How to deal with overwhelming guilt?

The isolation has made my mum really bad mental health wise (she also has alcoholic dementia) , and she’s had to go in a home. I can’t cope well anymore but I feel such an overwhelming sense of guilt that I can’t cope and that I might have to permanently decide that she stays in a home. She’s also only 61 and she knows that most of the other people in the home are worse than her cognitively and not the same age. It feels like anything I decide will be wrong. If she comes home, I don’t think she will cope long term anyway as I am going to move out soon anyway and get a house with my boyfriend but if she stays in a home I don’t know that it is the most appropriate thing for her. She wants to come home and I don’t think she understands or believes that this may not be a possibility. I don’t want to be in control of someone’s fate like this.

You say…I don’t want to be in control of someone’s fate like this.

You don’t have to be…

That’s why there are teams of people available to help with such decisions. If you Mum has a social worker they should be pulling together a team of professionals. To see what the best way forward is. Maybe the current care home is not the long term home. This can be discussed which one would suit Mum best.

Guilt is the wrong word turn that around to concern and you want the best for Mum.

Rachel, mum is where she NEEDS TO BE.
Every time the Guilt Monster rears it’s ugly head, and it will, for a long while, stamp on him.
You didn’t ask for or want an alcoholic mother, you have done your very best.
MUM is totally responsible for her actions, because of her own actions she doesn’t even understand things anymore.

You have suffered enough, this isn’t your problem. Live, love, laugh and build yourself a happy life.
I would strongly suggest that you have counselling to help you put the past in the past mentally, so that it doesn’t scar the future.

There are many loose ends to tie up. Does mum own or rent her home?:
Do you have any close relations?
Feel free to ask the forum anything you are concerned about. We are here for you.

I know, I feel like I have suffered enough and I don’t want to live my life going around in circles with her. The big problem is also no she doesn’t own the home, it’s a council property that she succeeded too and I will not be able to succeed to again. So I’ll have big changes coming soon if I have to move everything out of it and put it at my boyfriends parents until I can find somewhere to live.

I would suggest gently that it would be better for you to live alone for a while, to clear your head, unless you and your boyfriend have been an item for a long, long time? Fortunately, you don’t have to hand back the tenancy immediately, because mum’s future accommodation hasn’t been decided you. In the meantime, I would suggest that you start sorting out your own stuff to start with. Also generally around the house, I can’t imagine mum was super organised or super tidy?! Although you can’t throw away anything of mum’s yet, you can start to think about what you would like to keep for your own home, and what you would not, and what you will do with the stuff you don’t want. I had to empty my mum’s house after she moved into a nursing home, she was mentally OK but physically very frail. It was a nightmare as she was a hoarder, it took me and my sons a year to sort out.
Has anyone spoken to you about a financial assessment for mum’s stay in residential care? If not, it won’t be long. As you think about the house, remember to bring all mum’s financial documents together, ideally in a ring binder with dividers. Social Services will want to see proof of benefits, rent, electric, bank statements, savings books etc. Do you have Power of Attorney or are you mum’s DWP Appointee?
Feel free to ask me anything you want about this whole process, I’ve now sorted out four homes after bereavement!!

Thanks for your reply, that’s really helpful. My boyfriend and I have been together 9 years so I’m in a secure relationship. Yes, my mum has been a hoarder too and there is still lots of my Grandads bits in the house as he did the same… I’ve tried to start going through bits, it is incredibly hard because I come across lot of things that make me emotional but I know I need to start now because it’s not an organised house. I’m an appointee for my mums dwp but don’t have power of attorney… I don’t know if that will have to change down the line depending on what i/social services have to do to make sure she’s living in the right accommodation. What makes it difficult is mum is adament she will want to come home because she doesn’t have the insight to think oh well actually I’m not safe at home, it’s better if Rachel helps me find somewhere I will be safe and happy.