell you what to do. You are an adult. Don’t fall into the trap of saying I can’t because… That then gives her an opportunity of saying what in her view is important or otherwise.
A good counsellor should help you, it won’t happen overnight but at the end of the day it is carers or care home. She has pushed you too far, taken away too much of your life.
Thank you Melly1 and BB.
I recognise the experience you refer to as the “ good daughter “ and how ( in my case) the tendency to “ people please” is so detrimental to one’s mental health.
Unlike BB, the realisation of this tendency in myself hasn’t manifested itself in me changing my behaviour - yet.
What you both say makes such sense as I suppose now, it is my husband and myself who have the power to change things.
I really do intend to try, and will make an effort to arrange seeing my grandson and dates over the summer to see my son in York.
I need to find ways of not letting her overall negative behaviour affect me, that’s a work in progress.
THANKS 
again.
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Counselling helped me sort things out, and made me realise I was doing so much for others that I’d almost forgotten the “real” me. Happily the discovery of a wonderful singles only hotel in Crete made me rediscover the happy go lucky quiet gentle person I used to be. My friends there often say that I’m an entirely different person to the one that arrived at the hotel utterly exhausted in May 2015. I slept most of the first week!
I have cared for my mum in her mid 90s since my Dad passed away early 2020. It has been a nightmare, partly because I have succumb to Lupus after having had covid. Stress and simple things like driving over in the spring sunshine (uv coming in through side window) cause me flares. My mum does not relate to any of it.
Specialist, GP and A&E doctor have all said I should give up being Primary carer.
Things tried - 1.A social prescriber said to contact my mum’s GP as they have a duty of care, Her GP referred my mum to Adult Mental Health Team who visited and tested - but my mum’s cognitive score incredibly had improved on that a few years ago so nothing was done. The test was so easier with lots clues being given and the questions were simpler. So of course GP and Adult Mental Health Team did not follow up on anything. I was handed a leaflet on ‘Being a carer’ the content of which I knew many years ago.
- I contacted Social Services as I needed someone to look after my mum whilst I took myself to A&E following a 111 call earlier this year. Nobody was able to cover as Emergency provision I thought I had enrolling on a County Council scheme had gone without me being told. Outcome was though a Needs Assessment happened two months later and advice on a brilliant home care agency was given before that so I had help - So together Social Services and Home Care provider have given me my first holiday 1 week break from caring since 2017 (i cared for my dad before my mum).
Contacting Social Services and being honest about my health etc really helped. I think it is about speaking to the right people at the right time. Some people I spoke to just said unhelpful things. I told them and phoned again and left lots of messages. Being determined was necessary, and pacing myself.
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