How to talk about her health, unnapproachable topic

All about caring
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I care for my mum but doing all the things other than personal care, shopping, cooking, driving for appointments/social. She’s lives with me.

I am struggling though seeing my mothers health get worse. Any time I bring up her health by asking how she is, how are you, alright, anything like that, I get a barrage in return “you’re always on about my health”, “you just want me gone [to a nursing home]”, “what am I supposed to say” etc. I am fairly certain she is keeping her struggles to herself, and that she really does need more help that she’s admitting, but she fears that means she’ll go into care.

I don’t know what to do and it’s created a horrible atmosphere where I have decided the best course is not to talk about it. I am resigned to the fact that I expect one day she’ll have a fall and that will be that. I can’t stop her going in the garden doing odd jobs and the her laundry, I’ve spoken about it and that she doesn’t need to do it, but it’s her way of “keeping going”. What am I supposed to do? I need to live my life, I can’t watch and stop her doing things.

I had a carers assessment and it was a waste of time. They said she’s independent because she can use a microwave and wash herself. They don’t see the struggle that she has throughout the week and the strain it is putting on me. I am more than a carer, I’m a counsellor too! When my own mental health is a shambles.

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Welcome to the forum. How old is mum? What health issues do you see?
It doesn’t sound as if you had a Carers Assessment, looking at the support you need as mum’s carer (whether she recognises it or not!) but a Needs Assessment for mum.
It’s especially difficult for you as mum lives with you.
I supported my housebound mum in her home for years, whilst I had a family including a brain damaged son at home, and running a home.
What would YOU like most of all?
If you are working, then does mum have a pendant alarm in case she falls when you are not there?

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She is 83. She has a severe curvature of the spine caused by fractures, because of osteoporosis. She has a lot of self-image issues and self-confidence issues because of this, as well as many physical restrictions.

Sorry, I always forget how they are both named, yes, she had a needs assessment. I had the carers assessment. Is that the right way around? It was deemed that she was independent by social services, and there was little to no help for me. I can’t remember what they even suggested, Samaritans, CBT through the GP. I have no where private to talk, I can’t talk about my mother when she can hear every word. Literally, the only place I can think to go is a car park and sit in my car to have a private conversation.

I would like some breathing space, and support for my mother. The consultant dischared her, the GP and nurses are all very “off” with her (her words). I can see their point of view, she is very hard to deal with, a hypochondriac, and internet-doctor, but she has been treated very badly and I really feel there is some truth in “being written off”, because her condition is so bad and there isn’t any treatment available.

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My mum was bent double by the time she died. At first diagnosed with osteoporosis but in fact it was hyperostosis, also known as Forestiers Disease. There is a facebook group. Can you mum bath or shower by herself? Is she claiming highest Attendance Allowance? Do you have Power of Attorney?

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Hi. I get what you’re saying and fully understand your frustration with your Mum. You could have been writing how I feel about my Mum!

Mum is 99, is severley sight impaired, hard of hearing, has chronic neck pain and cognitive decline, and that’s just the biggies! She lives alone in a warden patrolled flat. She is very stubborn, wants to be as independent as possible, has been in denial about her health issues and won’t accept that when things don’t work it’s her lack of capacity that’s the problem.

Last year I worried myself sick that she was living alone, to the point I was not sleeping, was constantly tired and extremely frustrated. I Went on 2 courses, caring for dementia carers, run by a Cornish charity, Promas, and an NHS sleep course. They made a huge difference.

At this time, we’d been looking at care homes for Mum. At one, she sat there and said please can I come here now. She looked so relaxed and content. 2 weeks later she did a huge u-turn which was so frustrating.

I’ve learnt to seed ideas and drop them, coming back to them some time later, ask if she needs help with a task, only if I can see she’s really struggling (often she’ll have asked for help by then), only ask about her medical issues infrequently, try and give her jobs she can do, and get out in the fresh air as much as possible. It’s not easy as I only want to help her!

From my side, Ive learnt that I must do things for myself and with my husband to stay sane! I’m fortunate, that I only see Mum for 7 hours or so twice a week, and only work 2 days a week. We have booked a 10 day holiday this year and Mum has agreed to go to respite. Expecting a backlash nearer the time!

I’m telling you my long winded story in the hope you feel there’s something useful there for you. We too are waiting for the disaster that puts mum in a home. She is aware that if she ends up ends up in hospital, then she would be discharged to a home that might not be her first choice, might not be that nice, that near to us etc etc. I’ve excepted it’s her decision to make, as she has enough cognitive function to make decisions, even if they might not be the ones I would make for her.

Good luck.

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Also forgot to say that I have learnt I am not responsible for my Mums mental health, and that if she chooses not to tell me about health issues, I can do no more.

Recently, she had a bad UTI. Looking back, I think it had been brewing as she had been more confused for a while. I put it down to further cognitive decline. Prior to this she didn’t tell me she had numbness in her fingers. By the time I find out the carpal tunnel release surgery has stopped further deterioration, but she still has the numbness. With her macular degeneration, if it had been caught earlier her eyesight would have been much better in the eye she has next to zero vision in.

The other frustrating thing is that she won’t accept help from anyone but the family and that if I say things she won’t believe me, but if a professional tells her the same thing she believes them!

I think it’s a generational thing. Sweep things under the carpet!

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