Hello Tired from South West

Hello to everyone on this blustery Sunday. Just a note ( feels like forever actually , as some of you will relate ) about the caring , dutiful role I find myself in.

I am the main carer for my frail elderly ( 87 ) mum, who is flat bound ( lives locally ) due to loss of mobility,& being refused a hip replacement op. 2 summers ago. I have organised carers to come in & bathe /dress & do the reverse at night time, but I feel the guilt of " it’s not enough". She has reverted to a needy pained toddler ,& my resentment builds steadily until I leave her at the end of another day.
I fight for anything that would make her life more comfortable, benefits, companionship with " Silver lines " & at The moment a social worker to help me find somewhere for her to have 24/7 care .But I won’t hold my breath, as I have been told a lot of the S workers are off sick with stress .Stress is answering 3 phone calls from mum, about the same thing during the night.

On top of this for about the same period of 6 years , My husband has a particular nasty peritoneal cancer. He had the main op. 6 yrs ago, but due to regrowth, he’s poorly & just hanging on by will power to see his surgeon in 2 weeks time.I have contacted the surgeon’s secretary 3 times over 2 months,to hurry the appt. up or cancellations etc & feel we have been shelved … just a feeling.Yes I do know how stretched our own health trust is .

His appetite diminished it’s enough to get some protein & carbs into him , as a child’s serving.
I suffer with periods of the black dog a few times a year & being type one diabetic myself, I try to keep my own health ticking along.I just need to know someone out there is hearing me, & that I’m drowning not waving .Thanks , sorry it’s so depressing, but I am glad to find this forum.

Hi Sally
Yes, you are drowning! A double lot of caring and worry is enough to bring anyone down.
Don’t wait for the social worker to give you a list of homes as they will expect you to do the looking anyway. So head off and do the looking yourself. Visit each and go by gut instinct. Initially ignore fees.
Would Mum be self funding or does she have assets less than £23250?
You need to find out what is available locally just in case Mum ends up needing one in an emergency. Plus looking now will put you back in charge. SS will drag their feet as they have more clients than spaces and money .

Even when Mum is in a home you will worry, but it is less worry. My Mum now 96 is in a Home and the knowing she is fed, warm, checked on and relatively safe is a godsend. Yes we still get confused calls from her but we know we can call the office and someone else will check on her (mind you she is so deteriorated now that she rarely calls as she cannot dial anymore )

Others will along with links 're funding and finding a Home, I jus wanted to do an jntial acknowledgement


Potential residential care ?

AGE UK … one of the bibles out there :

Care homes | Information and Advice | Age UK

A whole host of links off that front page.

Hi Sally,
I’m new here myself, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
I’ve received so much help and advice since joining, I’m sure lots of knowledgeable people will be along soon to help you.
But for now, I am sending you hugs and strength to carry on in the amazing job you are already doing :relaxed:


I hear you too and know about the black dog. I only have one person to care for and that’s hard enough. To have the worry about your husband’s health as well as caring for him and your Mum sounds overwhelming. I can’t offer any more in the way of advice but sometimes having someone else validate your feelings helps a bit in itself so I hope being heard and sent some virtual hugs helps in its own small way.

Hi Sally,

When I was a struggling carer, my carers worker arranged for me to have counselling, to help me set boundaries.

I would suggest that your husband should be your priority, mum needs support from elsewhere, either domiciliary care or residential care.